Librarians Kill For That Kind of Quiet

Scott from Dads IM'd me on Facebook tonight to tell me about his new pedals and then we talked about amps and then shows and vans and merch and now how Tanner (You Blew It!) wrote Medal of Honor about his ex breaking up with him on Christmas.

I wish I could have more things like these to make me content and happyish again. Any who. I guess I'm just going to soak this up for the next week or something until something else happens.

It's Fiction

Yay me I got an Ampeg B2 and Acoustic B410 for Christmas and that's them with my other two cuties; soon, I will have a wall of amplifiers.

Well. Ever since I sort of broke down really hard one right, specifically the night that I deleted my Tumblr. I'm not proud of it but I've been literally listening to Joie De Vivre and crying myself to sleep ever since I got back from Mason; I guess I couldn't really do it there given my living circumstances. I've just been having bad dreams on top of that fatigue of falling asleep that ends up either waking me up at night or scared or sulky in the morning and I feel bad for my parents because they have to deal with me being sad and quiet. Giving up on Tumblr was reassuringly easy and it's kind of okay really. Everything on that site lead me back to her one way or another and I couldn't do that anymore so. I can't believe how unbearably fucking unhappy I am and how much I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing with my life. I just want to lay down and die from embarrassment and jealousy and insecurity and loneliness and the sadness that is like having excess body oil on the forehead and back and chest. I'm not a poet by any means. I am a satire of myself.

I just wish I could sleep okay. I haven't really talked to anyone for days. I've just been leaving my phone on my desk this past week and nothing. I don't even understand why I'm getting an iPhone. I don't even talk to anyone. I haven't texted anyone these past two weeks besides asking Jesse if I could use his Netflix account. I bought myself a new game lastnight however so I've just been using that to occupy my mind I guess. I really want to cry again. I guess tonight's going to be the same as all.

Gordon Paul

I know this seems like absolutely nothing and it should really be nothing but I was watching this documentary which is in parts about World War 2  in the living room and my dad came in and asked if I wanted to play a game on the computer jokingly and I asked him why and he said because he wanted to watch Romanian TV and that he already saw these documentaries in Romanian with a rough translation of 'this monkey business' to relate to them. I just turned the TV, got my laptop, and I walked downstairs and he was asking if I wanted to watch it; he and my mother know very well how much I dislike Romanian programming so I don't know if he was still joking there or what but whatever. 

I've been in the basement watching Breaking Bad over again and my mother got home from work and went upstairs for half an hour before coming down to remind me to take my medication, not even hi because I'm back from college for the weekend and all so I've just been here by myself for a few hours now and I really hate sobbing like a little bitch but I can't help it. I guess I'm just really sensitive because I'm scared how I'm actually thinking about just shooting myself in the head with our Sig because it's right now here in the gun safe and hell I can't because I own all these nice things and I want to at least sell them off to people who I know will take care of them and be in good hands and I can't tonight or tomorrow because my parents are having this Romanian get together on Saturday and I don't really want to ruin that and I can't until I Skype with my grandparents again because I really miss them and I'm just so fucking sad and no one gives a fucking shit about me. I mean, people give a shit when I say or do something to provoke that temporary attention but I'm not significant to anyone. I'm not important to shit. I'm probably going to fail econ this semester so fuckadoodledoo and I'm going for an electrical engineering major but I'm kind of a semester close to a year behind everyone? And I saw Connor today with one of his frat friends and he just mean mugged me like the girls in Mean Girls do? Like. What did I even. Because Brandon told everyone I 'blew him off' because I slept all day? That's just on a different page but I haven't told anyone because I don't even like talking to people about my emotions. What am I even fucking doing? No one gives a fucking shit and I just want to sit in bed and not get up anymore. If I kill myself people will kind of be forced to think about me and that's not even what I want. I just don't feel special in any way. I'm not good at anything because someone will always do it better than me. I won't be missed significantly because shit happens and human nature helps people get over stuff like that. I wish I was better at explaining what all is going on in my head but I can't even do that much. 

I don't even have like... a friend group, to say? Like a group of people I can together with and be perfect comfortable with myself and have our own inside jokes and plans and stuff we want to do and it fucking sucks seeing people have that. Fuck it dude.

I just want a cat and shit apartment and job with UPS Delivery but I don't even know if I'll be able to go through realizing I'm a failure to get to that last ditch option. I'm just a disappointment to everyone one way or another.

I Will be Okay. Everything.

First off, I'd like to recommend that album up there and if you don't want to pay for it off of Deer Leap's Bandcamp, Mediafire blesses us all with free p2p filesharing - huzzah! I actually haven't check to make sure if it's the right download, but I only know of one Deer Leap + TWIABP split so it has to be it. It's really, truly beautiful - anything The World Is has released is a musical work of art as I find their style of music to be one of a kind.

As for the rest: college is bad but not as bad as anticipated in terms of workloads but that can always be because it's just Freshman year. I've heard pretty scary things about the upper level technical engineering courses, let alone upper level Calculus and Physics (I like capitalizing important things regardless of their importance to anyone else), but, I have extremely supportive parents so I'm fortunate for that. If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to try not to stress myself over it. I'm not saying this with implications that I do not want to put effort into my original field of study, no - I love the world of electrical engineering and I want to be a part of it as an individual who is specialized in the field, but, if it proves to be too much for my capabilities I'm not going to stress myself into doing what I'm not capable of is all.

My social life has deteriorated since high-school though, I'd like to say. I have made friends here, of course - I'm not some introvert, acute hikikomori and I like to think I'm easy to make friends with if you get past my pretentious, bitter asshole first appearance - but I'm not going out of my way anymore. I like to think that this is a good thing though; I'm not going to go out of my way for someone that I do not deem worth of my effort, you know? I don't go out of my way unless I feel it's worth it. I've tried twice, I must say, and I do not feel like trying again after two dead ends - so to say. As long as my head is kept occupied with something (in the future to be mathematics and general college work loads), I rather do not mind being alone in terms of companionship; it's just keeping myself busy that proves to be the hard part. I've found to be the same way like my dad in terms of keeping myself busy; I have no problem craving intimacy or a romantic interest as long as I have a project I'm working on or a good video game or just things to look forward to in general. When I start being mindless - so to say - is when I start thinking of things that have happened in the past that evoke back feelings of love, comfort, hurt, sadness, and instability. I'd like to try to avoid all of those, naturally, at least for now and for a very long time. I'm regretting my past relationship and I'm regretting last year and this year and all the time I put into things only to have had them end the way they did - but that's just called being a human, I guess. I feel different after that relationship. It was all new to me; to actually be truly loved by someone and to have lasted that long and I do feel confident in saying it has changed the way I think about things like that - I don't want someone being that close to me ever again. I'm not a reliable human and that's going to be it. I want to like myself more.