I'm going to have Tyler change my Tumblr password so I can't get on there again and I deactivated my Facebook and I'm a fucking wreck and I just want someone to cry on and take care of me but I'm just a sack of shit no one cares about

God fuck everything is so fucking hard. I never want someone to be that close to me ever again. I'm a fucking worthless human and I don't deserve shit from anyone.

Oh Messy Life

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is when I mature. 

I want to be able to be normal - as pretentious as that may come across. I'm a living sack shit. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. I can't even think back on thing because I get sad and stop talking to even my fucking roommate. I keep fucking myself over and that's something that I feel is wearing me down.

College isn't all that bad, however. I'm comfy with all the guys on my floor and a few others nearby; they're friends. I miss my actual friends though. Seeing everyone here in groups and hanging out and people talking to each other on Facebook and inside jokes and joking around together and going to shows and that. I can't even type out what I'm feeling and it's one of those nights. Everyone has a nice body and I'm the piece of shit with man boobs, a gut, and huge thighs. I don't know about anyone else but it's hard. It's hard to feel comfortable when you're surrounded by perfection. It's hard to not be able to go outside of my room without something over my t-shirt because I feel insecure about my upper body. It's hard to constantly be self conscious about my body when I'm in public. It's hard to have any self esteem in these circumstances. It's hard to find anything good in myself when I can't stop putting myself down and I just want to stop crying like a baby.

There's absolutely nothing good about me. I'm even getting a reputation for being an bitter asshole here; should I be okay with that? I feel like I am sometimes because people deserve it but it's hard to make friends when I can't find anyone who likes the same things as me. It fucking sucks to not be able to talk about good music and movies and guitar equipment with anyone here. It sucks to just have some sort of metaphorical mask all the time when I'm talking to other people. Everyone else is good at being attractive or playing music or being social and friendly and I'm good at not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like I want to take steps to bettering myself but I never do anything. 

Anyone can do better than me, so why do I even exist when there are just so many more better people around? Am I some kind of joke put on the Earth to live as a parasite? Everyone's just better than me in at least one way if not more. I'm not interesting. I'm not nice to look at. I'm not even second best to anything.

It's just hard to be alone is all, I guess.

The Bells.

Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me that it’s okay that I’m the way I am and that it’s normal at least to some extent. And I don’t go out in life seeking pity from people because I naturally push people away with my pessimism, but it’d just be nice for someone to say “I understand” and entirely understand, but that in itself is impossible because we’re all just humans.

And it just sucks that I live my life with some kind of constant hatred of an aspect of myself, may it be how much I over-think things, get paranoid, lonely, fat, disappointing, and just every shitty thing possible. I want to tell my mom to take me to someone to tell me if I have something wrong in my head because I’m afraid that it’ll be the only way I can stop being the way I am and start being a better person to the one in my life who deserves it the most. And I just feel useless and pathetic and a waste of an okay condition human body because I can’t let some things go, and I’m soo sensitive to everything. I always end up over-thinking it until I start freaking out and getting paranoid and crying all the fucking time and I really hate it, I honestly do because I don’t want to live my life like this. I mean honestly. I sat in bed for two hours this morning sobbing and then in the shower and then in the car because of Pedro the Lion’s The Bells, in which the character’s father says “I understand, son.”

College is going to be bad in some really key aspects of my life, and I’m just really afraid and lonely.

I just.. I really love her, a lot, and she's the first girl that I can say I'm actually in-love with, and that's a really great feeling~

Sense, Sensibility

I cut like a bitch. They're not even deep.

To Care (Like You)

I just want to zoom forward in life. I feel as if all of this pointless bickering is worthless. High-school's pathetic and I can't anymore. Well. I will go on regardless because well, yeah, but I can't stand being who I am. I hate everything and I like that because I don't feel as if I should stoop down to a level that I don't want to go down to. I just want to zoom forward and graduate and then zoom forward to my 4th year in college and start living then, that is, if I even make it that far.

This isn't an attention spam some type of 'herp derp gonna kill myself,' but thinking about it really scares me and I just don't really understand why. And, it's not as if I want to be like this for the rest of my life, and it's that which scares me...

But fuck do I have a good life so far. And I'm not taking things for granted, like her.

I just don't want to think badly of this whole schooling period of life. But it's hard. School work's not bad, I enjoy studying and doing homework to some extent, it's just life in-school's really bad sometimes but, here's to me complaining. I just wish I could stop complaining so much.

And I guess today's just a bad day? School got the best of me and that's frustrating, not necessarily that there are a ton of idiots alive, but that I let it get to me, you know? It's like a sense of disappointment in myself. And trying to do all of this AP Gov stuff and actually reading and studying the chapter like I haven't before; it's alright, but fuck it doesn't mix with my emotions today.. And that's why I'm afraid of college; it takes studying, yeah. But if I'm always pessimistic about life, then, where am I gonna get? I can't tell myself "it'll all be okay" because then I'd be lying to myself and that's the last thing I want to do to myself. And I have to write about The Importance of Being Earnest and it's not that I don't like the play or that I find it uninteresting, it's just that this mood ruins it all for me. I want to study and analyze and understand it all, but I feel like I can't, and it's depressing I guess.

I'd feel bad if I say 'fuck it' for today and stop working. Then I'd feel like every other idiot I make fun of.

What if electrical engineering is too much for me? What other major could I try to get in? Is there any kind of job that wouldn't require me to interact with idiots? I'd love that; some steady job that earns a pretty okay pay and isn't stressful.

Ugh. I want a kitty.

I never really re-read my posts for grammar errors. Fight me.

I've got piano

Sometimes, I lay awake thinking about the past and all the shitty things that happened, the way it all turned out and the way that things are now.

But. I have been debating the circumstance of getting a job. January 3rd is when my dad gets sent off, so, fuck January 3rd. Money would be very nice that we're not exactly rich people and I hate having to ask my parents for large sums of money. Now. I can manage school and job, I'm almost positive. I already spend at most 2 hours on school work, and some days, I have nothing to do and I sit at home and want to kill myself because I'll never manage in college. Besides that, going to work for at least 3 or 4 hours everyday would be nice. It would be nice in both the sense of having some money and also in not making me want to kill myself because I have something to do.

It's a vice to mankind; to have an empty mind. I just lose it and over-think everything and then get paranoid and want to go away for a while from everything. But finding things to do is really hard, strange enough. I mean, sure, I find work to do outside and around the house for a little, but then it's back to sulking in my little chair pretending I amount to something. And I’d like to be a big ball of meat that bees can buzz around and eat when I die so that I may be granted one sense of purpose because I feel like I do nothing now. My mom's somewhat of a total twat when it comes to making me happy or keeping me happy, and my dad is really my only source of laughter in this house. But. Oh well. I'll at least have the car so if I want to go out and drive somewhere to die, I can.

If I do get a job though, I'm going to lose a lot of free time. And I want that free time for her, so, fuck.

And I started thinking about crying and falling apart at college and going outside at 2 in the morning breaking down..

Funny thing it happened at college.

And I really wish I fucking had money. Then I could pay for gas and I could pay for small things without worrying about spending all my money. I mean, I'm trying to save up for a Leica but they cost money and I only have about $1,000. I need at least twice or three times that amount. How. I'm not selling my guitar nor pedals, no fucking way. I could at least get $1,500 off my guitar, but my bond to it is too strong to sell it off.. same with my pedals; I have everything exactly where I wanted it to be since. Welp, I guess I can always hide my card so I can never use it in person or over the internet to buy things until I have my desired total. And, I thought Christmas money would help, but $50 isn't all to substantial. Regardless, it's going on there.

What else did I want to talk about...

I actually want to fall apart sometime. Just. Cry for hours.

I feel like I bring everyone down because of the way I think. I think that if I go away for a while, it'll allow people to feel better. I always fuck things up and I always make people doubt everything and it really sucks. Regardless of what everyone may say, I can't wait to go to college and not make any friends besides my roommate. I've had dreams where whoever the unfortunate roommate is gets to see me falling apart slowly. And he tries to stop and to help me but doesn't succeed. And then, God knows what. I actually do want to just go to my classes, study, do homework/whatever, go to sleep, repeat, visit my parents and old friends, and then go on to have a stable job as a single male with cats. I honestly don't see myself holding anyone of value close because I just make them go away anyway, so, why bother? Cats though, I really cannot wait to have a place of my own and own cats. Maybe New York. I could buy an apartment and live in New York so I don't have to worry about anything besides what's in my apartment. And I could have cats. And not give a shit what my mom has to say about them because my dad would come visit and play with them. Fuck.

I could stay alive for at least that to happen. And then commit suicide in my late 40's.

I'm honestly not even depressed or sad about this. I'm just thinking realistically, thus, pessimistically.

I want a really nice camera that I'll never have to upgrade besides lenses. And then, fuck, just die or something. I don't know.

My dad's friend gave us Irish Cream. I've drank about half the bottle. It's hard liqueur, and my grammar is still nearly flawless. Amen nationality.