Passenger Seat.

I would use a picture from Indiefest, but no one has uploaded anything yet.

But yeah, Indiefest was awesome. All the people, the bands, the music, the equipment, it was amazing. I would twaddle on longer around it (did you know twaddle doesn't get the little red lines below it?) but words cannot express the emotions going through one when playing live for a group of people.

Things with Cassidy are the still the same. I talked to Komal about it, and she helped, she's been through a lot of things, so, thank you Komal <3 (even though you can't see this). And after we packed everything from Indiefest and drove off (Brandon was in a different car so it was just me and Jesse), I really got to talk to Jesse on a deeper level, which was really nice. We also talked about my situation with Cassidy, and that also helped because he's been through a lot too, there comes a time when you just gotta do whatcha gotta do. Plans are that I'm going to give it another week or two, and if we're still talking like casual friends, I'm done. It's a fucking ~horrible~ feeling to actually know that hey, you're putting all of your heart into it, only to be greeted by nothing. Stress on how she's trying 'not to get too attached to me.' Well fuck. We shouldn't have even dated. Why even be together if you're purposely trying not to get attached to me? I poured my heart out to you, and, well, paranoia was right for once, I do care more than you, your love is not the same as it seems inside my brain. But. Tomorrow I'm going over her house, and I'm just going to confront her about it, talking to Komal and Jesse really made me feel like I'm not the only one, and that it's really whatever. So. We'll see how that goes. She came to Indiefest though to see us play, and when I personally opened the door for her and greeted her, she made it seem like I'm a creeper. Then I hugged her, told her that I missed her (it's funny cause I really meant it) and and tried to kiss her, which just felt more like it was me trying to force a kiss on her.. Ohwell I guess. I'm just shit to you. Then we really didn't talk until we played, and afterwards she came to me to tell me she was going to leave, which was weird because she actually tried to kiss me before she left, but I just leaned away from it to make it as little contact as possible. You can't do one thing only to follow it with the opposite. And now here I am, only depressing myself even further.

I feel like it'll never be the same, really. It's going to be like this until we break up, which I'm starting not to even care when it gets to the point when I'm putting everything into only to be received the way she treats ~us~ with a casual friendship. She's not going to change. All my efforts are for nothing. I deserve this. I drove myself right into it. As much as I don't even want to go any further, to try to fix things, I just really hope everything could go back to the normal, cute, loving couple we were. I know that we talked and said everything would be fine from now on, and I tried the day after, I called you dear, darling, sweetie, and I complimented you on how beautiful you looked in the pictures, and I tried all day, but God, do not expect me to keep trying. Now I'm at the point;

"but yeah, the only thing i can tell you at this point is. try to close yourself off like she is doing. i'm sure she's hurting, too (or at least, i have enough faith in her to have such emotions).

if you're prepared, then maybe it won't hurt as much.

but i am sorry to say that this is kind of inevitable. /:"

~Komal

And I'll do just that. I wish everything could get better, and I'll keep my optimism up for 2 more weeks, but it's just tearing at me, it's degrading, and I really hope you knew how hard I'm fighting this losing battle..

Jesse really understood. And I found out we both were really the same in the sense that we over-analyze things. He also helped me incredibly much with the 'not getting attached when I'm just loving her more' because he's also been through it, it's comforting to talk to people who know what I mean, who have been through the same emotions that I have. Shannon, I don't mean this in the sense that you didn't help, because you couldn't imagine how good just letting me vent to you is, so please, don't take this the wrong way? I love you~

Just the thought gives me the creeps.

I'm not her dearie, or darling, or sweetheart anymore, and she never missed me. And really. I'm done. I'm just done. Why try anymore? It's sort of like a feeling of failing, of not feeling accomplished, not feeling fulfilled. And it's really degrading. It's tearing me apart. She doesn't love me, but I still love her. Why can't she at least play me for these last few months we have together? At least pretend that she cares about me, pretend like we're a happy couple, I'd rather have that than this..

I have, since the start of this relationship, put soo much into us, that I'm for once proud of myself. I have thrown my heart, all of my emotions into it, do I really deserve this? After being the best boyfriend that I have ever been compared to my past girlfriends, am I the wronged one? Do I deserve this? I don't know what else to say. It's just soo unsatisfying, being cute and loving to her, only to have her talk to me like a casual friend. And we fucking talked about it too, I fucking took the blame for fucking every thing, 'it was all my fucking fault, I'm sorry,' and you said that we were fine now.. I'm not happy. At all. And, I'm still find myself trying. I'm still putting everything into it, and I really wish that you would too..

She doesn't care as much as I do, and I'm really afraid that it'll be that way until we break up for college.. I want to cry. Crying making everything better for the time being, it's emotionally relaxing. I feel soo lonely, soo sad, soo fucking worthless, I'm nothing. I've waited for love, I waited for someone like you for such a long time, and here you come, and.. I still feel worthless, no matter what anyone tells me, if I can't make you happy, if we can't be a couple in a loving relationship, then what's the fucking point of it all? You made me incredibly happy when you actually cared, true love truly does wait, but now..

It's too far to say I want to just lay down and die, but it's like that sort of feeling.

Go Slowly.

It's not the same anymore. Ever since Sunday, it's not the same..

No matter how happy I may get, I always end up thinking about everything and then I just get depressed again. It's not the same. It doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to. It's as if there's a constant lump in the back of your tongue and it's a constant neusance.

I don't know. I don't want us to end, and I'd do anything to make it all better, but I don't know what that is. It's all my fault. I'm the idiot in all of this. And she really doesn't care about me as much as I thought. I really wish I could disappear right now, not even in the teenage angsty way, just go far away so that all this could boil over and never be thought about again, that it all goes back to the way it used to be, and see if anyone actually missed me, including her. They won't.

Fuck, I'm sorry about being soo whiny. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling all of this, but it bothers me that it doesn't feel comfortable anymore, and yet I still find myself putting on a smile for you, because if I don't, you still never ask 'what's wrong?'

Hopefully tonight I can go to sleep without crying myself to sleep for the third time in a row~

Everything is.

Joy in the small things of life, if one of those small things is tea with marshmallows and downloading more music for my ever soo expansive library, music always makes me happy. I wish I had tiny little peach colored headphones so I could listen to music in class, I'd be much more happy.

Aside from that, coping. I really wish I could be happier when I talk to you, but it's still in the back of my mind, and that's going to take a while to get out, I don't even know if I want to do anything else besides talk to you online and in-person at school, and darling you should know that I have fantasies about being alone sometimes, and when I want to be alone, I still talk to you, because I don't want you to think something's wrong, nothing of significance is wrong, only me, but I'm nothing in comparison to you, keeping you happy is my main goal right now, and I'll put myself second to you.

Ferris Wheel on Fire.

Biggest fucking scare of my life. And I still can't get over it fully. The condom didn't break, I took it off and blew it in a balloon, and it was fine. Now we're hoping and waiting sort of, or at least I am, I can't keep bringing it up to her how I'm losing my fucking mind, she was equally as scared, but she's doing an amazing job at coping right now, and I guess it's because it was just the lube and her wetness..

Something that has actually gotten to bother me. Topless Tuesday. Cassidy apparently already took hers, and she was going to post it. Is it wrong for me to get partially mad at this? It's like jealousy of no one, I don't want her to.. She said she feels weird posting it because a lot of people follow her from school but, is that really the only reason you aren't posting it? Is it wrong to feel this way? I mean, I don't want her to just post herself on Tumblr, I want her to be mine, and it scares me that sometime she's going to be someone else's.. Well fuck, now it's a going away to college vent.. Fuck my fucking emotional status and all this fucking bullshit that constantly clouds my mind, why can't I fucking not worry about all of this shit and just be happy.. No even wants to hear it and I feel like utter shit and I'm crying now. I'm going off to bed now so I can cry in a warm bed. It's really fascinating how I drive a happy life around other people, and constantly be happy, but when I'm alone, I lose it. And I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I just feel like I'm bothering them regardless, so all this magic just stays bottled up in me until I'm too full one day and that's my 'fuck everything and go cry to American Football, Radiohead, Death Cab for Cutie and other good music and tell my parents that I'm just really tired' days. They're really good, relieving days actually. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me, I worry about all the things I shouldn't, I get jealous a lot, I constantly say I'm sorry even when it's your fault because I don't give a shit about my ego when it comes to us, I get paranoid, I cry to myself without telling you, I say everything's fine when it's not because we can't talk about it now, I never remember that I mean something after you say 'You mean soo much to me, don't forget that,' and I still think you don't care as much as I do, and that you don't really mean it when you say 'I love you,' and that I matter to anyone, and that I'd rather disappear completely and never be found while I sail to the moon in a row boat, and I'm just a bad person to fall in-love with.. I'm crying now. I want to cry on someone though, I'm sick of doing it alone.

I'm sorry, tonight's a highlighted bad night, I really needed to get this out for a while now..

Goodnight~

Low Shoulder.

When in a relationship as amazing as I'm in right now, is it wrong to still feel inadequate, and lonely, and as if she doesn't care as much as I think? I feel soo bad for thinking this but I can't help it. Well, back to finishing a long Chapter 7 of The Great Gatsby and not sleeping~

Walking the Dog, Part II.

Sometimes I feel like you don't care about what I have to say. I don't know if it's just me, but it's always a "oh, cool!" It's never a matter of digging deeper into it, just like dusting one layer of dirty from an archeological site, but not finishing the job. On another hand, I feel like I talk to much about myself, so, it really out weighs itself, but I still feel empty. I don't know. I could be wrong and just studying a single case of it happening. I always ask you about what your doing, constantly engaging in conversation about what you're doing, asking questions, how it's going, stuff like that. I hope I'm wrong. Aside from feeling like no one cares about what I do and not feeling comfortable talking about what I'm doing, everything's ok. Yeah.

I just really wish this would stop bothering me as much as it is right now.

Another worry that's been creeping on my lately is, what if you love is not that same as it is in my brain? Yeah, song lyrics, but I like to over-analyze. What if we're on different levels of love? Like, what if I care more and I put out more, but that only in-turn makes you feel uncomfortable because you aren't, I guess, that high up as me? What if you don't care as much as I think you do? It's a weird feeling. Like. I want to just pour my heart out to you sometimes, but I feel like I'm a needy boyfriend who complains about his feelings, and, I don't want that. But I get sad a lot for no reason. I over-analyze the smallest things, and that just makes me sad, and, well shit I don't want to feel sad when I'm talking to you because I feel like I'm bringing you down, I'd rather live in a cave than make you sad.

I'll probably just update this later-tonight. Or not. That would be better for me.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Sometimes I feel like nothing. I'm just ~there~