Ferris Wheel on Fire.

Biggest fucking scare of my life. And I still can't get over it fully. The condom didn't break, I took it off and blew it in a balloon, and it was fine. Now we're hoping and waiting sort of, or at least I am, I can't keep bringing it up to her how I'm losing my fucking mind, she was equally as scared, but she's doing an amazing job at coping right now, and I guess it's because it was just the lube and her wetness..

Something that has actually gotten to bother me. Topless Tuesday. Cassidy apparently already took hers, and she was going to post it. Is it wrong for me to get partially mad at this? It's like jealousy of no one, I don't want her to.. She said she feels weird posting it because a lot of people follow her from school but, is that really the only reason you aren't posting it? Is it wrong to feel this way? I mean, I don't want her to just post herself on Tumblr, I want her to be mine, and it scares me that sometime she's going to be someone else's.. Well fuck, now it's a going away to college vent.. Fuck my fucking emotional status and all this fucking bullshit that constantly clouds my mind, why can't I fucking not worry about all of this shit and just be happy.. No even wants to hear it and I feel like utter shit and I'm crying now. I'm going off to bed now so I can cry in a warm bed. It's really fascinating how I drive a happy life around other people, and constantly be happy, but when I'm alone, I lose it. And I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I just feel like I'm bothering them regardless, so all this magic just stays bottled up in me until I'm too full one day and that's my 'fuck everything and go cry to American Football, Radiohead, Death Cab for Cutie and other good music and tell my parents that I'm just really tired' days. They're really good, relieving days actually. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me, I worry about all the things I shouldn't, I get jealous a lot, I constantly say I'm sorry even when it's your fault because I don't give a shit about my ego when it comes to us, I get paranoid, I cry to myself without telling you, I say everything's fine when it's not because we can't talk about it now, I never remember that I mean something after you say 'You mean soo much to me, don't forget that,' and I still think you don't care as much as I do, and that you don't really mean it when you say 'I love you,' and that I matter to anyone, and that I'd rather disappear completely and never be found while I sail to the moon in a row boat, and I'm just a bad person to fall in-love with.. I'm crying now. I want to cry on someone though, I'm sick of doing it alone.

I'm sorry, tonight's a highlighted bad night, I really needed to get this out for a while now..

Goodnight~