Life Instead of Sleep/Sleep Instead of Life

Crying sucks and it's for fucking babies. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost at everything but everything's this way because of my fuck ups so that's helping me cope with it mentally--I guess. I would go as far to say I don't want to live anymore but I need to wait for Halo 5 and 6 to come out. I guess I'm just stuck; I can't find happiness and I haven't found it since I got home from Mason nor do I believe I can find it again when I get back.

I feel like all I do is complain on here but I did have times when I was happy so: life. I'm not happy about my boatloads of friends nor can I be happy about me as a person nor can I at least be happy about college because I'm obviously a dumb piece of shit. What do I fucking have to look up to every night and every morning? Fucking nothing dude and it just takes a toll after a while I guess.

Superbowl Birthday Party

I sort of really want to be a stand up comedian. Nothing big like the ones on Netflix or Comedy Central but for something along the lines of local bars and little coffee shops whatever. I've been sitting here thinking of jokes and I've been going on a really good spree, all about my life. Jokes about my life. Like - it would really help me to be okay with how pathetic my social - or lack there of - life is and my general existence to my parents and peers and my educational feats and it would be totally okay with everyone to laugh at. You know? It's like a forced bad thing that's made good? Or okay? I don't know. College is off to a rough start (All I really failed was micro-econ but whatever and got a C in intro to engineering and then three B+'s) but I guess I need to tell myself it'll get better? My dad kind of disowned me and compared me to Tyler - who passed micro-econ with a D - and the daughter of this Romanian family who is in eleventh grade and is in really high level classes and how pathetic and lazy I am and then about how careful he and my mother need to be or else my mood thrown off but that's my fault and that's been my fault even in relationships so I don't exactly feel like telling him he's self centered if he thinks he ruins my moods when it's just a daily disappointment for me. I've been sitting in my room since I got home from college not really doing anything. Only in the past weeks have I not talked to anyone besides teammates when I'm playing Counter Strike and this past week not even talking to my parents. It's really fucked up to be compared to someone obviously better than you, no matter how, when you already have the shittiest self image. It's not their faults however in that my parents have no idea how bad I am in the head about some things (I kind of hope they don't at least). 

So what now? I'm not looking forward for second semester and if I get bad grades or fail a class again I guess I'll just hint to dropping out of at least changing my major? I kind of like the idea of being a history teacher - or a math teacher for that matter so high-school/middle-school kids can hate me everyday that they see me. I kind of want to try doing comedy at least once so I guess I have a goal this summer? Find some little place that hosts stuff like that and see how it goes for the hell of it. Being a UPS driver would also be sort of cool: you get to drive around and make people happy indirectly and I wouldn't be forced to talk to anyone, not to mention benefits? I kind of want to go check what their pay is. Oh and you get to drive a really big brown truck van thing. I'm back and they make about 70-75k a year with really great benefits. I have a fallback as of this early morning - now to handle being an embarrassment to my parents. I don't know, dude. I've been really lonely since the end of first semester. I mean, lonelier than all of high-school. At least there I got to see people. At college I get to see people I'm 'okay' with being around but I don't have any really great friends. My relationship with Tyler is more of 'efficiency,' if you get what I mean? When everything's fine, it's fine, but when it's not we just stay out of our ways and I really like that because I don't even talk to my parents about personal things but I guess it sucks not having anyone anymore, but that's my fault also so everything's my fault in the end. If I could just have some confidence and stability then I could probably be okay but so far, I'm okay with no one looking at me and cuddling my stuffed animal every-night and morning - it's not the same but at least I keep my head to myself instead of making other people unhappy and only making myself unhappy too. I'm talking a lot tonight. I guess it makes up for not talking to my parents or anyone really. 

I'm just no one. I have no one. I have nothing. I have material objects that I buy in hopes of making myself happy and it works for about a couple of days or something but that's it. You know? Like, I literally have nothing. I have no hopes for college after this first semester. I have no one to fall back on. I have no interest in putting effort into anything, especially after failure. I don't know. I'm okay with not having one or two really great friends over having a ton of 'friends' who don't really give a shit about me. I mean, sure, I wish I had close friends but keeping in contact with people is just really draining for me? Like, I don't know. 'opegerj 3q

fGJES
feofkoEFSJGS

gay. 

Terry vs. Tori

So as few may know, my mom and I frequently argue and then go days or weeks without talking and this is just really common.

Well, the placement of our recent argument came right before I was supposed to get my hair trimmed (December 18ish). It was really long to my new standards of ~long~ and I got really bored with it today so I took one of my mom's machine trimmer things and I took one big swipe right down the middle of my head. Looking back in the mirror, it was really one of those "well, I can't go back now." I think it may have been a number five or six head but my hair is really short now and it feels weird and I sort of regret the decision but it's not all that bad? I think I'm just going to let it grow out a little then go to a salon or something. I don't know at this point. I have some sort of "no one really cares either" mindset so it doesn't even really matter what it looks like; it's not like it's making me any happier so whatever works? Oh and:

I've just been staring at myself through the webcam and it was weird at first because I'm not used to having hair this short but it's fine? 

I've been getting better at not listening to sad music and sobbing every night. I saw Girl Scouts, Modern Baseball, Dikembe, and You Blew It! on the 30th and I was joking with Dikembe and You Blew It dudes the whole time and they were actually laughing really hard and I made buddies with them and the lead singer of Dikembe accepted me on Facebook because he remembered me and I got to sing right into Tanner's mic for their two last songs and after their set, Tanner put down his guitar and said "Come here buddy" and hugged me and thanked me for a really amazing show and I just. Wow. I may not have very good friends from around here except a handful but I can make friends with band dudes really easily. And I bought two Dikembe shirts. So that was my high point of the pre-New Years. 

I feel like a whiny teenager but I've actually been really lonely lately. Besides going to that show and going over to Jesse's for a few hours when he came back, I've been sitting at home playing video games and watching movies and I don't really know where my phone has been these past days nor has anyone texted me anyway. It actually isn't that bad if I didn't have to see/think about other people and their friend groups or multiple groups and people in relationships and that all. I mean. It's not all that bad, honestly. Games have been keeping me fairly busy and I've been sleeping and spending enough time in bed to be borderline depressed so. Mason's not really any better either. I've made friends, yeah, however none except for Helen are worth actually spending time with because they're all either boring or really two-faced. So. I'm okay with being alone for the duration of college. I'll have a car this summer and I'll be able to go to any shows I want and however many I want and I'll have classes to keep me busy and stuff so. I guess I've come to a point of acceptance with everything. I don't miss Tumblr. I'm honestly even debating deactivating my Facebook for a few months maybe - until the end of 2nd semester. I'm just going to start trying to do what I want to do and being selfish to achieve that as long as I'm not hurting any human being. I just wish I had money because that sometimes prove to be really great at pulling me out of bad swings. I want to try to get a job at Gamestop over the summer if I can schedule that with maybe two summer classes. Who knows - we'll see.

Librarians Kill For That Kind of Quiet

Scott from Dads IM'd me on Facebook tonight to tell me about his new pedals and then we talked about amps and then shows and vans and merch and now how Tanner (You Blew It!) wrote Medal of Honor about his ex breaking up with him on Christmas.

I wish I could have more things like these to make me content and happyish again. Any who. I guess I'm just going to soak this up for the next week or something until something else happens.

It's Fiction

Yay me I got an Ampeg B2 and Acoustic B410 for Christmas and that's them with my other two cuties; soon, I will have a wall of amplifiers.

Well. Ever since I sort of broke down really hard one right, specifically the night that I deleted my Tumblr. I'm not proud of it but I've been literally listening to Joie De Vivre and crying myself to sleep ever since I got back from Mason; I guess I couldn't really do it there given my living circumstances. I've just been having bad dreams on top of that fatigue of falling asleep that ends up either waking me up at night or scared or sulky in the morning and I feel bad for my parents because they have to deal with me being sad and quiet. Giving up on Tumblr was reassuringly easy and it's kind of okay really. Everything on that site lead me back to her one way or another and I couldn't do that anymore so. I can't believe how unbearably fucking unhappy I am and how much I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing with my life. I just want to lay down and die from embarrassment and jealousy and insecurity and loneliness and the sadness that is like having excess body oil on the forehead and back and chest. I'm not a poet by any means. I am a satire of myself.

I just wish I could sleep okay. I haven't really talked to anyone for days. I've just been leaving my phone on my desk this past week and nothing. I don't even understand why I'm getting an iPhone. I don't even talk to anyone. I haven't texted anyone these past two weeks besides asking Jesse if I could use his Netflix account. I bought myself a new game lastnight however so I've just been using that to occupy my mind I guess. I really want to cry again. I guess tonight's going to be the same as all.

Gordon Paul

I know this seems like absolutely nothing and it should really be nothing but I was watching this documentary which is in parts about World War 2  in the living room and my dad came in and asked if I wanted to play a game on the computer jokingly and I asked him why and he said because he wanted to watch Romanian TV and that he already saw these documentaries in Romanian with a rough translation of 'this monkey business' to relate to them. I just turned the TV, got my laptop, and I walked downstairs and he was asking if I wanted to watch it; he and my mother know very well how much I dislike Romanian programming so I don't know if he was still joking there or what but whatever. 

I've been in the basement watching Breaking Bad over again and my mother got home from work and went upstairs for half an hour before coming down to remind me to take my medication, not even hi because I'm back from college for the weekend and all so I've just been here by myself for a few hours now and I really hate sobbing like a little bitch but I can't help it. I guess I'm just really sensitive because I'm scared how I'm actually thinking about just shooting myself in the head with our Sig because it's right now here in the gun safe and hell I can't because I own all these nice things and I want to at least sell them off to people who I know will take care of them and be in good hands and I can't tonight or tomorrow because my parents are having this Romanian get together on Saturday and I don't really want to ruin that and I can't until I Skype with my grandparents again because I really miss them and I'm just so fucking sad and no one gives a fucking shit about me. I mean, people give a shit when I say or do something to provoke that temporary attention but I'm not significant to anyone. I'm not important to shit. I'm probably going to fail econ this semester so fuckadoodledoo and I'm going for an electrical engineering major but I'm kind of a semester close to a year behind everyone? And I saw Connor today with one of his frat friends and he just mean mugged me like the girls in Mean Girls do? Like. What did I even. Because Brandon told everyone I 'blew him off' because I slept all day? That's just on a different page but I haven't told anyone because I don't even like talking to people about my emotions. What am I even fucking doing? No one gives a fucking shit and I just want to sit in bed and not get up anymore. If I kill myself people will kind of be forced to think about me and that's not even what I want. I just don't feel special in any way. I'm not good at anything because someone will always do it better than me. I won't be missed significantly because shit happens and human nature helps people get over stuff like that. I wish I was better at explaining what all is going on in my head but I can't even do that much. 

I don't even have like... a friend group, to say? Like a group of people I can together with and be perfect comfortable with myself and have our own inside jokes and plans and stuff we want to do and it fucking sucks seeing people have that. Fuck it dude.

I just want a cat and shit apartment and job with UPS Delivery but I don't even know if I'll be able to go through realizing I'm a failure to get to that last ditch option. I'm just a disappointment to everyone one way or another.

I Will be Okay. Everything.

First off, I'd like to recommend that album up there and if you don't want to pay for it off of Deer Leap's Bandcamp, Mediafire blesses us all with free p2p filesharing - huzzah! I actually haven't check to make sure if it's the right download, but I only know of one Deer Leap + TWIABP split so it has to be it. It's really, truly beautiful - anything The World Is has released is a musical work of art as I find their style of music to be one of a kind.

As for the rest: college is bad but not as bad as anticipated in terms of workloads but that can always be because it's just Freshman year. I've heard pretty scary things about the upper level technical engineering courses, let alone upper level Calculus and Physics (I like capitalizing important things regardless of their importance to anyone else), but, I have extremely supportive parents so I'm fortunate for that. If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to try not to stress myself over it. I'm not saying this with implications that I do not want to put effort into my original field of study, no - I love the world of electrical engineering and I want to be a part of it as an individual who is specialized in the field, but, if it proves to be too much for my capabilities I'm not going to stress myself into doing what I'm not capable of is all.

My social life has deteriorated since high-school though, I'd like to say. I have made friends here, of course - I'm not some introvert, acute hikikomori and I like to think I'm easy to make friends with if you get past my pretentious, bitter asshole first appearance - but I'm not going out of my way anymore. I like to think that this is a good thing though; I'm not going to go out of my way for someone that I do not deem worth of my effort, you know? I don't go out of my way unless I feel it's worth it. I've tried twice, I must say, and I do not feel like trying again after two dead ends - so to say. As long as my head is kept occupied with something (in the future to be mathematics and general college work loads), I rather do not mind being alone in terms of companionship; it's just keeping myself busy that proves to be the hard part. I've found to be the same way like my dad in terms of keeping myself busy; I have no problem craving intimacy or a romantic interest as long as I have a project I'm working on or a good video game or just things to look forward to in general. When I start being mindless - so to say - is when I start thinking of things that have happened in the past that evoke back feelings of love, comfort, hurt, sadness, and instability. I'd like to try to avoid all of those, naturally, at least for now and for a very long time. I'm regretting my past relationship and I'm regretting last year and this year and all the time I put into things only to have had them end the way they did - but that's just called being a human, I guess. I feel different after that relationship. It was all new to me; to actually be truly loved by someone and to have lasted that long and I do feel confident in saying it has changed the way I think about things like that - I don't want someone being that close to me ever again. I'm not a reliable human and that's going to be it. I want to like myself more.