Welp, I cried like a bitch last-night. I don't think I've ever cried harder. And I couldn't sleep either, so, I got 4 hours of sleep last-night, and 3 on Monday night..
Sometimes I'm really afraid that I have some kind of mental disorder, I was happy as hell, and it felt soo good, but with something that, apparently is normal, happening, it ruins my mood instantly. And I'm really scared. I don't want to be some deranged psychotic.
But, lets talk about it in hopes of easing everything, because writing usually helps. Yesterday was TMI Tuesday on Tumblr. And, Cassidy kept answering these sexual questions, and, that first struck me in the sense of it's scary how open she's being about her personal life to complete strangers, and it's really scary to me, but, it didn't bother me that much, we were still talked on Facebook through all that, she apologized for the asks, and I went to go take a shower. When I come back, I scroll down my dashboard used all the evidence to conclude what happened; First off, someone apparently asked Tommy (Cassidy's ex) what his best fuck was, to which he replied in detail of. After that, Cassidy apparently messaged him on Tumblr that someone asked her the same thing, and she thought of that day too, Tommy replying something along the lines of 'good times.' Through everyone I've talked to about it, it seems normal to them, but I'm fucking loosing my mind over it. How is it normal to reminisce about your favourite fuck with a now ex boyfriend? And I'm alone in it, I'm the only one who feels this way, and it's a fucking lonely feeling. Why do you still think about it? Why would you even bring it up, besides the fact that an anon asked, why would you message him about it? It's tearing me apart, really, and I can't handle it, nor can I get over it, and I'm afraid I never will. I texted her how I feel about it all and, it's all my fault. That's the way she is. And then she calls it me being a protective boyfriend, which is good? How the fuck am I being protective if I'm crying at the though of it? And then she said to think whatever I want to about it, yet she still wants ~us~ to be ok? So, you're going to completely ignore my feelings about it, not apologize in anyway about the Tommy thing, still make it seem like it's normal, and expect us to be ok? I don't know how I feel about this, at all. It's normal. And I'm nothing.
I'm a bad person for feeling this way if no one else agrees with me that it's not normal to post stuff like that while you're in a relationship. I'm alone in it all, and there's nothing that I can do to change it. I can't tell myself that it's normal, and I should get over it.
And I feel completely worthless in her eyes. I really am just a toy for her, and she's just using me for her physical pleasure, and that's just fucked up. What's a relationship if there's no emotion? I don't want to just have a fuck buddy, I want someone to love, even if it's for the short amount of time we have. We knew it would end, and you said it didn't matter how long we have, that it wouldn't matter. And I basically gave you my heart, I tried my best, and it's apparently not good enough for you if you come to me saying you're not trying to get attached to me because you don't want the break-up to be bad? Complete mind-fuck. Completely contrary to what we talked about at the beginning of our relationship, and then you just shatter it all. Ever since she said that, we haven't been the same. The ups and downs of a normal relationship are much steeper.
Shannon. I love you.
And Komal and Michael too, you guys are all amazing
<3
It's all over. I stood up for myself.
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