I Will be Okay. Everything.

First off, I'd like to recommend that album up there and if you don't want to pay for it off of Deer Leap's Bandcamp, Mediafire blesses us all with free p2p filesharing - huzzah! I actually haven't check to make sure if it's the right download, but I only know of one Deer Leap + TWIABP split so it has to be it. It's really, truly beautiful - anything The World Is has released is a musical work of art as I find their style of music to be one of a kind.

As for the rest: college is bad but not as bad as anticipated in terms of workloads but that can always be because it's just Freshman year. I've heard pretty scary things about the upper level technical engineering courses, let alone upper level Calculus and Physics (I like capitalizing important things regardless of their importance to anyone else), but, I have extremely supportive parents so I'm fortunate for that. If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to try not to stress myself over it. I'm not saying this with implications that I do not want to put effort into my original field of study, no - I love the world of electrical engineering and I want to be a part of it as an individual who is specialized in the field, but, if it proves to be too much for my capabilities I'm not going to stress myself into doing what I'm not capable of is all.

My social life has deteriorated since high-school though, I'd like to say. I have made friends here, of course - I'm not some introvert, acute hikikomori and I like to think I'm easy to make friends with if you get past my pretentious, bitter asshole first appearance - but I'm not going out of my way anymore. I like to think that this is a good thing though; I'm not going to go out of my way for someone that I do not deem worth of my effort, you know? I don't go out of my way unless I feel it's worth it. I've tried twice, I must say, and I do not feel like trying again after two dead ends - so to say. As long as my head is kept occupied with something (in the future to be mathematics and general college work loads), I rather do not mind being alone in terms of companionship; it's just keeping myself busy that proves to be the hard part. I've found to be the same way like my dad in terms of keeping myself busy; I have no problem craving intimacy or a romantic interest as long as I have a project I'm working on or a good video game or just things to look forward to in general. When I start being mindless - so to say - is when I start thinking of things that have happened in the past that evoke back feelings of love, comfort, hurt, sadness, and instability. I'd like to try to avoid all of those, naturally, at least for now and for a very long time. I'm regretting my past relationship and I'm regretting last year and this year and all the time I put into things only to have had them end the way they did - but that's just called being a human, I guess. I feel different after that relationship. It was all new to me; to actually be truly loved by someone and to have lasted that long and I do feel confident in saying it has changed the way I think about things like that - I don't want someone being that close to me ever again. I'm not a reliable human and that's going to be it. I want to like myself more.