A Diamond and a Tether.

I really don't know why I feel like shit right now.

I want to speculate that it has something to do with her being in Ocean City with a bunch of guys and girls and she's going to be out till midnight having fun with them, and, in-turn, I feel sad. I'm sad that I can't be there with her having fun, I'm just at home being sulky, and out of the 2 times she called me; what I had imagined was me being really happy and out going with her, but in reality I just felt like fucking shit. I felt like I was pulling her down, I felt that I was making her sad, and holy shit that's a horrible feeling. I want her to be happy, and she is right now, and I don't want to be the one to make her sad, but I can't be happy right now, and I feel very, very wrong about that. It's like when you do something really well once, and then you don't want to do it again because you feel like you won't do as good as last time, and in my case, I felt like I was a bad boyfriend when she called, and that feeling just won't go away now..

And now I can't help but be a paranoid fuck. She mentioned packing a dress for a dance, and, what? I can't fucking help it. What if she's with some hot guys and

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fuck

me.
I really don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be thinking this bullshit. I wish my mind could just be a fortified castle built on 'she wouldn't do anything with other guys' and the paranoia of enemies charging my castle, dead. But it never works out like that. The human mind can never drill that to acceptance. But. I'm going to try to tell myself that she's mine, and only mine.

And I'm sobbing again. But I shouldn't be. I have her. And we make each other happy. But I'm not a good person. I have mood swings, I'm paranoid, I'm never fine.. I'm not half the man that I should be.

And now some time later, I'm trying soo hard right now..