Sod In The Seed

She's mine again - my lovely kitten princess. I can't believe how happy I am.

The Holland Tunnel

I was going through my emails and deleting old ones so my inbox is at a comfortable 20 emails and I kept finding emails of pictures from my phone of you and the cats and I sort of saved them away in a folder. I miss the kittens. But hey, I'm glad the future has treated you better and, out of all honesty, when I think of you being happy by yourself or when you're with your friends or anyone else, I'm a little happy too because I think I know how much you deserve to be happy and finally get the attention you merit yourself. You were right, too. You will be the only person to love me as much as you did and I'm sort of at peace with that because you gave me what was possibly the best year of my life in terms of feeling like an okay person for once. You won't believe how great you'll feel when I'm just a memory and you have someone new to replace what I once was and I hope I built a foundation of stability for you so that you can really work on your new relationships. That sounded really fucking stupid actually - I'm horrible at explaining myself. Just focus on making good friends. Unlike me, you're a really beautiful and just sweet, humble, great person to be around. People like that in other people. I just want you to do 10x better than when we were dating. You deserve that much. I just need someone to slap me over the face.

I've liked this band for a little under a year now and I just looked up the lyrics not too long ago to one of my favourite songs by them and this song just does an excellent job of pinning this position I've been in for the last few months, so, if anyone's interested, ~~~~:

"Sleeping in is getting old so I'm lying down, continually unsure - keep wondering why I waste my time. I looked up now I'm out of touch with what I thought I once was. I'm standing now but I don't know how much trust I have in myself or anyone else. My hands are becoming too weak to hold onto my own head. I'm exhausted from telling myself that I really know nothing. What keeps me from leaving this room is the memories I have of the time that I sat here and held on to something I said - but I'm over it. What makes me feel so weak is my inability to walk out from under this fucking ceiling. No one knows why my head is numb; it's all a part of why I can't feel sad when I know that it's worth it - I'm done trying."

This is why I love small, twinkly emo bands.

Unluck

You know-- it was okay for a time up until my dad disowned me and now I really have no one to kind of fall back on. It was okay; it was bearable until then. God I need to find something else to do than to bitch here but I just have so much in me and I guess I just need someone to talk to. It just feels really wrong to talk to people about my problems and that's why I don't do it but I can't anymore, I just need to fucking move on with my pathetic satire of a life.

I find myself cuddling my little plush stuffed dog to be able to sleep and even avoiding sleep on bad nights because it just means over-thinking shitty things. Why am I such a fucking mess.

Life Instead of Sleep/Sleep Instead of Life

Crying sucks and it's for fucking babies. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost at everything but everything's this way because of my fuck ups so that's helping me cope with it mentally--I guess. I would go as far to say I don't want to live anymore but I need to wait for Halo 5 and 6 to come out. I guess I'm just stuck; I can't find happiness and I haven't found it since I got home from Mason nor do I believe I can find it again when I get back.

I feel like all I do is complain on here but I did have times when I was happy so: life. I'm not happy about my boatloads of friends nor can I be happy about me as a person nor can I at least be happy about college because I'm obviously a dumb piece of shit. What do I fucking have to look up to every night and every morning? Fucking nothing dude and it just takes a toll after a while I guess.

Superbowl Birthday Party

I sort of really want to be a stand up comedian. Nothing big like the ones on Netflix or Comedy Central but for something along the lines of local bars and little coffee shops whatever. I've been sitting here thinking of jokes and I've been going on a really good spree, all about my life. Jokes about my life. Like - it would really help me to be okay with how pathetic my social - or lack there of - life is and my general existence to my parents and peers and my educational feats and it would be totally okay with everyone to laugh at. You know? It's like a forced bad thing that's made good? Or okay? I don't know. College is off to a rough start (All I really failed was micro-econ but whatever and got a C in intro to engineering and then three B+'s) but I guess I need to tell myself it'll get better? My dad kind of disowned me and compared me to Tyler - who passed micro-econ with a D - and the daughter of this Romanian family who is in eleventh grade and is in really high level classes and how pathetic and lazy I am and then about how careful he and my mother need to be or else my mood thrown off but that's my fault and that's been my fault even in relationships so I don't exactly feel like telling him he's self centered if he thinks he ruins my moods when it's just a daily disappointment for me. I've been sitting in my room since I got home from college not really doing anything. Only in the past weeks have I not talked to anyone besides teammates when I'm playing Counter Strike and this past week not even talking to my parents. It's really fucked up to be compared to someone obviously better than you, no matter how, when you already have the shittiest self image. It's not their faults however in that my parents have no idea how bad I am in the head about some things (I kind of hope they don't at least). 

So what now? I'm not looking forward for second semester and if I get bad grades or fail a class again I guess I'll just hint to dropping out of at least changing my major? I kind of like the idea of being a history teacher - or a math teacher for that matter so high-school/middle-school kids can hate me everyday that they see me. I kind of want to try doing comedy at least once so I guess I have a goal this summer? Find some little place that hosts stuff like that and see how it goes for the hell of it. Being a UPS driver would also be sort of cool: you get to drive around and make people happy indirectly and I wouldn't be forced to talk to anyone, not to mention benefits? I kind of want to go check what their pay is. Oh and you get to drive a really big brown truck van thing. I'm back and they make about 70-75k a year with really great benefits. I have a fallback as of this early morning - now to handle being an embarrassment to my parents. I don't know, dude. I've been really lonely since the end of first semester. I mean, lonelier than all of high-school. At least there I got to see people. At college I get to see people I'm 'okay' with being around but I don't have any really great friends. My relationship with Tyler is more of 'efficiency,' if you get what I mean? When everything's fine, it's fine, but when it's not we just stay out of our ways and I really like that because I don't even talk to my parents about personal things but I guess it sucks not having anyone anymore, but that's my fault also so everything's my fault in the end. If I could just have some confidence and stability then I could probably be okay but so far, I'm okay with no one looking at me and cuddling my stuffed animal every-night and morning - it's not the same but at least I keep my head to myself instead of making other people unhappy and only making myself unhappy too. I'm talking a lot tonight. I guess it makes up for not talking to my parents or anyone really. 

I'm just no one. I have no one. I have nothing. I have material objects that I buy in hopes of making myself happy and it works for about a couple of days or something but that's it. You know? Like, I literally have nothing. I have no hopes for college after this first semester. I have no one to fall back on. I have no interest in putting effort into anything, especially after failure. I don't know. I'm okay with not having one or two really great friends over having a ton of 'friends' who don't really give a shit about me. I mean, sure, I wish I had close friends but keeping in contact with people is just really draining for me? Like, I don't know. 'opegerj 3q

fGJES
feofkoEFSJGS

gay. 

Terry vs. Tori

So as few may know, my mom and I frequently argue and then go days or weeks without talking and this is just really common.

Well, the placement of our recent argument came right before I was supposed to get my hair trimmed (December 18ish). It was really long to my new standards of ~long~ and I got really bored with it today so I took one of my mom's machine trimmer things and I took one big swipe right down the middle of my head. Looking back in the mirror, it was really one of those "well, I can't go back now." I think it may have been a number five or six head but my hair is really short now and it feels weird and I sort of regret the decision but it's not all that bad? I think I'm just going to let it grow out a little then go to a salon or something. I don't know at this point. I have some sort of "no one really cares either" mindset so it doesn't even really matter what it looks like; it's not like it's making me any happier so whatever works? Oh and:

I've just been staring at myself through the webcam and it was weird at first because I'm not used to having hair this short but it's fine? 

I've been getting better at not listening to sad music and sobbing every night. I saw Girl Scouts, Modern Baseball, Dikembe, and You Blew It! on the 30th and I was joking with Dikembe and You Blew It dudes the whole time and they were actually laughing really hard and I made buddies with them and the lead singer of Dikembe accepted me on Facebook because he remembered me and I got to sing right into Tanner's mic for their two last songs and after their set, Tanner put down his guitar and said "Come here buddy" and hugged me and thanked me for a really amazing show and I just. Wow. I may not have very good friends from around here except a handful but I can make friends with band dudes really easily. And I bought two Dikembe shirts. So that was my high point of the pre-New Years. 

I feel like a whiny teenager but I've actually been really lonely lately. Besides going to that show and going over to Jesse's for a few hours when he came back, I've been sitting at home playing video games and watching movies and I don't really know where my phone has been these past days nor has anyone texted me anyway. It actually isn't that bad if I didn't have to see/think about other people and their friend groups or multiple groups and people in relationships and that all. I mean. It's not all that bad, honestly. Games have been keeping me fairly busy and I've been sleeping and spending enough time in bed to be borderline depressed so. Mason's not really any better either. I've made friends, yeah, however none except for Helen are worth actually spending time with because they're all either boring or really two-faced. So. I'm okay with being alone for the duration of college. I'll have a car this summer and I'll be able to go to any shows I want and however many I want and I'll have classes to keep me busy and stuff so. I guess I've come to a point of acceptance with everything. I don't miss Tumblr. I'm honestly even debating deactivating my Facebook for a few months maybe - until the end of 2nd semester. I'm just going to start trying to do what I want to do and being selfish to achieve that as long as I'm not hurting any human being. I just wish I had money because that sometimes prove to be really great at pulling me out of bad swings. I want to try to get a job at Gamestop over the summer if I can schedule that with maybe two summer classes. Who knows - we'll see.

Librarians Kill For That Kind of Quiet

Scott from Dads IM'd me on Facebook tonight to tell me about his new pedals and then we talked about amps and then shows and vans and merch and now how Tanner (You Blew It!) wrote Medal of Honor about his ex breaking up with him on Christmas.

I wish I could have more things like these to make me content and happyish again. Any who. I guess I'm just going to soak this up for the next week or something until something else happens.

It's Fiction

Yay me I got an Ampeg B2 and Acoustic B410 for Christmas and that's them with my other two cuties; soon, I will have a wall of amplifiers.

Well. Ever since I sort of broke down really hard one right, specifically the night that I deleted my Tumblr. I'm not proud of it but I've been literally listening to Joie De Vivre and crying myself to sleep ever since I got back from Mason; I guess I couldn't really do it there given my living circumstances. I've just been having bad dreams on top of that fatigue of falling asleep that ends up either waking me up at night or scared or sulky in the morning and I feel bad for my parents because they have to deal with me being sad and quiet. Giving up on Tumblr was reassuringly easy and it's kind of okay really. Everything on that site lead me back to her one way or another and I couldn't do that anymore so. I can't believe how unbearably fucking unhappy I am and how much I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing with my life. I just want to lay down and die from embarrassment and jealousy and insecurity and loneliness and the sadness that is like having excess body oil on the forehead and back and chest. I'm not a poet by any means. I am a satire of myself.

I just wish I could sleep okay. I haven't really talked to anyone for days. I've just been leaving my phone on my desk this past week and nothing. I don't even understand why I'm getting an iPhone. I don't even talk to anyone. I haven't texted anyone these past two weeks besides asking Jesse if I could use his Netflix account. I bought myself a new game lastnight however so I've just been using that to occupy my mind I guess. I really want to cry again. I guess tonight's going to be the same as all.

Gordon Paul

I know this seems like absolutely nothing and it should really be nothing but I was watching this documentary which is in parts about World War 2  in the living room and my dad came in and asked if I wanted to play a game on the computer jokingly and I asked him why and he said because he wanted to watch Romanian TV and that he already saw these documentaries in Romanian with a rough translation of 'this monkey business' to relate to them. I just turned the TV, got my laptop, and I walked downstairs and he was asking if I wanted to watch it; he and my mother know very well how much I dislike Romanian programming so I don't know if he was still joking there or what but whatever. 

I've been in the basement watching Breaking Bad over again and my mother got home from work and went upstairs for half an hour before coming down to remind me to take my medication, not even hi because I'm back from college for the weekend and all so I've just been here by myself for a few hours now and I really hate sobbing like a little bitch but I can't help it. I guess I'm just really sensitive because I'm scared how I'm actually thinking about just shooting myself in the head with our Sig because it's right now here in the gun safe and hell I can't because I own all these nice things and I want to at least sell them off to people who I know will take care of them and be in good hands and I can't tonight or tomorrow because my parents are having this Romanian get together on Saturday and I don't really want to ruin that and I can't until I Skype with my grandparents again because I really miss them and I'm just so fucking sad and no one gives a fucking shit about me. I mean, people give a shit when I say or do something to provoke that temporary attention but I'm not significant to anyone. I'm not important to shit. I'm probably going to fail econ this semester so fuckadoodledoo and I'm going for an electrical engineering major but I'm kind of a semester close to a year behind everyone? And I saw Connor today with one of his frat friends and he just mean mugged me like the girls in Mean Girls do? Like. What did I even. Because Brandon told everyone I 'blew him off' because I slept all day? That's just on a different page but I haven't told anyone because I don't even like talking to people about my emotions. What am I even fucking doing? No one gives a fucking shit and I just want to sit in bed and not get up anymore. If I kill myself people will kind of be forced to think about me and that's not even what I want. I just don't feel special in any way. I'm not good at anything because someone will always do it better than me. I won't be missed significantly because shit happens and human nature helps people get over stuff like that. I wish I was better at explaining what all is going on in my head but I can't even do that much. 

I don't even have like... a friend group, to say? Like a group of people I can together with and be perfect comfortable with myself and have our own inside jokes and plans and stuff we want to do and it fucking sucks seeing people have that. Fuck it dude.

I just want a cat and shit apartment and job with UPS Delivery but I don't even know if I'll be able to go through realizing I'm a failure to get to that last ditch option. I'm just a disappointment to everyone one way or another.

I Will be Okay. Everything.

First off, I'd like to recommend that album up there and if you don't want to pay for it off of Deer Leap's Bandcamp, Mediafire blesses us all with free p2p filesharing - huzzah! I actually haven't check to make sure if it's the right download, but I only know of one Deer Leap + TWIABP split so it has to be it. It's really, truly beautiful - anything The World Is has released is a musical work of art as I find their style of music to be one of a kind.

As for the rest: college is bad but not as bad as anticipated in terms of workloads but that can always be because it's just Freshman year. I've heard pretty scary things about the upper level technical engineering courses, let alone upper level Calculus and Physics (I like capitalizing important things regardless of their importance to anyone else), but, I have extremely supportive parents so I'm fortunate for that. If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to try not to stress myself over it. I'm not saying this with implications that I do not want to put effort into my original field of study, no - I love the world of electrical engineering and I want to be a part of it as an individual who is specialized in the field, but, if it proves to be too much for my capabilities I'm not going to stress myself into doing what I'm not capable of is all.

My social life has deteriorated since high-school though, I'd like to say. I have made friends here, of course - I'm not some introvert, acute hikikomori and I like to think I'm easy to make friends with if you get past my pretentious, bitter asshole first appearance - but I'm not going out of my way anymore. I like to think that this is a good thing though; I'm not going to go out of my way for someone that I do not deem worth of my effort, you know? I don't go out of my way unless I feel it's worth it. I've tried twice, I must say, and I do not feel like trying again after two dead ends - so to say. As long as my head is kept occupied with something (in the future to be mathematics and general college work loads), I rather do not mind being alone in terms of companionship; it's just keeping myself busy that proves to be the hard part. I've found to be the same way like my dad in terms of keeping myself busy; I have no problem craving intimacy or a romantic interest as long as I have a project I'm working on or a good video game or just things to look forward to in general. When I start being mindless - so to say - is when I start thinking of things that have happened in the past that evoke back feelings of love, comfort, hurt, sadness, and instability. I'd like to try to avoid all of those, naturally, at least for now and for a very long time. I'm regretting my past relationship and I'm regretting last year and this year and all the time I put into things only to have had them end the way they did - but that's just called being a human, I guess. I feel different after that relationship. It was all new to me; to actually be truly loved by someone and to have lasted that long and I do feel confident in saying it has changed the way I think about things like that - I don't want someone being that close to me ever again. I'm not a reliable human and that's going to be it. I want to like myself more.

I'm going to have Tyler change my Tumblr password so I can't get on there again and I deactivated my Facebook and I'm a fucking wreck and I just want someone to cry on and take care of me but I'm just a sack of shit no one cares about

God fuck everything is so fucking hard. I never want someone to be that close to me ever again. I'm a fucking worthless human and I don't deserve shit from anyone.

Oh Messy Life

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is when I mature. 

I want to be able to be normal - as pretentious as that may come across. I'm a living sack shit. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. I can't even think back on thing because I get sad and stop talking to even my fucking roommate. I keep fucking myself over and that's something that I feel is wearing me down.

College isn't all that bad, however. I'm comfy with all the guys on my floor and a few others nearby; they're friends. I miss my actual friends though. Seeing everyone here in groups and hanging out and people talking to each other on Facebook and inside jokes and joking around together and going to shows and that. I can't even type out what I'm feeling and it's one of those nights. Everyone has a nice body and I'm the piece of shit with man boobs, a gut, and huge thighs. I don't know about anyone else but it's hard. It's hard to feel comfortable when you're surrounded by perfection. It's hard to not be able to go outside of my room without something over my t-shirt because I feel insecure about my upper body. It's hard to constantly be self conscious about my body when I'm in public. It's hard to have any self esteem in these circumstances. It's hard to find anything good in myself when I can't stop putting myself down and I just want to stop crying like a baby.

There's absolutely nothing good about me. I'm even getting a reputation for being an bitter asshole here; should I be okay with that? I feel like I am sometimes because people deserve it but it's hard to make friends when I can't find anyone who likes the same things as me. It fucking sucks to not be able to talk about good music and movies and guitar equipment with anyone here. It sucks to just have some sort of metaphorical mask all the time when I'm talking to other people. Everyone else is good at being attractive or playing music or being social and friendly and I'm good at not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like I want to take steps to bettering myself but I never do anything. 

Anyone can do better than me, so why do I even exist when there are just so many more better people around? Am I some kind of joke put on the Earth to live as a parasite? Everyone's just better than me in at least one way if not more. I'm not interesting. I'm not nice to look at. I'm not even second best to anything.

It's just hard to be alone is all, I guess.

The Bells.

Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me that it’s okay that I’m the way I am and that it’s normal at least to some extent. And I don’t go out in life seeking pity from people because I naturally push people away with my pessimism, but it’d just be nice for someone to say “I understand” and entirely understand, but that in itself is impossible because we’re all just humans.

And it just sucks that I live my life with some kind of constant hatred of an aspect of myself, may it be how much I over-think things, get paranoid, lonely, fat, disappointing, and just every shitty thing possible. I want to tell my mom to take me to someone to tell me if I have something wrong in my head because I’m afraid that it’ll be the only way I can stop being the way I am and start being a better person to the one in my life who deserves it the most. And I just feel useless and pathetic and a waste of an okay condition human body because I can’t let some things go, and I’m soo sensitive to everything. I always end up over-thinking it until I start freaking out and getting paranoid and crying all the fucking time and I really hate it, I honestly do because I don’t want to live my life like this. I mean honestly. I sat in bed for two hours this morning sobbing and then in the shower and then in the car because of Pedro the Lion’s The Bells, in which the character’s father says “I understand, son.”

College is going to be bad in some really key aspects of my life, and I’m just really afraid and lonely.

I just.. I really love her, a lot, and she's the first girl that I can say I'm actually in-love with, and that's a really great feeling~

Sense, Sensibility

I cut like a bitch. They're not even deep.

To Care (Like You)

I just want to zoom forward in life. I feel as if all of this pointless bickering is worthless. High-school's pathetic and I can't anymore. Well. I will go on regardless because well, yeah, but I can't stand being who I am. I hate everything and I like that because I don't feel as if I should stoop down to a level that I don't want to go down to. I just want to zoom forward and graduate and then zoom forward to my 4th year in college and start living then, that is, if I even make it that far.

This isn't an attention spam some type of 'herp derp gonna kill myself,' but thinking about it really scares me and I just don't really understand why. And, it's not as if I want to be like this for the rest of my life, and it's that which scares me...

But fuck do I have a good life so far. And I'm not taking things for granted, like her.

I just don't want to think badly of this whole schooling period of life. But it's hard. School work's not bad, I enjoy studying and doing homework to some extent, it's just life in-school's really bad sometimes but, here's to me complaining. I just wish I could stop complaining so much.

And I guess today's just a bad day? School got the best of me and that's frustrating, not necessarily that there are a ton of idiots alive, but that I let it get to me, you know? It's like a sense of disappointment in myself. And trying to do all of this AP Gov stuff and actually reading and studying the chapter like I haven't before; it's alright, but fuck it doesn't mix with my emotions today.. And that's why I'm afraid of college; it takes studying, yeah. But if I'm always pessimistic about life, then, where am I gonna get? I can't tell myself "it'll all be okay" because then I'd be lying to myself and that's the last thing I want to do to myself. And I have to write about The Importance of Being Earnest and it's not that I don't like the play or that I find it uninteresting, it's just that this mood ruins it all for me. I want to study and analyze and understand it all, but I feel like I can't, and it's depressing I guess.

I'd feel bad if I say 'fuck it' for today and stop working. Then I'd feel like every other idiot I make fun of.

What if electrical engineering is too much for me? What other major could I try to get in? Is there any kind of job that wouldn't require me to interact with idiots? I'd love that; some steady job that earns a pretty okay pay and isn't stressful.

Ugh. I want a kitty.

I never really re-read my posts for grammar errors. Fight me.

I've got piano

Sometimes, I lay awake thinking about the past and all the shitty things that happened, the way it all turned out and the way that things are now.

But. I have been debating the circumstance of getting a job. January 3rd is when my dad gets sent off, so, fuck January 3rd. Money would be very nice that we're not exactly rich people and I hate having to ask my parents for large sums of money. Now. I can manage school and job, I'm almost positive. I already spend at most 2 hours on school work, and some days, I have nothing to do and I sit at home and want to kill myself because I'll never manage in college. Besides that, going to work for at least 3 or 4 hours everyday would be nice. It would be nice in both the sense of having some money and also in not making me want to kill myself because I have something to do.

It's a vice to mankind; to have an empty mind. I just lose it and over-think everything and then get paranoid and want to go away for a while from everything. But finding things to do is really hard, strange enough. I mean, sure, I find work to do outside and around the house for a little, but then it's back to sulking in my little chair pretending I amount to something. And I’d like to be a big ball of meat that bees can buzz around and eat when I die so that I may be granted one sense of purpose because I feel like I do nothing now. My mom's somewhat of a total twat when it comes to making me happy or keeping me happy, and my dad is really my only source of laughter in this house. But. Oh well. I'll at least have the car so if I want to go out and drive somewhere to die, I can.

If I do get a job though, I'm going to lose a lot of free time. And I want that free time for her, so, fuck.

And I started thinking about crying and falling apart at college and going outside at 2 in the morning breaking down..

Funny thing it happened at college.

And I really wish I fucking had money. Then I could pay for gas and I could pay for small things without worrying about spending all my money. I mean, I'm trying to save up for a Leica but they cost money and I only have about $1,000. I need at least twice or three times that amount. How. I'm not selling my guitar nor pedals, no fucking way. I could at least get $1,500 off my guitar, but my bond to it is too strong to sell it off.. same with my pedals; I have everything exactly where I wanted it to be since. Welp, I guess I can always hide my card so I can never use it in person or over the internet to buy things until I have my desired total. And, I thought Christmas money would help, but $50 isn't all to substantial. Regardless, it's going on there.

What else did I want to talk about...

I actually want to fall apart sometime. Just. Cry for hours.

I feel like I bring everyone down because of the way I think. I think that if I go away for a while, it'll allow people to feel better. I always fuck things up and I always make people doubt everything and it really sucks. Regardless of what everyone may say, I can't wait to go to college and not make any friends besides my roommate. I've had dreams where whoever the unfortunate roommate is gets to see me falling apart slowly. And he tries to stop and to help me but doesn't succeed. And then, God knows what. I actually do want to just go to my classes, study, do homework/whatever, go to sleep, repeat, visit my parents and old friends, and then go on to have a stable job as a single male with cats. I honestly don't see myself holding anyone of value close because I just make them go away anyway, so, why bother? Cats though, I really cannot wait to have a place of my own and own cats. Maybe New York. I could buy an apartment and live in New York so I don't have to worry about anything besides what's in my apartment. And I could have cats. And not give a shit what my mom has to say about them because my dad would come visit and play with them. Fuck.

I could stay alive for at least that to happen. And then commit suicide in my late 40's.

I'm honestly not even depressed or sad about this. I'm just thinking realistically, thus, pessimistically.

I want a really nice camera that I'll never have to upgrade besides lenses. And then, fuck, just die or something. I don't know.

My dad's friend gave us Irish Cream. I've drank about half the bottle. It's hard liqueur, and my grammar is still nearly flawless. Amen nationality.

Motivational Song

My mom will never be able to be happy for me that I'm happy.

But. Today was really, really, really pretty great c:

Flying Lotus

Today was just, really, really relaxing and great,
and I really love her~

Night on the Sun

I feel like writing more because as of this sentence, it's only 12:06 and Modest Mouse is the mood music of tonight so far so,

Ben's really adorable. I can fully respect guys who don't fit into that social image of a really attractive male with abs and a slender face and some cute role in a TV show or something like that, which in-turn has thousands and possibly millions of fangirls fantasizing of touching him with sexual intentions. While, yes, he has gotten much slender now, Ben will always touch me (ohoho gay) as possibly thee (thee, emphasis on the ee) cutest celebrity person ever, hands down. Put aside my Jonny Greenwood and Thom Yorke. I mean. Look at him.

He makes my emotions putty when I look at him, and that's not including his voice. And Death Cab has been on of the 3 Founding Cool Bands that Alex liked in his musical infancy days: Radiohead, Death Cab, and the Arctic Monkeys.

Oh, and being on the theme of music, go look up Isaac Brock. He's the lead singer of Modest Mouse and he's also another manly role model of mine, because Jonny is impossible.

I have money, but I don't know exactly how to use it just yet. I wanted to pick up a Peavy Vypr 30watt amplifier head now that I got ride of my Vox AC15c1 to Mrs. Schofield for $400, so, I have that $400 to spend. The Peavy's only $190. Or. I could try to look at something in the 200-$300 range but eh, I'll see. Then $600 (hopefully) for my Nikon and I can use that and whatever's left of the $400 for a nicer body, and then I forgot Christmas money, oh, oh okay~

So, that's all my life consists of. And, I really hope I can actually go talk to Mr. Lederman about my little psychiatrist problem, and hopefully it works out.

Goodnight/Have a nice day, everyone~