First off, I can't believe I've gone this long without a word on here, it's strange, to say the least, but it's also quite positive, unlike what brought me back.
Life, overall, is good. I have someone to call mine, I have some amazing friends, and all those small things that make one happy in life. But, why am I in the state I am tonight? I've never bawled this fucking horribly for some two fucking months. On Wednesday, I had Cassidy come over since my dad is out of town for 2 weeks, my mom gets home at 8, and because I enjoy having her around me. My mom found out. She actually went through the fucking recordings and found out. Now, I can't see her for a while. And I don't even know how long that while is. And I'm going to have to have a talk with my dad when he gets back. We did nothing wrong. We didn't fucking get higher than cloud 9, burn down the house, and fuck. But it's still wrong. I understand, I did something I wasn't supposed to, I got caught, punishment. I accept that. It's the guilt that's killing me. Now my mom is acting like nothing is happening, while I'm putting on a smile for the mom that doesn't give a fuck what I do, and I'm the one that gets lectured by my dad about 'not talking to them enough about my feelings.' LAST FUCKING TIME I DID, YOU RESPONDED WITH 'WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?" REALLY? AND I'M THE FUCKING ONE WHO DOESN'T TALK TO ENOUGH ABOUT MY FEELINGS? GO FUCKING DIE. FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SAID THAT ABOUT ANYONE SERIOUSLY, BUT IT'S FUCKED UP. Now I'm sad, I'm trying to find something to calm me down, and so far alcohol works.
Aside from the parent issues, come my issues with Cassidy, and please, if I'm annoying, leave, I'm venting. We're going really good so far. And, she makes me happy, a kind of happy that I've gone too long without, and it's all I could ask for. But. She is a senior. And, she's going off to college. And. Whenever I think about, I'm sobbing my eyes out, and literally breaking down at the thought that look, I've found someone as amazing as her, with soo many things in common, and she's a fucking beautiful girl, I feel like I've been blessed to actually be able to call her mine, but, she's fucking leaving, and college is going to give her soo many opportunities, she's going to meet soo many amazing people, and sadly, better people than I am. She's going to move on, that's for sure, and as comfortable as she makes me feel, the fucking paranoia still haunts me. What if I'm just a ~thing~ for her, end of Senior year, for the hell of it? How the fuck am I even sure if she truly likes me? Is it really the paranoia that's getting to me? Am I really this fucked in the head? I'm just the clumsy awkward fuckhead who can't even hold a fucking conversation because he's soo fucking boring. I'm a fucking pathetic cunt, I'm just, me. And that's all I'll ever see. She really is too good for me. And. I feel like it's not even true sometimes. Is she just using me? And. Fuck, I don't even know anymore. I can't not think about it. It's only temporary. I can't say 'promise you'll be mine forever,' I can't promise anything that'll make me happy. I want her. But I can't ~have~ her. I'm a loser. I have overprotective parents, I'm awkward, I have no car, I won't have a car either for a long time, I'm not good at anything, I don't have a good body, I don't even have a straight head, and now I'm crashing. It's all temporary. I can't even match up to any of her previous boyfriends. I'm the fat, pathetic looser. I'm nothing. Was I wrong to get involved with her in the first place? I just need to stop thinking this much about it. But fuck. It's nice to hear me venting, eh guys? Lqtm. Uhm. I need to cool off now.
I just want to cry, and this time actually have someone to hold me while I cry, because I'm soo lonely. I just want someone to drive over and hug me, but, as much as I might dream about that, it'll never happen~
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