It's not the first time.

Should I go as far to tell her I have mood swings? It's not severe, at least I don't think so, but for example, yesterday was fucking amazing, but now I'm feeling shittier than the girl who messed up on the National Anthem. I feel tired, sad, and not wanting to do anything at all. It's like I'd much rather sit here for my life than go out and try to entertain myself. Being home alone isn't all that for me, I guess. I do enjoy it, but when it's mixed with loneliness, I want to die than live like this.

Today at school was meh really. I felt really tired for the most part in every class except probably 5th~ 7th was a movie/note day so, my mind just started wandering to things it shouldn't wander, like a little kid and a non-conspicuous free candy van. But she was my high point of the day, every time, she was able to keep me happy. And, wow, that's all I can say. And she looked beautiful today, and I tell her that everyday, but I think she thinks I don't mean it, and that gets to be a little downing. I'm downing in general. I feel like a bad boyfriend, all the time really, I feel like everything I do is wrong, and there would have been something better to do in place of what I did, and it's constantly prodding at my mind. What's Cassidy going to say when she sees my blog? I'm not even sure if I want to show her it, seeing how every post lately is about her some how. She'll think less of me, not that my self-esteem can get any lower.

I wish I could get out with my board, and ride an endless hill which'll keep me at a constant crusing speed, and I want the wind to blow really strong while I'm riding effortlessly, and I want to be listening to the best music possible, the most mellow, relaxing, beautiful compositions ever made flowing into my eardrums and stimulating my mind to a musical euphoria. I want to feel alive. I need to feel alive, because I feel like shit now.

Friday I get to hangout with her, and, this is quite stunning but she's ready to have sex with me, she messaged me one day saying she had something she wanted to tell me, and it ends up she's ready. I feel scared, really. I'm really scared. What if I'm not good enough? Worse, what if I'm not big enough? Guy paranoia ia bad, but I can't say that it competes with what a girls goes through, still, I'm not going to tell my children that someone has it worse than them, because they're still dealing with their problems, not anyone else's. Back to the topic, we might have had sex for the first time on Friday, but she just started her period. Funny thing is when she told me, she said it was "bad news," lqtm, what? Bad news? Bad news is not being able to hang out. Bad news is wanting to break up with me, bad news is.. bad stuff like that, not not being able to have sex. I just want to hold her for longer than a hug, and I want to remind her how much she means to me, and I want to tell her I love her, and I want to feel her warmth radiating from her body to mine, and then kiss her on the forehead, and go back to watching the movie while we're both cuddling under a blanket. She makes me really fucking happy, and it'll be impossible for her to fully understand just how happy she makes me..

I'm sobbing. But it's a good sob. The previous paragraph really has made me stop thinking negatively, the wonders of writing out exactly what's in your head. So. Thank you for sticking around in my life~

A Diamond and a Tether.

I really don't know why I feel like shit right now.

I want to speculate that it has something to do with her being in Ocean City with a bunch of guys and girls and she's going to be out till midnight having fun with them, and, in-turn, I feel sad. I'm sad that I can't be there with her having fun, I'm just at home being sulky, and out of the 2 times she called me; what I had imagined was me being really happy and out going with her, but in reality I just felt like fucking shit. I felt like I was pulling her down, I felt that I was making her sad, and holy shit that's a horrible feeling. I want her to be happy, and she is right now, and I don't want to be the one to make her sad, but I can't be happy right now, and I feel very, very wrong about that. It's like when you do something really well once, and then you don't want to do it again because you feel like you won't do as good as last time, and in my case, I felt like I was a bad boyfriend when she called, and that feeling just won't go away now..

And now I can't help but be a paranoid fuck. She mentioned packing a dress for a dance, and, what? I can't fucking help it. What if she's with some hot guys and

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me.
I really don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be thinking this bullshit. I wish my mind could just be a fortified castle built on 'she wouldn't do anything with other guys' and the paranoia of enemies charging my castle, dead. But it never works out like that. The human mind can never drill that to acceptance. But. I'm going to try to tell myself that she's mine, and only mine.

And I'm sobbing again. But I shouldn't be. I have her. And we make each other happy. But I'm not a good person. I have mood swings, I'm paranoid, I'm never fine.. I'm not half the man that I should be.

And now some time later, I'm trying soo hard right now..

Styrofoam Plates.

First off, I can't believe I've gone this long without a word on here, it's strange, to say the least, but it's also quite positive, unlike what brought me back.

Life, overall, is good. I have someone to call mine, I have some amazing friends, and all those small things that make one happy in life. But, why am I in the state I am tonight? I've never bawled this fucking horribly for some two fucking months. On Wednesday, I had Cassidy come over since my dad is out of town for 2 weeks, my mom gets home at 8, and because I enjoy having her around me. My mom found out. She actually went through the fucking recordings and found out. Now, I can't see her for a while. And I don't even know how long that while is. And I'm going to have to have a talk with my dad when he gets back. We did nothing wrong. We didn't fucking get higher than cloud 9, burn down the house, and fuck. But it's still wrong. I understand, I did something I wasn't supposed to, I got caught, punishment. I accept that. It's the guilt that's killing me. Now my mom is acting like nothing is happening, while I'm putting on a smile for the mom that doesn't give a fuck what I do, and I'm the one that gets lectured by my dad about 'not talking to them enough about my feelings.' LAST FUCKING TIME I DID, YOU RESPONDED WITH 'WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?" REALLY? AND I'M THE FUCKING ONE WHO DOESN'T TALK TO ENOUGH ABOUT MY FEELINGS? GO FUCKING DIE. FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SAID THAT ABOUT ANYONE SERIOUSLY, BUT IT'S FUCKED UP. Now I'm sad, I'm trying to find something to calm me down, and so far alcohol works.

Aside from the parent issues, come my issues with Cassidy, and please, if I'm annoying, leave, I'm venting. We're going really good so far. And, she makes me happy, a kind of happy that I've gone too long without, and it's all I could ask for. But. She is a senior. And, she's going off to college. And. Whenever I think about, I'm sobbing my eyes out, and literally breaking down at the thought that look, I've found someone as amazing as her, with soo many things in common, and she's a fucking beautiful girl, I feel like I've been blessed to actually be able to call her mine, but, she's fucking leaving, and college is going to give her soo many opportunities, she's going to meet soo many amazing people, and sadly, better people than I am. She's going to move on, that's for sure, and as comfortable as she makes me feel, the fucking paranoia still haunts me. What if I'm just a ~thing~ for her, end of Senior year, for the hell of it? How the fuck am I even sure if she truly likes me? Is it really the paranoia that's getting to me? Am I really this fucked in the head? I'm just the clumsy awkward fuckhead who can't even hold a fucking conversation because he's soo fucking boring. I'm a fucking pathetic cunt, I'm just, me. And that's all I'll ever see. She really is too good for me. And. I feel like it's not even true sometimes. Is she just using me? And. Fuck, I don't even know anymore. I can't not think about it. It's only temporary. I can't say 'promise you'll be mine forever,' I can't promise anything that'll make me happy. I want her. But I can't ~have~ her. I'm a loser. I have overprotective parents, I'm awkward, I have no car, I won't have a car either for a long time, I'm not good at anything, I don't have a good body, I don't even have a straight head, and now I'm crashing. It's all temporary. I can't even match up to any of her previous boyfriends. I'm the fat, pathetic looser. I'm nothing. Was I wrong to get involved with her in the first place? I just need to stop thinking this much about it. But fuck. It's nice to hear me venting, eh guys? Lqtm. Uhm. I need to cool off now.

I just want to cry, and this time actually have someone to hold me while I cry, because I'm soo lonely. I just want someone to drive over and hug me, but, as much as I might dream about that, it'll never happen~

Yonkers.

Lastnight was scary, but I did it. And it worked:)

We got Moe's, talk there for a bit, then she took me home. Now the lulz ensue; while she was walking me to my door, I kinda dropped my drink out of nervousness :l which was kinda embarrassing. But then I asked her out. And. It was weird. Like. It was never a straightforward yes, because we need to talk about how it's going to work out since she's going to college so.. I guess that's the only meh part :l But. I felt soo good when she said 'I like you... and we'll work it out together because I don't want you to go with another girl' (something along those lines, I was too nervous to concentrate, but, I really felt like... loved:3). And then we kissed, and that was euphoric, even though I was in shock because I didn't expect it, so, my kiss was uh.. 'lacking in quality.' Later she called me to apologize and basically tell me she does actually wants us to date, since the conversation was all over the place after I asked her out

Shannon and Catie. I want to thank you dearly for listening and caring, I really doubt you'll ever imagine how much that means to me <3

The King of Limbs.

I want to start off by saying I'm happy. And, not that momentary funny joke happy, like, my soul is happy, if that's not weird? The new Radiohead album is amazing. And so is she.

But the first half of today was amazing. We spent about 5 hours at my house (she came over earlier) just ether watching anime or funny videos on Youtube. Highlight was when I used used the good ol' "If you were a pirate, would you have your parrot sit on this shoulder, or this one?" Shit was cash. And comfortable:3

Kinetic.

I guess you could say it's looking up.

First of all, I'd like to talk about the.... NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUMM. HOOOLYSHITTITT. FUCK. YES. pre-ordered the $48 version with 2 vinyls, 600+ pieces of artwork, and the CD. OH. and free album download online on Saturday. :3

Do you know what else is happening on Saturday? Cassidy is (might, hopefully better be) coming over. And no one's home till 5, unless my mom comes home early, then we're fucked. But. A house alone with her? Ohmy~ And not even in the sexual way, as in, I get to be with be her, and I've found that to be amazing. I think I'm going to retract some of what I said in my last post, because I just may be in love. We hung out on Valentine's Day for 2 hours at Starbucks, and we had an amazing time together, just talking about nothing. We're probably going to watch a movie or something, depending on how early she comes over. But. I'm excited, and I've gotta say, I've never been in this good of a mood in a terribly long time.

Cornerstone.

I guess things are alright now. I cried a fuck of a lot yesterday night, and a little bit this morning, but I'm over it for the most part. I mean. It can't be repaired or undone, but I'm getting over it, and happiness really is your best friend. I really wish I could just forget this, but it isn't something easily done at all. It's like something that will lurk on my mind for a long time. What I'm more worried about is if this will affect me emotionally on a long term, because I've already been in shallow water but this, this is just going to send me deeper. I'm afraid that it'll change how some people look at me. I'm afraid that I'm going to just hit rock bottom. I really don't want to live this way, for the most part. And sulking leads to depression. But I'm too good for depression, well, I hope I am. Because, depression is just.. really depressive, not wanting to even get out of bed. I mean. I get out of bed because I want to go to college so I can get a job and a car and a house and if it's not asking for too much, an amazing wife and kids. I want to keep trying to move on, but it's just soo hard right now. I'm just babbling on now, I'm sorry.

I don't think anything's going to happen between Cassidy and me. I mean. Even if she tries, I can't handle a relationship, and my past ones have shown that well enough. She's a beautiful girl, and I can't get it out of my mind that she could do 10 times better than me, she deserves some guy with a nice body, a guy that's good at something, a guy that's emotionally stable, a guy that's interesting, a guy that's perfect, because she deserves just that. I'm just a sad sappy sucker (Modest Mouse reference anyone?), and that low self esteem will just drive me down like it did with Logan. I can't be with a girl that beautiful, because as humans, we accept the love that we think we deserve. And. I'd feel bad if she wants to try to go somewhere with me, I'd feel horrible for her, I'd feel worse for her than I feel for myself right now, because she's better than me, she holds more emotional value than I hold for myself. If you understand what I'm trying to say? If not. I'm sorry, because I can't simplify that.

I don't wanna cry again. So. Goodnight~