Librarians Kill For That Kind of Quiet

Scott from Dads IM'd me on Facebook tonight to tell me about his new pedals and then we talked about amps and then shows and vans and merch and now how Tanner (You Blew It!) wrote Medal of Honor about his ex breaking up with him on Christmas.

I wish I could have more things like these to make me content and happyish again. Any who. I guess I'm just going to soak this up for the next week or something until something else happens.

It's Fiction

Yay me I got an Ampeg B2 and Acoustic B410 for Christmas and that's them with my other two cuties; soon, I will have a wall of amplifiers.

Well. Ever since I sort of broke down really hard one right, specifically the night that I deleted my Tumblr. I'm not proud of it but I've been literally listening to Joie De Vivre and crying myself to sleep ever since I got back from Mason; I guess I couldn't really do it there given my living circumstances. I've just been having bad dreams on top of that fatigue of falling asleep that ends up either waking me up at night or scared or sulky in the morning and I feel bad for my parents because they have to deal with me being sad and quiet. Giving up on Tumblr was reassuringly easy and it's kind of okay really. Everything on that site lead me back to her one way or another and I couldn't do that anymore so. I can't believe how unbearably fucking unhappy I am and how much I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing with my life. I just want to lay down and die from embarrassment and jealousy and insecurity and loneliness and the sadness that is like having excess body oil on the forehead and back and chest. I'm not a poet by any means. I am a satire of myself.

I just wish I could sleep okay. I haven't really talked to anyone for days. I've just been leaving my phone on my desk this past week and nothing. I don't even understand why I'm getting an iPhone. I don't even talk to anyone. I haven't texted anyone these past two weeks besides asking Jesse if I could use his Netflix account. I bought myself a new game lastnight however so I've just been using that to occupy my mind I guess. I really want to cry again. I guess tonight's going to be the same as all.

Gordon Paul

I know this seems like absolutely nothing and it should really be nothing but I was watching this documentary which is in parts about World War 2  in the living room and my dad came in and asked if I wanted to play a game on the computer jokingly and I asked him why and he said because he wanted to watch Romanian TV and that he already saw these documentaries in Romanian with a rough translation of 'this monkey business' to relate to them. I just turned the TV, got my laptop, and I walked downstairs and he was asking if I wanted to watch it; he and my mother know very well how much I dislike Romanian programming so I don't know if he was still joking there or what but whatever. 

I've been in the basement watching Breaking Bad over again and my mother got home from work and went upstairs for half an hour before coming down to remind me to take my medication, not even hi because I'm back from college for the weekend and all so I've just been here by myself for a few hours now and I really hate sobbing like a little bitch but I can't help it. I guess I'm just really sensitive because I'm scared how I'm actually thinking about just shooting myself in the head with our Sig because it's right now here in the gun safe and hell I can't because I own all these nice things and I want to at least sell them off to people who I know will take care of them and be in good hands and I can't tonight or tomorrow because my parents are having this Romanian get together on Saturday and I don't really want to ruin that and I can't until I Skype with my grandparents again because I really miss them and I'm just so fucking sad and no one gives a fucking shit about me. I mean, people give a shit when I say or do something to provoke that temporary attention but I'm not significant to anyone. I'm not important to shit. I'm probably going to fail econ this semester so fuckadoodledoo and I'm going for an electrical engineering major but I'm kind of a semester close to a year behind everyone? And I saw Connor today with one of his frat friends and he just mean mugged me like the girls in Mean Girls do? Like. What did I even. Because Brandon told everyone I 'blew him off' because I slept all day? That's just on a different page but I haven't told anyone because I don't even like talking to people about my emotions. What am I even fucking doing? No one gives a fucking shit and I just want to sit in bed and not get up anymore. If I kill myself people will kind of be forced to think about me and that's not even what I want. I just don't feel special in any way. I'm not good at anything because someone will always do it better than me. I won't be missed significantly because shit happens and human nature helps people get over stuff like that. I wish I was better at explaining what all is going on in my head but I can't even do that much. 

I don't even have like... a friend group, to say? Like a group of people I can together with and be perfect comfortable with myself and have our own inside jokes and plans and stuff we want to do and it fucking sucks seeing people have that. Fuck it dude.

I just want a cat and shit apartment and job with UPS Delivery but I don't even know if I'll be able to go through realizing I'm a failure to get to that last ditch option. I'm just a disappointment to everyone one way or another.

I Will be Okay. Everything.

First off, I'd like to recommend that album up there and if you don't want to pay for it off of Deer Leap's Bandcamp, Mediafire blesses us all with free p2p filesharing - huzzah! I actually haven't check to make sure if it's the right download, but I only know of one Deer Leap + TWIABP split so it has to be it. It's really, truly beautiful - anything The World Is has released is a musical work of art as I find their style of music to be one of a kind.

As for the rest: college is bad but not as bad as anticipated in terms of workloads but that can always be because it's just Freshman year. I've heard pretty scary things about the upper level technical engineering courses, let alone upper level Calculus and Physics (I like capitalizing important things regardless of their importance to anyone else), but, I have extremely supportive parents so I'm fortunate for that. If it doesn't work out, I'm not going to try not to stress myself over it. I'm not saying this with implications that I do not want to put effort into my original field of study, no - I love the world of electrical engineering and I want to be a part of it as an individual who is specialized in the field, but, if it proves to be too much for my capabilities I'm not going to stress myself into doing what I'm not capable of is all.

My social life has deteriorated since high-school though, I'd like to say. I have made friends here, of course - I'm not some introvert, acute hikikomori and I like to think I'm easy to make friends with if you get past my pretentious, bitter asshole first appearance - but I'm not going out of my way anymore. I like to think that this is a good thing though; I'm not going to go out of my way for someone that I do not deem worth of my effort, you know? I don't go out of my way unless I feel it's worth it. I've tried twice, I must say, and I do not feel like trying again after two dead ends - so to say. As long as my head is kept occupied with something (in the future to be mathematics and general college work loads), I rather do not mind being alone in terms of companionship; it's just keeping myself busy that proves to be the hard part. I've found to be the same way like my dad in terms of keeping myself busy; I have no problem craving intimacy or a romantic interest as long as I have a project I'm working on or a good video game or just things to look forward to in general. When I start being mindless - so to say - is when I start thinking of things that have happened in the past that evoke back feelings of love, comfort, hurt, sadness, and instability. I'd like to try to avoid all of those, naturally, at least for now and for a very long time. I'm regretting my past relationship and I'm regretting last year and this year and all the time I put into things only to have had them end the way they did - but that's just called being a human, I guess. I feel different after that relationship. It was all new to me; to actually be truly loved by someone and to have lasted that long and I do feel confident in saying it has changed the way I think about things like that - I don't want someone being that close to me ever again. I'm not a reliable human and that's going to be it. I want to like myself more.

I'm going to have Tyler change my Tumblr password so I can't get on there again and I deactivated my Facebook and I'm a fucking wreck and I just want someone to cry on and take care of me but I'm just a sack of shit no one cares about

God fuck everything is so fucking hard. I never want someone to be that close to me ever again. I'm a fucking worthless human and I don't deserve shit from anyone.

Oh Messy Life

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is when I mature. 

I want to be able to be normal - as pretentious as that may come across. I'm a living sack shit. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. I can't even think back on thing because I get sad and stop talking to even my fucking roommate. I keep fucking myself over and that's something that I feel is wearing me down.

College isn't all that bad, however. I'm comfy with all the guys on my floor and a few others nearby; they're friends. I miss my actual friends though. Seeing everyone here in groups and hanging out and people talking to each other on Facebook and inside jokes and joking around together and going to shows and that. I can't even type out what I'm feeling and it's one of those nights. Everyone has a nice body and I'm the piece of shit with man boobs, a gut, and huge thighs. I don't know about anyone else but it's hard. It's hard to feel comfortable when you're surrounded by perfection. It's hard to not be able to go outside of my room without something over my t-shirt because I feel insecure about my upper body. It's hard to constantly be self conscious about my body when I'm in public. It's hard to have any self esteem in these circumstances. It's hard to find anything good in myself when I can't stop putting myself down and I just want to stop crying like a baby.

There's absolutely nothing good about me. I'm even getting a reputation for being an bitter asshole here; should I be okay with that? I feel like I am sometimes because people deserve it but it's hard to make friends when I can't find anyone who likes the same things as me. It fucking sucks to not be able to talk about good music and movies and guitar equipment with anyone here. It sucks to just have some sort of metaphorical mask all the time when I'm talking to other people. Everyone else is good at being attractive or playing music or being social and friendly and I'm good at not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like I want to take steps to bettering myself but I never do anything. 

Anyone can do better than me, so why do I even exist when there are just so many more better people around? Am I some kind of joke put on the Earth to live as a parasite? Everyone's just better than me in at least one way if not more. I'm not interesting. I'm not nice to look at. I'm not even second best to anything.

It's just hard to be alone is all, I guess.

The Bells.

Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me that it’s okay that I’m the way I am and that it’s normal at least to some extent. And I don’t go out in life seeking pity from people because I naturally push people away with my pessimism, but it’d just be nice for someone to say “I understand” and entirely understand, but that in itself is impossible because we’re all just humans.

And it just sucks that I live my life with some kind of constant hatred of an aspect of myself, may it be how much I over-think things, get paranoid, lonely, fat, disappointing, and just every shitty thing possible. I want to tell my mom to take me to someone to tell me if I have something wrong in my head because I’m afraid that it’ll be the only way I can stop being the way I am and start being a better person to the one in my life who deserves it the most. And I just feel useless and pathetic and a waste of an okay condition human body because I can’t let some things go, and I’m soo sensitive to everything. I always end up over-thinking it until I start freaking out and getting paranoid and crying all the fucking time and I really hate it, I honestly do because I don’t want to live my life like this. I mean honestly. I sat in bed for two hours this morning sobbing and then in the shower and then in the car because of Pedro the Lion’s The Bells, in which the character’s father says “I understand, son.”

College is going to be bad in some really key aspects of my life, and I’m just really afraid and lonely.

I just.. I really love her, a lot, and she's the first girl that I can say I'm actually in-love with, and that's a really great feeling~

Sense, Sensibility

I cut like a bitch. They're not even deep.

To Care (Like You)

I just want to zoom forward in life. I feel as if all of this pointless bickering is worthless. High-school's pathetic and I can't anymore. Well. I will go on regardless because well, yeah, but I can't stand being who I am. I hate everything and I like that because I don't feel as if I should stoop down to a level that I don't want to go down to. I just want to zoom forward and graduate and then zoom forward to my 4th year in college and start living then, that is, if I even make it that far.

This isn't an attention spam some type of 'herp derp gonna kill myself,' but thinking about it really scares me and I just don't really understand why. And, it's not as if I want to be like this for the rest of my life, and it's that which scares me...

But fuck do I have a good life so far. And I'm not taking things for granted, like her.

I just don't want to think badly of this whole schooling period of life. But it's hard. School work's not bad, I enjoy studying and doing homework to some extent, it's just life in-school's really bad sometimes but, here's to me complaining. I just wish I could stop complaining so much.

And I guess today's just a bad day? School got the best of me and that's frustrating, not necessarily that there are a ton of idiots alive, but that I let it get to me, you know? It's like a sense of disappointment in myself. And trying to do all of this AP Gov stuff and actually reading and studying the chapter like I haven't before; it's alright, but fuck it doesn't mix with my emotions today.. And that's why I'm afraid of college; it takes studying, yeah. But if I'm always pessimistic about life, then, where am I gonna get? I can't tell myself "it'll all be okay" because then I'd be lying to myself and that's the last thing I want to do to myself. And I have to write about The Importance of Being Earnest and it's not that I don't like the play or that I find it uninteresting, it's just that this mood ruins it all for me. I want to study and analyze and understand it all, but I feel like I can't, and it's depressing I guess.

I'd feel bad if I say 'fuck it' for today and stop working. Then I'd feel like every other idiot I make fun of.

What if electrical engineering is too much for me? What other major could I try to get in? Is there any kind of job that wouldn't require me to interact with idiots? I'd love that; some steady job that earns a pretty okay pay and isn't stressful.

Ugh. I want a kitty.

I never really re-read my posts for grammar errors. Fight me.