Sod In The Seed

She's mine again - my lovely kitten princess. I can't believe how happy I am.

The Holland Tunnel

I was going through my emails and deleting old ones so my inbox is at a comfortable 20 emails and I kept finding emails of pictures from my phone of you and the cats and I sort of saved them away in a folder. I miss the kittens. But hey, I'm glad the future has treated you better and, out of all honesty, when I think of you being happy by yourself or when you're with your friends or anyone else, I'm a little happy too because I think I know how much you deserve to be happy and finally get the attention you merit yourself. You were right, too. You will be the only person to love me as much as you did and I'm sort of at peace with that because you gave me what was possibly the best year of my life in terms of feeling like an okay person for once. You won't believe how great you'll feel when I'm just a memory and you have someone new to replace what I once was and I hope I built a foundation of stability for you so that you can really work on your new relationships. That sounded really fucking stupid actually - I'm horrible at explaining myself. Just focus on making good friends. Unlike me, you're a really beautiful and just sweet, humble, great person to be around. People like that in other people. I just want you to do 10x better than when we were dating. You deserve that much. I just need someone to slap me over the face.

I've liked this band for a little under a year now and I just looked up the lyrics not too long ago to one of my favourite songs by them and this song just does an excellent job of pinning this position I've been in for the last few months, so, if anyone's interested, ~~~~:

"Sleeping in is getting old so I'm lying down, continually unsure - keep wondering why I waste my time. I looked up now I'm out of touch with what I thought I once was. I'm standing now but I don't know how much trust I have in myself or anyone else. My hands are becoming too weak to hold onto my own head. I'm exhausted from telling myself that I really know nothing. What keeps me from leaving this room is the memories I have of the time that I sat here and held on to something I said - but I'm over it. What makes me feel so weak is my inability to walk out from under this fucking ceiling. No one knows why my head is numb; it's all a part of why I can't feel sad when I know that it's worth it - I'm done trying."

This is why I love small, twinkly emo bands.

Unluck

You know-- it was okay for a time up until my dad disowned me and now I really have no one to kind of fall back on. It was okay; it was bearable until then. God I need to find something else to do than to bitch here but I just have so much in me and I guess I just need someone to talk to. It just feels really wrong to talk to people about my problems and that's why I don't do it but I can't anymore, I just need to fucking move on with my pathetic satire of a life.

I find myself cuddling my little plush stuffed dog to be able to sleep and even avoiding sleep on bad nights because it just means over-thinking shitty things. Why am I such a fucking mess.

Life Instead of Sleep/Sleep Instead of Life

Crying sucks and it's for fucking babies. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost at everything but everything's this way because of my fuck ups so that's helping me cope with it mentally--I guess. I would go as far to say I don't want to live anymore but I need to wait for Halo 5 and 6 to come out. I guess I'm just stuck; I can't find happiness and I haven't found it since I got home from Mason nor do I believe I can find it again when I get back.

I feel like all I do is complain on here but I did have times when I was happy so: life. I'm not happy about my boatloads of friends nor can I be happy about me as a person nor can I at least be happy about college because I'm obviously a dumb piece of shit. What do I fucking have to look up to every night and every morning? Fucking nothing dude and it just takes a toll after a while I guess.

Superbowl Birthday Party

I sort of really want to be a stand up comedian. Nothing big like the ones on Netflix or Comedy Central but for something along the lines of local bars and little coffee shops whatever. I've been sitting here thinking of jokes and I've been going on a really good spree, all about my life. Jokes about my life. Like - it would really help me to be okay with how pathetic my social - or lack there of - life is and my general existence to my parents and peers and my educational feats and it would be totally okay with everyone to laugh at. You know? It's like a forced bad thing that's made good? Or okay? I don't know. College is off to a rough start (All I really failed was micro-econ but whatever and got a C in intro to engineering and then three B+'s) but I guess I need to tell myself it'll get better? My dad kind of disowned me and compared me to Tyler - who passed micro-econ with a D - and the daughter of this Romanian family who is in eleventh grade and is in really high level classes and how pathetic and lazy I am and then about how careful he and my mother need to be or else my mood thrown off but that's my fault and that's been my fault even in relationships so I don't exactly feel like telling him he's self centered if he thinks he ruins my moods when it's just a daily disappointment for me. I've been sitting in my room since I got home from college not really doing anything. Only in the past weeks have I not talked to anyone besides teammates when I'm playing Counter Strike and this past week not even talking to my parents. It's really fucked up to be compared to someone obviously better than you, no matter how, when you already have the shittiest self image. It's not their faults however in that my parents have no idea how bad I am in the head about some things (I kind of hope they don't at least). 

So what now? I'm not looking forward for second semester and if I get bad grades or fail a class again I guess I'll just hint to dropping out of at least changing my major? I kind of like the idea of being a history teacher - or a math teacher for that matter so high-school/middle-school kids can hate me everyday that they see me. I kind of want to try doing comedy at least once so I guess I have a goal this summer? Find some little place that hosts stuff like that and see how it goes for the hell of it. Being a UPS driver would also be sort of cool: you get to drive around and make people happy indirectly and I wouldn't be forced to talk to anyone, not to mention benefits? I kind of want to go check what their pay is. Oh and you get to drive a really big brown truck van thing. I'm back and they make about 70-75k a year with really great benefits. I have a fallback as of this early morning - now to handle being an embarrassment to my parents. I don't know, dude. I've been really lonely since the end of first semester. I mean, lonelier than all of high-school. At least there I got to see people. At college I get to see people I'm 'okay' with being around but I don't have any really great friends. My relationship with Tyler is more of 'efficiency,' if you get what I mean? When everything's fine, it's fine, but when it's not we just stay out of our ways and I really like that because I don't even talk to my parents about personal things but I guess it sucks not having anyone anymore, but that's my fault also so everything's my fault in the end. If I could just have some confidence and stability then I could probably be okay but so far, I'm okay with no one looking at me and cuddling my stuffed animal every-night and morning - it's not the same but at least I keep my head to myself instead of making other people unhappy and only making myself unhappy too. I'm talking a lot tonight. I guess it makes up for not talking to my parents or anyone really. 

I'm just no one. I have no one. I have nothing. I have material objects that I buy in hopes of making myself happy and it works for about a couple of days or something but that's it. You know? Like, I literally have nothing. I have no hopes for college after this first semester. I have no one to fall back on. I have no interest in putting effort into anything, especially after failure. I don't know. I'm okay with not having one or two really great friends over having a ton of 'friends' who don't really give a shit about me. I mean, sure, I wish I had close friends but keeping in contact with people is just really draining for me? Like, I don't know. 'opegerj 3q

fGJES
feofkoEFSJGS

gay. 

Terry vs. Tori

So as few may know, my mom and I frequently argue and then go days or weeks without talking and this is just really common.

Well, the placement of our recent argument came right before I was supposed to get my hair trimmed (December 18ish). It was really long to my new standards of ~long~ and I got really bored with it today so I took one of my mom's machine trimmer things and I took one big swipe right down the middle of my head. Looking back in the mirror, it was really one of those "well, I can't go back now." I think it may have been a number five or six head but my hair is really short now and it feels weird and I sort of regret the decision but it's not all that bad? I think I'm just going to let it grow out a little then go to a salon or something. I don't know at this point. I have some sort of "no one really cares either" mindset so it doesn't even really matter what it looks like; it's not like it's making me any happier so whatever works? Oh and:

I've just been staring at myself through the webcam and it was weird at first because I'm not used to having hair this short but it's fine? 

I've been getting better at not listening to sad music and sobbing every night. I saw Girl Scouts, Modern Baseball, Dikembe, and You Blew It! on the 30th and I was joking with Dikembe and You Blew It dudes the whole time and they were actually laughing really hard and I made buddies with them and the lead singer of Dikembe accepted me on Facebook because he remembered me and I got to sing right into Tanner's mic for their two last songs and after their set, Tanner put down his guitar and said "Come here buddy" and hugged me and thanked me for a really amazing show and I just. Wow. I may not have very good friends from around here except a handful but I can make friends with band dudes really easily. And I bought two Dikembe shirts. So that was my high point of the pre-New Years. 

I feel like a whiny teenager but I've actually been really lonely lately. Besides going to that show and going over to Jesse's for a few hours when he came back, I've been sitting at home playing video games and watching movies and I don't really know where my phone has been these past days nor has anyone texted me anyway. It actually isn't that bad if I didn't have to see/think about other people and their friend groups or multiple groups and people in relationships and that all. I mean. It's not all that bad, honestly. Games have been keeping me fairly busy and I've been sleeping and spending enough time in bed to be borderline depressed so. Mason's not really any better either. I've made friends, yeah, however none except for Helen are worth actually spending time with because they're all either boring or really two-faced. So. I'm okay with being alone for the duration of college. I'll have a car this summer and I'll be able to go to any shows I want and however many I want and I'll have classes to keep me busy and stuff so. I guess I've come to a point of acceptance with everything. I don't miss Tumblr. I'm honestly even debating deactivating my Facebook for a few months maybe - until the end of 2nd semester. I'm just going to start trying to do what I want to do and being selfish to achieve that as long as I'm not hurting any human being. I just wish I had money because that sometimes prove to be really great at pulling me out of bad swings. I want to try to get a job at Gamestop over the summer if I can schedule that with maybe two summer classes. Who knows - we'll see.