Lullabye for Insomniacs.

Well, I'm actually surprised by how long ago I last blogged, knowing me, I usually do it every other week. Nothing much has happened I guess, but since it's been a really derpy day, I guess I could see what I have to vent about.

Romania was full of meeting distant relatives who act more like a stranger in the park to you than an aunt or uncle or a close family friend should. A constant slew of 'compliments' also held to their shady visage. "Well you're a lot bigger than last time!" Or how could anyone forget the famous "Sorry that this shirt I got you 2 months ago for your birthday doesn't fit you D: " Go fuck yourself. Burn in the deepest fecal matter covered pit so that you choke to death from the burning methane and deprived of the oxygen you take for granted every day of your pathetic existence. I'm sorry, but I was an angry mess all trip. Two days though were pleasant; one, I got to longboard and fuck around on one of the main 4 lane roads that went parallel to the Danube River since they blocked off the two ends of it for repairs so the whole thing was shut down. It was really calming, and it wasn't humid at all like it is in Virginia, yeah, it was sunny and hot, but I could at least breath. When I went longboarding about 2 weeks ago, I struggled back home nauseous and dizzy, so, never trying that again in this heat. The second alright day was at a 'surprise' Bon Jovi concert, even though surprises are usually supposed to be pleasant.. The music sucked, but the girl I hooked up with was amazing. So. That took my night. Luckily the Marriott Hotel in Bucharest gives you a free box of condoms with every room purchase.

Uhmmm. I miss everyone. I miss school. School's fun for me, I love learning new things and meeting new people through that process, something not realized by many but how life is, you'll constantly be learning new things and constantly making friends who share common likes. And, that's something I really like. I made a few new friends on Tumblr and Facebook and well of course, in real life because of a show Jesse, Brandon and I played 2 days ago. It was really amazing, and not coming from a big ego standpoint, but I think we were the best there. No other band had mid-song cheering because of a change of tempo/style or moshing. So. Success :) Another show, and probably our last, will be on August 13th for Ryad's birthday, and I hope that by then I can get an extension cabinet for my tiny little 15watt Vox. Not that the AC15c1 is a bad amp, nonono, analog technology will always sound better than digital/hardstate, it's just that 15watts isn't enough, I bought it as a home practice amp, not a gigging amp... At least I have $300 in my account so I can by myself a present and hopefully cheer me up.

I feel really lonely though. I have the best bros a guy could ask for, really, and when I'm with them, I'm the happiest bro-saturated guy ever. Especially at shows, being there with those 2 and playing for a group of people; the adrenaline is amazing, it's a rush of testosterone, as a simple way of explaining it, and it's an estranged feeling for me because I'm always the modest dickhead in the back, but when I'm playing, it's something completely different. Besides Brandon and Jesse, I also have the other college freshman that I'll never forget, and I'm always talking to them, so, communication is key for personal relationships. But, I'm lonely in the sense of feeling loved. I really don't want to sound like the typical teenager whining on and on about how I haven't found my HERPDERPTRUELOVE but it's depriving morally.... These years are meant to date a lot of people generally, and to see what traits you want in thee one. But, I'm sort of a bad boyfriend from what I've shown in past relationships, and it's understandable, I don't want to blame anyone who's dated me because it's not their fault at all. I'd rather blame myself than come to the realization I've been used. I just miss the feeling of being wanted. As for Cassidy, I haven't talked to her since we broke up and honestly, I don't regret it at all. She's not the steady kind of girl..

Good music, good film, and good video games have made me happy so far. Like (and I hate to use that word), whenever I look at the title picture I posted for this entry, it makes me, strangely, happy and it's because that's Tera Melos, and they make amazing music, and they're happy guys, and it makes me happy. It's all very weird, but it works for me in the end and I guess that's the mystery of life.

I wish I went to Woodbridge, a lot of hipsters and cute girls.. But then I wouldn't have gotten to meet everyone I did here, and I wouldn't have the bonds I have with everyone now, so it's all a fair gamble. This has been a post.

Com Truise.

When I read back my blog, it sort of scares me, really. All it is is a wave of happiness and sadness, and it seems repetitive, but whatever I guess.

Seniors are gone. Forever. Never to see them around school. And it's really depressing to me. 70% of my friends consisted of Seniors, and a lot of them I just got close with this year, like Komal, Jesse, and Tahmeed, and it really is depressing me. There's always Facebook and Tumblr but it's not the same as seeing them almost everyday in school and hugging them knowing they're true friends who at least might truly care about me in terms of being significant to them. Bro-night sometime next weekend, and I'm going to drag people by the neck to come to it as one last night together. Two graduation parties last-weekend though, and those were awesome~

Aside from that, I'm lonely, and I miss that feeling of having someone to talk to literally all day that's interesting to some degree. And I miss cuddling, and holding hands, and cute little kisses, and all that bullshit, but it's not going to get to me again because of everything that happened. I can wait for college, no problem.

I really want to dedicate an unhealthy amount of time to longboarding this Summer, but shitty moods that are very frequent don't help at all.

There's no point in doing anything. I'm just a awkwardly fat, pathetic loser. I feel like I could sit in bed all Summer and no one would give a shit except my parents because no matter what I do, it's shite. I'll never be what I'd like to. I'll never accomplish what I'd like to. And the man who invented mirrors is overlord of self-hate.

Eh, here's to the Junior school year~

Codes and Keys.

Except she is a whore. And I'd argue that with you for eternity.

And now I feel shitty. Buthai, 2 new songs with the band, and successful fishing today. I cannot wait to block people after this year, there's tens of people that I'm going to miss incredibly much like Tahmeed, Jesse, Brandon, Michael, Allan, Drew, Kevin, Nicole, Thomas, Tim, Connor, Connor (yes, 2) Austin, Silvia, Komal (did I mention how all the bros acknowledge that she's truly beautiful?), Russell, Jacob, Marcella, Jordyn, Anthony (Forest Park bro), Kelsey, Samantha, and Sergio, but a handful of others that I can't wait to get away from~

Michicant

So, it's been improving, life and all. I ordered the $39 edition of Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver's) new album, Bon Iver, self-titled of course, which comes with a limited edition album LP and Calgary single LP, poster, and a t-shirt. I'm glad I pre-ordered it too, the album leaked online and it's beautiful, truly beautiful.

Above is my Radiohead Newspaper Album that came in not to long ago, and that was $50, but it's limited edition so nigga, I don't care~ That came with the CD, two clear 10" vinyls, the official Universal Sigh newspaper, and tiny artwork tablets. Radiohead is the best band, for me, ever. They're perfect. All their musical phases fit my taste, and they really have changed profusely since their first album, but I know I truly love them because I love everything they've released, no matter how dramatic the change.

And my new longboard is the sex.

And Shannon and Rindsey came over today for a little :3

Holocene

Today was a bad day in general, and I'm sorry about that.

Uhm, well, it being all wet outside, I can't go long-boarding to take my mind off things, my mom hides texts from my dad that confirm that I can drive alone, people are senseless, and I wore the best yellow flannel, basketball shorts, and flip-flops today, I wish I could wear this every day. Aside from that, I feel very lonely lately, pity, because I've been on a fairly good feel-good streak for a week or so.

Yesterday was nice. Bwandon, Jesse, Connor and I performed with the Symphonic Band last night playing one of our songs and the band incorporated, which, was pretty glorious. Afterwards, the four of us just went out to Subway till 10 and just talked and had a bro time. Bros are important, and I'm finding out more and more how important they are, hoes are a dime a dozen, but bros are forever. The drive there, I was in the truck with Jesse while Connor and Bwandon were in their own truck, and again, like after Indiefest, we just talked deeply about things, and, it was good, but it also put my mind back on things that I completely blocked out for a while, and, that sort of sucked, but I'm happier, and that's a lot to ask for. Kenya though, that Senior girl, before we got to school to set up and practice, Jesse picked me up to go to Connor's because Brandon was there teaching Connor the vocals, and Kenya was also there. I walked in with Jesse, and she was getting ready to leave, and all three of them were wishing her a happy birthday, and I just sat on the couch with a glass of raspberry Arizona minding my own business not saying a word to her, and later that night she adds me on Facebook? Bitch, I didn't even say hi or bye or happy birthday to you. Eh. I don't know why I'm fussing over it as much.

I was going to rant about something. But I forgot..

Yes. Seniors. And it always hold a strong topic in my mind. I'm fucking sad that they're leaving. All the amazing people I got to meet this year and all the amazing Seniors I got close to this year, I didn't make one single friend from the Junior class. Fuck the Junior class except the small number that I have as amazing friends in it, it's full of just, bad people that I would never even want as friends, they're all fucking idiots, immature uncultured idiots. It's soo fucking sad. The Seniors are leaving, and I have no one to talk to me about things that I like, no one's going to be there to talk to me about Radiohead or Death Cab or Stanley Kubrick movies or Wes Anderson movies or obscure British humour movies. And, not to sound like a dick, but I'm always the third hand when it comes to my friend groups as a Junior, the only contributions I always make are jokes, funny things, but no one fucking likes anything that I like, I'm just sitting there like a fuck listening to people talk about things they have in common the same way I talk to Seniors about stuff, and it's depressing. Really depressing. I don't want to feel lonely. And that's really the main reason I just leave at lunch and go sit with Tahmeed and Michael and Jesse. The conversations feature discussions, civilized opinionated arguments (hint; no one throws hissy fits if you bash something they like or believe in), and I'm sorry if this comes off as mean, but it's true. I don't want to sit there and listen and watch people be engaged in really, what I see them as, as interesting conversations between themselves, and I'm just sitting there, completely oblivious to what they're talking about. So, yeah. Today's a bad day.

For What Reason?

I think I've finally gotten to that point where I don't give a fuck anymore. And I couldn't be happier about that. And that's my dad, mom, and I in New York after the Romanian festival, and that's the placed order of my new long-board :)

All I keep reminding myself now is "You brought this on yourself." Brilliant lyrics for the moment.

Freak Love.

I've been doing really bad today, and I don't know why really. I feel really empty and lonely, and people trying to talk to me about it just makes me feel worse, but I want to talk about it, it's weird.

I fell asleep good in 7th today and had a dick drawn on my finger.

And it scares me that she doesn't care at all, that she probably didn't care nor want to get attached to me for a long time, that my best efforts were nothing to her. It's really shitty of a feeling, and I've never felt this was because I've never fallen for someone as hard as I fell for her, and I put everything including my feelings into us, just to have her say that she isn't trying to get attached.. It haunts me now, the whole "I'm trying not to get too attached to you" thing, it's really painful to think about, and I think it's in-part that I've never been in a relationship like the one with her, I was hopelessly in-love, and she was just playing with me.. To have all of this going through my head, I can't help but think of how shitty of a boyfriend I can be, if I can't make her happy. I don't know, I think I'm just lurking into thoughts now. It's all really scary. I'm sorry I wasted a little more than 2 months of your life, and I hope you can meet someone who'll make you much happier than I ever could have made you..