Superbowl Birthday Party

I sort of really want to be a stand up comedian. Nothing big like the ones on Netflix or Comedy Central but for something along the lines of local bars and little coffee shops whatever. I've been sitting here thinking of jokes and I've been going on a really good spree, all about my life. Jokes about my life. Like - it would really help me to be okay with how pathetic my social - or lack there of - life is and my general existence to my parents and peers and my educational feats and it would be totally okay with everyone to laugh at. You know? It's like a forced bad thing that's made good? Or okay? I don't know. College is off to a rough start (All I really failed was micro-econ but whatever and got a C in intro to engineering and then three B+'s) but I guess I need to tell myself it'll get better? My dad kind of disowned me and compared me to Tyler - who passed micro-econ with a D - and the daughter of this Romanian family who is in eleventh grade and is in really high level classes and how pathetic and lazy I am and then about how careful he and my mother need to be or else my mood thrown off but that's my fault and that's been my fault even in relationships so I don't exactly feel like telling him he's self centered if he thinks he ruins my moods when it's just a daily disappointment for me. I've been sitting in my room since I got home from college not really doing anything. Only in the past weeks have I not talked to anyone besides teammates when I'm playing Counter Strike and this past week not even talking to my parents. It's really fucked up to be compared to someone obviously better than you, no matter how, when you already have the shittiest self image. It's not their faults however in that my parents have no idea how bad I am in the head about some things (I kind of hope they don't at least). 

So what now? I'm not looking forward for second semester and if I get bad grades or fail a class again I guess I'll just hint to dropping out of at least changing my major? I kind of like the idea of being a history teacher - or a math teacher for that matter so high-school/middle-school kids can hate me everyday that they see me. I kind of want to try doing comedy at least once so I guess I have a goal this summer? Find some little place that hosts stuff like that and see how it goes for the hell of it. Being a UPS driver would also be sort of cool: you get to drive around and make people happy indirectly and I wouldn't be forced to talk to anyone, not to mention benefits? I kind of want to go check what their pay is. Oh and you get to drive a really big brown truck van thing. I'm back and they make about 70-75k a year with really great benefits. I have a fallback as of this early morning - now to handle being an embarrassment to my parents. I don't know, dude. I've been really lonely since the end of first semester. I mean, lonelier than all of high-school. At least there I got to see people. At college I get to see people I'm 'okay' with being around but I don't have any really great friends. My relationship with Tyler is more of 'efficiency,' if you get what I mean? When everything's fine, it's fine, but when it's not we just stay out of our ways and I really like that because I don't even talk to my parents about personal things but I guess it sucks not having anyone anymore, but that's my fault also so everything's my fault in the end. If I could just have some confidence and stability then I could probably be okay but so far, I'm okay with no one looking at me and cuddling my stuffed animal every-night and morning - it's not the same but at least I keep my head to myself instead of making other people unhappy and only making myself unhappy too. I'm talking a lot tonight. I guess it makes up for not talking to my parents or anyone really. 

I'm just no one. I have no one. I have nothing. I have material objects that I buy in hopes of making myself happy and it works for about a couple of days or something but that's it. You know? Like, I literally have nothing. I have no hopes for college after this first semester. I have no one to fall back on. I have no interest in putting effort into anything, especially after failure. I don't know. I'm okay with not having one or two really great friends over having a ton of 'friends' who don't really give a shit about me. I mean, sure, I wish I had close friends but keeping in contact with people is just really draining for me? Like, I don't know. 'opegerj 3q

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gay.