Sense, Sensibility

I cut like a bitch. They're not even deep.

To Care (Like You)

I just want to zoom forward in life. I feel as if all of this pointless bickering is worthless. High-school's pathetic and I can't anymore. Well. I will go on regardless because well, yeah, but I can't stand being who I am. I hate everything and I like that because I don't feel as if I should stoop down to a level that I don't want to go down to. I just want to zoom forward and graduate and then zoom forward to my 4th year in college and start living then, that is, if I even make it that far.

This isn't an attention spam some type of 'herp derp gonna kill myself,' but thinking about it really scares me and I just don't really understand why. And, it's not as if I want to be like this for the rest of my life, and it's that which scares me...

But fuck do I have a good life so far. And I'm not taking things for granted, like her.

I just don't want to think badly of this whole schooling period of life. But it's hard. School work's not bad, I enjoy studying and doing homework to some extent, it's just life in-school's really bad sometimes but, here's to me complaining. I just wish I could stop complaining so much.

And I guess today's just a bad day? School got the best of me and that's frustrating, not necessarily that there are a ton of idiots alive, but that I let it get to me, you know? It's like a sense of disappointment in myself. And trying to do all of this AP Gov stuff and actually reading and studying the chapter like I haven't before; it's alright, but fuck it doesn't mix with my emotions today.. And that's why I'm afraid of college; it takes studying, yeah. But if I'm always pessimistic about life, then, where am I gonna get? I can't tell myself "it'll all be okay" because then I'd be lying to myself and that's the last thing I want to do to myself. And I have to write about The Importance of Being Earnest and it's not that I don't like the play or that I find it uninteresting, it's just that this mood ruins it all for me. I want to study and analyze and understand it all, but I feel like I can't, and it's depressing I guess.

I'd feel bad if I say 'fuck it' for today and stop working. Then I'd feel like every other idiot I make fun of.

What if electrical engineering is too much for me? What other major could I try to get in? Is there any kind of job that wouldn't require me to interact with idiots? I'd love that; some steady job that earns a pretty okay pay and isn't stressful.

Ugh. I want a kitty.

I never really re-read my posts for grammar errors. Fight me.

I've got piano

Sometimes, I lay awake thinking about the past and all the shitty things that happened, the way it all turned out and the way that things are now.

But. I have been debating the circumstance of getting a job. January 3rd is when my dad gets sent off, so, fuck January 3rd. Money would be very nice that we're not exactly rich people and I hate having to ask my parents for large sums of money. Now. I can manage school and job, I'm almost positive. I already spend at most 2 hours on school work, and some days, I have nothing to do and I sit at home and want to kill myself because I'll never manage in college. Besides that, going to work for at least 3 or 4 hours everyday would be nice. It would be nice in both the sense of having some money and also in not making me want to kill myself because I have something to do.

It's a vice to mankind; to have an empty mind. I just lose it and over-think everything and then get paranoid and want to go away for a while from everything. But finding things to do is really hard, strange enough. I mean, sure, I find work to do outside and around the house for a little, but then it's back to sulking in my little chair pretending I amount to something. And I’d like to be a big ball of meat that bees can buzz around and eat when I die so that I may be granted one sense of purpose because I feel like I do nothing now. My mom's somewhat of a total twat when it comes to making me happy or keeping me happy, and my dad is really my only source of laughter in this house. But. Oh well. I'll at least have the car so if I want to go out and drive somewhere to die, I can.

If I do get a job though, I'm going to lose a lot of free time. And I want that free time for her, so, fuck.

And I started thinking about crying and falling apart at college and going outside at 2 in the morning breaking down..

Funny thing it happened at college.

And I really wish I fucking had money. Then I could pay for gas and I could pay for small things without worrying about spending all my money. I mean, I'm trying to save up for a Leica but they cost money and I only have about $1,000. I need at least twice or three times that amount. How. I'm not selling my guitar nor pedals, no fucking way. I could at least get $1,500 off my guitar, but my bond to it is too strong to sell it off.. same with my pedals; I have everything exactly where I wanted it to be since. Welp, I guess I can always hide my card so I can never use it in person or over the internet to buy things until I have my desired total. And, I thought Christmas money would help, but $50 isn't all to substantial. Regardless, it's going on there.

What else did I want to talk about...

I actually want to fall apart sometime. Just. Cry for hours.

I feel like I bring everyone down because of the way I think. I think that if I go away for a while, it'll allow people to feel better. I always fuck things up and I always make people doubt everything and it really sucks. Regardless of what everyone may say, I can't wait to go to college and not make any friends besides my roommate. I've had dreams where whoever the unfortunate roommate is gets to see me falling apart slowly. And he tries to stop and to help me but doesn't succeed. And then, God knows what. I actually do want to just go to my classes, study, do homework/whatever, go to sleep, repeat, visit my parents and old friends, and then go on to have a stable job as a single male with cats. I honestly don't see myself holding anyone of value close because I just make them go away anyway, so, why bother? Cats though, I really cannot wait to have a place of my own and own cats. Maybe New York. I could buy an apartment and live in New York so I don't have to worry about anything besides what's in my apartment. And I could have cats. And not give a shit what my mom has to say about them because my dad would come visit and play with them. Fuck.

I could stay alive for at least that to happen. And then commit suicide in my late 40's.

I'm honestly not even depressed or sad about this. I'm just thinking realistically, thus, pessimistically.

I want a really nice camera that I'll never have to upgrade besides lenses. And then, fuck, just die or something. I don't know.

My dad's friend gave us Irish Cream. I've drank about half the bottle. It's hard liqueur, and my grammar is still nearly flawless. Amen nationality.

Motivational Song

My mom will never be able to be happy for me that I'm happy.

But. Today was really, really, really pretty great c:

Flying Lotus

Today was just, really, really relaxing and great,
and I really love her~

Night on the Sun

I feel like writing more because as of this sentence, it's only 12:06 and Modest Mouse is the mood music of tonight so far so,

Ben's really adorable. I can fully respect guys who don't fit into that social image of a really attractive male with abs and a slender face and some cute role in a TV show or something like that, which in-turn has thousands and possibly millions of fangirls fantasizing of touching him with sexual intentions. While, yes, he has gotten much slender now, Ben will always touch me (ohoho gay) as possibly thee (thee, emphasis on the ee) cutest celebrity person ever, hands down. Put aside my Jonny Greenwood and Thom Yorke. I mean. Look at him.

He makes my emotions putty when I look at him, and that's not including his voice. And Death Cab has been on of the 3 Founding Cool Bands that Alex liked in his musical infancy days: Radiohead, Death Cab, and the Arctic Monkeys.

Oh, and being on the theme of music, go look up Isaac Brock. He's the lead singer of Modest Mouse and he's also another manly role model of mine, because Jonny is impossible.

I have money, but I don't know exactly how to use it just yet. I wanted to pick up a Peavy Vypr 30watt amplifier head now that I got ride of my Vox AC15c1 to Mrs. Schofield for $400, so, I have that $400 to spend. The Peavy's only $190. Or. I could try to look at something in the 200-$300 range but eh, I'll see. Then $600 (hopefully) for my Nikon and I can use that and whatever's left of the $400 for a nicer body, and then I forgot Christmas money, oh, oh okay~

So, that's all my life consists of. And, I really hope I can actually go talk to Mr. Lederman about my little psychiatrist problem, and hopefully it works out.

Goodnight/Have a nice day, everyone~

Positive/Negative

Ben Gibbard in his early days is a beautiful Ben Gibbard, and rocking a Gibson SG, probably late 80's or 90's model, because the new ones of today look gay.

Is it strange to say that I want a psychiatrist? I'd feel horrible approaching my parents with the prospect of getting me one, but it's teasing my mind somewhat. Someone that you have absolutely no ties to, at all, nothing known between the two of you and just openness? Of course it teases me dreadfully.

I could always go find those people in school who are apparently psychiatrists or, whatever they are, mental poops, or wanna be soul seekers who wish to fulfill themselves by working with America's youth. Do I feel sorry for them? Maybe. All I know, they sit in their little offices and do nothing to my contemporary knowledge; one of them located 2 doors down from Mr. Brown's glorified orchestra. I miss the class. The music, the layers, the harmonies, the dynamics, it all appeals to me greatly but, so does laziness. Pity. Yeah. I think I could try to talk to Mr. Lederman about it and try not to sound like I've gone off the bend or that I'm suicidal, because if they look at my record, I'm a clean student with no disciplinary issues and not even a tardy to a class, so they won't think I'm doing it to skip class, right? They won't think that I'm doing it for some loophole reach-around to the system.. I just want to talk to someone who doesn't know me and tell them exactly everything and at least see what they have to say about it, I mean, they did go through college for it, right? Take their advice. See how it goes. And if it goes swell-ly (what's the word for that?); I can go back, shake their hand, and thank them. That's all I want from it. Maybe I can wait till college and contract one myself without my mom or dad ever knowing. I don't want them to think that they grew me up wrong or something, because that's the last burden I want to put on them...

I don't want any of that medicine shit though. Simple human guidance and judgement.

Welp. Okay. I wrote this while listening to "Building Something out of Nothing" by Modest Mouse.