Gordon Paul

I know this seems like absolutely nothing and it should really be nothing but I was watching this documentary which is in parts about World War 2  in the living room and my dad came in and asked if I wanted to play a game on the computer jokingly and I asked him why and he said because he wanted to watch Romanian TV and that he already saw these documentaries in Romanian with a rough translation of 'this monkey business' to relate to them. I just turned the TV, got my laptop, and I walked downstairs and he was asking if I wanted to watch it; he and my mother know very well how much I dislike Romanian programming so I don't know if he was still joking there or what but whatever. 

I've been in the basement watching Breaking Bad over again and my mother got home from work and went upstairs for half an hour before coming down to remind me to take my medication, not even hi because I'm back from college for the weekend and all so I've just been here by myself for a few hours now and I really hate sobbing like a little bitch but I can't help it. I guess I'm just really sensitive because I'm scared how I'm actually thinking about just shooting myself in the head with our Sig because it's right now here in the gun safe and hell I can't because I own all these nice things and I want to at least sell them off to people who I know will take care of them and be in good hands and I can't tonight or tomorrow because my parents are having this Romanian get together on Saturday and I don't really want to ruin that and I can't until I Skype with my grandparents again because I really miss them and I'm just so fucking sad and no one gives a fucking shit about me. I mean, people give a shit when I say or do something to provoke that temporary attention but I'm not significant to anyone. I'm not important to shit. I'm probably going to fail econ this semester so fuckadoodledoo and I'm going for an electrical engineering major but I'm kind of a semester close to a year behind everyone? And I saw Connor today with one of his frat friends and he just mean mugged me like the girls in Mean Girls do? Like. What did I even. Because Brandon told everyone I 'blew him off' because I slept all day? That's just on a different page but I haven't told anyone because I don't even like talking to people about my emotions. What am I even fucking doing? No one gives a fucking shit and I just want to sit in bed and not get up anymore. If I kill myself people will kind of be forced to think about me and that's not even what I want. I just don't feel special in any way. I'm not good at anything because someone will always do it better than me. I won't be missed significantly because shit happens and human nature helps people get over stuff like that. I wish I was better at explaining what all is going on in my head but I can't even do that much. 

I don't even have like... a friend group, to say? Like a group of people I can together with and be perfect comfortable with myself and have our own inside jokes and plans and stuff we want to do and it fucking sucks seeing people have that. Fuck it dude.

I just want a cat and shit apartment and job with UPS Delivery but I don't even know if I'll be able to go through realizing I'm a failure to get to that last ditch option. I'm just a disappointment to everyone one way or another.