I'm going to have Tyler change my Tumblr password so I can't get on there again and I deactivated my Facebook and I'm a fucking wreck and I just want someone to cry on and take care of me but I'm just a sack of shit no one cares about

God fuck everything is so fucking hard. I never want someone to be that close to me ever again. I'm a fucking worthless human and I don't deserve shit from anyone.

Oh Messy Life

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is when I mature. 

I want to be able to be normal - as pretentious as that may come across. I'm a living sack shit. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. I can't even think back on thing because I get sad and stop talking to even my fucking roommate. I keep fucking myself over and that's something that I feel is wearing me down.

College isn't all that bad, however. I'm comfy with all the guys on my floor and a few others nearby; they're friends. I miss my actual friends though. Seeing everyone here in groups and hanging out and people talking to each other on Facebook and inside jokes and joking around together and going to shows and that. I can't even type out what I'm feeling and it's one of those nights. Everyone has a nice body and I'm the piece of shit with man boobs, a gut, and huge thighs. I don't know about anyone else but it's hard. It's hard to feel comfortable when you're surrounded by perfection. It's hard to not be able to go outside of my room without something over my t-shirt because I feel insecure about my upper body. It's hard to constantly be self conscious about my body when I'm in public. It's hard to have any self esteem in these circumstances. It's hard to find anything good in myself when I can't stop putting myself down and I just want to stop crying like a baby.

There's absolutely nothing good about me. I'm even getting a reputation for being an bitter asshole here; should I be okay with that? I feel like I am sometimes because people deserve it but it's hard to make friends when I can't find anyone who likes the same things as me. It fucking sucks to not be able to talk about good music and movies and guitar equipment with anyone here. It sucks to just have some sort of metaphorical mask all the time when I'm talking to other people. Everyone else is good at being attractive or playing music or being social and friendly and I'm good at not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like I want to take steps to bettering myself but I never do anything. 

Anyone can do better than me, so why do I even exist when there are just so many more better people around? Am I some kind of joke put on the Earth to live as a parasite? Everyone's just better than me in at least one way if not more. I'm not interesting. I'm not nice to look at. I'm not even second best to anything.

It's just hard to be alone is all, I guess.