House of Cards.

I really wish I could have more happy posts.

Things are looking up though I guess. We're all over our problems. She apologized. Soooo. Yeah. But. I'm still over-analyzing things, and since you're reading this, might as well. One aspect is still different, we don't have those cute, deep, loving talks anymore, the ones where you remind each-other how much you mean for one another, I've tried but she just cut it off, I guess. And, what if she's still dating me not because she wants to, but because it would be awkward if we broke up? What if it's that prom shit? I'm always going to find bullshit like this to ruin my mood. I hate myself. No matter what anyone else will try to say to comfort me, I'll always hate myself, we'll always hate ourselves someway or another, some reasons more defined than others.

At this current state, my uhm, 'prognosis' is that she's just using me as of now, physically, and, as a guy who doesn't like to be played into stereotypes, I'm not in it for the physical aspect, it's fulfilling yes, but I ~need~ that emotional connection, and I feel that we're lacking that now. I was actually really proud of myself yesterday; we hung out at my house and of course, got to a point where we're both really horny, and, how to put this without sounding weird and really gross, I ate her out to the point where she had an orgasm (or I think, it's hard to tell with girls but I could tell she was reeeally into it, and was really tired afterwards) but it was all about her that day really, in other words, not that much focus on le dick~ and I'm proud of that, really proud of that. She even asked later that evening if I wanted her to do something to me but I refused. I don't know dude. I felt really good, but, hopefully we'll get to the point where we can establish that emotional connection again, even though our time's running thin..

I really wish she never said that she's trying not to get emotionally attached to me, even though she apologized for that and even cried about it, all of my blames fall on that statement now, and it's really draining.. I wish it isn't true, why can't she be like me and not give a fuck about the moment we break up? I want to make the best of our time, and we got in this relationship because we made each-other happy, and, if you're trying to, essentially, block me out, what's the point, my dear?

Goodnight, and fuck you Ms. Link.

And I can't sleep..

~I really can't sleep, and you're probably already asleep but,

I just feel like your using me, I just don't feel that emotional bridge from you anymore, as if I'm worthless to you, please tell me that I'm wrong and that I'm just over analyzing everything..~

that text has been hovering in my messages waiting for a send for half an hour now.. I'm afraid to send it though, what if something happens to us? What if she breaks up with me? I'm soo scared and pointless in this world.. Fuck. I think I might send it.. I don't want us to end, I just want her to care the same she did when we started dating..