Svefn-g-englar.

Longboard is really, really nice. I'd like over this summer, to further advance my skills in it, in the sense to learn how to push with my other foot for when my left foot gets tired of staying on the board, how to crouch down while bombing hills, speed pump, there's soo many things I want to learn.

My current longboard is in no condition for these more advanced things, just like management wanted it to be so I have to dish out another some $250 for a much nicer board or for a little more get what is probably the best on the market for cruising. I can't wait for my birthday... It'll either be one of those two, or one of those hipster Nikon/Canon cameras every pretentious hipster has and calls themselves photographers. It would be nice though, but not in the hipster sense, just a good camera for family things because the Caliga household has had a very long history of problems with cameras in the sense that we've never had a good one until now when I found a setting on our current one that works well, but it's far from acceptable. I don't know. This summer'll be nice actually, we're leaving to Romania for 2 weeks towards the end of June, which is nice since it'll be for a short amount of time, and I'm thinking of bringing my current longboard if we can fit it the board disassembled in the luggage. The trip is solely to be godparents for a very close family friend's newborn, we're going to go through the whole Church thing with the priest and the bowl of holy water and whatnot, it should be nice. After that, my parents are getting work done on their dentures (my parents lived during Communist rule when all the dentists were drunk and hygiene was almost nonexistent, I'm not joking), and while they're busy doing that, I'm going to be cruising along the Faleza, which is basically a massive boardwalk along a river, in the picture you can see the roadway and then there's a steep drop where there's a nice asphalt trail for people to walk along, admiring the European beauty, it's a beautiful little town, Galati. I hope the I don't die in the plane though.

Uhm. Dad's getting deployed in the start of my Senior year, and we're ending the topic at that. I'm getting his car though, so, I'll have a summer job that'll hopefully run into my Senior year's weekends, never-mind the freedom that I'll have with my license.

And I want to grow a beard, but you all already know this. Then I can be the cool guy who works at Jiffy Lube with beard and flannel, and the hipster with impeccable music taste, a beard, flannel, and who longboards. I want a chill life. Not that I don't want to try hard, but I want to have my relaxing points and I want them to dominate my life when I'm not busy. Stress can lead to very bad things, and I don't want that. I want people to like me, to feel comfortable when they're with me, or even if they see me. I like being friendly and humble, even though my social grace is.. lacking sometimes.

But. Overall now, life's good. I'm happier. I'm not worrying about her and us anymore. She moves on quickly though, and I'll drop it at that. Aside from the joys and happiness that planning ahead in my life brings, I feel really lonely now. I don't have anyone that talks to me all day, someone that says I love you and goodnight everynight, someone that's attracted to me in someway, someone that I can kiss and hold and cuddle with to cute movies, stuff like that, relationship stuff. I've gone a long time without it, and when it happens, it's all to brief, now look at mine, I'm literally craving it, but I can't have it, and I don't want to rush into anything, I'll wait, I've always waited for true love.

Right now I'm just hoping that college will be good for me, love wise. I don't see myself dating anyone in high-school, the Senior class is basically a top-mark for me, everyone in it is amazing, and that's not an overstatement, I don't see the kinds of people in the Senior class in my Junior class, they're all a lot more mature than the populace of the Junior class, fun to chill with, share music with, and to talk about life with, not that I don't have very close friends in my Junior class, because I do. It's just that I have a lot more closer friends as Seniors than I do as Juniors. It's all very sad, but I'll get through Senior year, and then I can go to college and, in my little fantasy space of a mind, meet some hipster girl who wears cute little floral blouses and dresses, listens to the kind of music I listen to so we can have never ending discussions about our favourite bands, who likes tea, who likes to cuddle to good movies, and who'll hopefully love and care about me as much as I'd love and care about her. It's all I could wish for right now.

The Ice is Getting Thiner.

Welp, I cried like a bitch last-night. I don't think I've ever cried harder. And I couldn't sleep either, so, I got 4 hours of sleep last-night, and 3 on Monday night..

Sometimes I'm really afraid that I have some kind of mental disorder, I was happy as hell, and it felt soo good, but with something that, apparently is normal, happening, it ruins my mood instantly. And I'm really scared. I don't want to be some deranged psychotic.

But, lets talk about it in hopes of easing everything, because writing usually helps. Yesterday was TMI Tuesday on Tumblr. And, Cassidy kept answering these sexual questions, and, that first struck me in the sense of it's scary how open she's being about her personal life to complete strangers, and it's really scary to me, but, it didn't bother me that much, we were still talked on Facebook through all that, she apologized for the asks, and I went to go take a shower. When I come back, I scroll down my dashboard used all the evidence to conclude what happened; First off, someone apparently asked Tommy (Cassidy's ex) what his best fuck was, to which he replied in detail of. After that, Cassidy apparently messaged him on Tumblr that someone asked her the same thing, and she thought of that day too, Tommy replying something along the lines of 'good times.' Through everyone I've talked to about it, it seems normal to them, but I'm fucking loosing my mind over it. How is it normal to reminisce about your favourite fuck with a now ex boyfriend? And I'm alone in it, I'm the only one who feels this way, and it's a fucking lonely feeling. Why do you still think about it? Why would you even bring it up, besides the fact that an anon asked, why would you message him about it? It's tearing me apart, really, and I can't handle it, nor can I get over it, and I'm afraid I never will. I texted her how I feel about it all and, it's all my fault. That's the way she is. And then she calls it me being a protective boyfriend, which is good? How the fuck am I being protective if I'm crying at the though of it? And then she said to think whatever I want to about it, yet she still wants ~us~ to be ok? So, you're going to completely ignore my feelings about it, not apologize in anyway about the Tommy thing, still make it seem like it's normal, and expect us to be ok? I don't know how I feel about this, at all. It's normal. And I'm nothing.

I'm a bad person for feeling this way if no one else agrees with me that it's not normal to post stuff like that while you're in a relationship. I'm alone in it all, and there's nothing that I can do to change it. I can't tell myself that it's normal, and I should get over it.

And I feel completely worthless in her eyes. I really am just a toy for her, and she's just using me for her physical pleasure, and that's just fucked up. What's a relationship if there's no emotion? I don't want to just have a fuck buddy, I want someone to love, even if it's for the short amount of time we have. We knew it would end, and you said it didn't matter how long we have, that it wouldn't matter. And I basically gave you my heart, I tried my best, and it's apparently not good enough for you if you come to me saying you're not trying to get attached to me because you don't want the break-up to be bad? Complete mind-fuck. Completely contrary to what we talked about at the beginning of our relationship, and then you just shatter it all. Ever since she said that, we haven't been the same. The ups and downs of a normal relationship are much steeper.

Shannon. I love you.

And Komal and Michael too, you guys are all amazing

<3

It's all over. I stood up for myself.

House of Cards.

I really wish I could have more happy posts.

Things are looking up though I guess. We're all over our problems. She apologized. Soooo. Yeah. But. I'm still over-analyzing things, and since you're reading this, might as well. One aspect is still different, we don't have those cute, deep, loving talks anymore, the ones where you remind each-other how much you mean for one another, I've tried but she just cut it off, I guess. And, what if she's still dating me not because she wants to, but because it would be awkward if we broke up? What if it's that prom shit? I'm always going to find bullshit like this to ruin my mood. I hate myself. No matter what anyone else will try to say to comfort me, I'll always hate myself, we'll always hate ourselves someway or another, some reasons more defined than others.

At this current state, my uhm, 'prognosis' is that she's just using me as of now, physically, and, as a guy who doesn't like to be played into stereotypes, I'm not in it for the physical aspect, it's fulfilling yes, but I ~need~ that emotional connection, and I feel that we're lacking that now. I was actually really proud of myself yesterday; we hung out at my house and of course, got to a point where we're both really horny, and, how to put this without sounding weird and really gross, I ate her out to the point where she had an orgasm (or I think, it's hard to tell with girls but I could tell she was reeeally into it, and was really tired afterwards) but it was all about her that day really, in other words, not that much focus on le dick~ and I'm proud of that, really proud of that. She even asked later that evening if I wanted her to do something to me but I refused. I don't know dude. I felt really good, but, hopefully we'll get to the point where we can establish that emotional connection again, even though our time's running thin..

I really wish she never said that she's trying not to get emotionally attached to me, even though she apologized for that and even cried about it, all of my blames fall on that statement now, and it's really draining.. I wish it isn't true, why can't she be like me and not give a fuck about the moment we break up? I want to make the best of our time, and we got in this relationship because we made each-other happy, and, if you're trying to, essentially, block me out, what's the point, my dear?

Goodnight, and fuck you Ms. Link.

And I can't sleep..

~I really can't sleep, and you're probably already asleep but,

I just feel like your using me, I just don't feel that emotional bridge from you anymore, as if I'm worthless to you, please tell me that I'm wrong and that I'm just over analyzing everything..~

that text has been hovering in my messages waiting for a send for half an hour now.. I'm afraid to send it though, what if something happens to us? What if she breaks up with me? I'm soo scared and pointless in this world.. Fuck. I think I might send it.. I don't want us to end, I just want her to care the same she did when we started dating..

High Times.

Here's Alex again, and his herpderp emotional breakdowns. I don't even wan to talk about it though. I feel like dying, I'm sad, I've cried for the past hour about the same thing, and I'm worthless, I don't matter to her, I'm nothing to her, my feelings don't mean a thing, all of my efforts in this relationship have only come to her telling me she's trying not to get attached to me. I don't know anymore. She can go to prom with someone else, that's actually a really big fear of mine, what if she's still with me because she already got her dress? I wish I wouldn't go through this.. It starts making me believe that I deserve all of this.

I'm feel soo lonely..

Army Corps of Architects.

Hey look! It's the Eagle Nebula! Fuck yeah! Nebulas and shit! Actually quite interesting, all of that is dust in space, and it creates stars, which creates solar systems. I dunno. It's also portrayed as the "There is no image macro for what I am feeling," because there really isn't right now.

Today was good though. Brandon called me up at 10 in the morning asking if I could hang out with him since Jesse and his parents are out until Tuesday, so, he has the whole house to himself. I got there, and we just had a really, really, reeeally chill time together, he's almost a different person when he's with only one other, like, him and Jesse compared to him by himself. We got to bond a little more today, and it was nice. We also started talking about Cassidy, and I got his advice on what to do, and it feels good to have people help you through things like this, it makes you feel soo less alone in this world. Uhm yeah, towards the end we went outside in his backyard and just layed down on his patio talking about how we wished we could grab the sky and pull ourselves up to it. But good, 10-4o'clock hangout. After that, I got home and I messed around with this free 'broken' micro Korg a friend gave me, and it works fucking perfectly for something allegedly broken, I even ran it through my $1,000+ pedalboard for even more awesomeness, and then at 5 I went off to Cassidy's.

We hung out at her house, and it was actually nice. I came in, said hi to her really nice parents, and then we went downstairs to watch some TV, which, went better than expected. At first we sat on the couch, and she just layed down and put her feet in my lap, if you get the picture, then I moved to the floor because I found pillows and I was sleepy, and I thought I'd try it, so I told her to come down and cuddle with me, and wow, she did :) Then we just cuddled on the floor for a little, and then we went off to diner. Diner was nice. That is all. Then she took me home because she had to pack. Here's where the fun starts. We got to my house, and she asked me if we were ok, as a couple. And I told her that I think we are, I want us to be. Then I just told her everything, that I feel unfulfilled, that it's a really one sided relationship, how she treats me, and everything, and she broke down, and I felt horrible. She started crying, saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again, and how she's sorry for being a bad girlfriend, and I tried to comfort her, I really didn't even care about anything else, but to have a girl actually cry on my shoulder, it's wow.. I felt really bad though because she was crying all because of me.. Ugh. Then it just went to how she was sad because she couldn't make me happy.. And that's where I kinda felt cry-y, but I didn't, I just held her really tightly and whispered to her that everything was going to be ok, how I still loved her, and how I still cared about her, and then she told me that she still cared about me too and that she was soo sorry and how she just needs time now. Tonight was really emotionally draining. Now, having her know everything and seeing how she responded to it all, I want her really badly, I want to hold her, to call her my girlfriend again. And, I can't help but worry that she'll break up with me, and really, I'm really afraid of that now, because I still want to be with her. It's exactly what Jesse told me, 'they'll reject you, but you'll only want them even more.' I really hope she gets better, but I'm going to give her time and space until she feels ready to talk to me again. I hope we turn out ok in the end, and that we're still together, because she makes me happy, and I truly care about her, and, yeah, I want to be with her, and I really hope she feels the same.

Oh, and I learned how to play and sing Skinny Love by Bon Iver. And I'm hanging out with Tyler tomorrow because he wanted to when I told him all of this, and, he's awesome <3

So. I guess an amazing weekend in the end.

Passenger Seat.

I would use a picture from Indiefest, but no one has uploaded anything yet.

But yeah, Indiefest was awesome. All the people, the bands, the music, the equipment, it was amazing. I would twaddle on longer around it (did you know twaddle doesn't get the little red lines below it?) but words cannot express the emotions going through one when playing live for a group of people.

Things with Cassidy are the still the same. I talked to Komal about it, and she helped, she's been through a lot of things, so, thank you Komal <3 (even though you can't see this). And after we packed everything from Indiefest and drove off (Brandon was in a different car so it was just me and Jesse), I really got to talk to Jesse on a deeper level, which was really nice. We also talked about my situation with Cassidy, and that also helped because he's been through a lot too, there comes a time when you just gotta do whatcha gotta do. Plans are that I'm going to give it another week or two, and if we're still talking like casual friends, I'm done. It's a fucking ~horrible~ feeling to actually know that hey, you're putting all of your heart into it, only to be greeted by nothing. Stress on how she's trying 'not to get too attached to me.' Well fuck. We shouldn't have even dated. Why even be together if you're purposely trying not to get attached to me? I poured my heart out to you, and, well, paranoia was right for once, I do care more than you, your love is not the same as it seems inside my brain. But. Tomorrow I'm going over her house, and I'm just going to confront her about it, talking to Komal and Jesse really made me feel like I'm not the only one, and that it's really whatever. So. We'll see how that goes. She came to Indiefest though to see us play, and when I personally opened the door for her and greeted her, she made it seem like I'm a creeper. Then I hugged her, told her that I missed her (it's funny cause I really meant it) and and tried to kiss her, which just felt more like it was me trying to force a kiss on her.. Ohwell I guess. I'm just shit to you. Then we really didn't talk until we played, and afterwards she came to me to tell me she was going to leave, which was weird because she actually tried to kiss me before she left, but I just leaned away from it to make it as little contact as possible. You can't do one thing only to follow it with the opposite. And now here I am, only depressing myself even further.

I feel like it'll never be the same, really. It's going to be like this until we break up, which I'm starting not to even care when it gets to the point when I'm putting everything into only to be received the way she treats ~us~ with a casual friendship. She's not going to change. All my efforts are for nothing. I deserve this. I drove myself right into it. As much as I don't even want to go any further, to try to fix things, I just really hope everything could go back to the normal, cute, loving couple we were. I know that we talked and said everything would be fine from now on, and I tried the day after, I called you dear, darling, sweetie, and I complimented you on how beautiful you looked in the pictures, and I tried all day, but God, do not expect me to keep trying. Now I'm at the point;

"but yeah, the only thing i can tell you at this point is. try to close yourself off like she is doing. i'm sure she's hurting, too (or at least, i have enough faith in her to have such emotions).

if you're prepared, then maybe it won't hurt as much.

but i am sorry to say that this is kind of inevitable. /:"

~Komal

And I'll do just that. I wish everything could get better, and I'll keep my optimism up for 2 more weeks, but it's just tearing at me, it's degrading, and I really hope you knew how hard I'm fighting this losing battle..

Jesse really understood. And I found out we both were really the same in the sense that we over-analyze things. He also helped me incredibly much with the 'not getting attached when I'm just loving her more' because he's also been through it, it's comforting to talk to people who know what I mean, who have been through the same emotions that I have. Shannon, I don't mean this in the sense that you didn't help, because you couldn't imagine how good just letting me vent to you is, so please, don't take this the wrong way? I love you~

Just the thought gives me the creeps.

I'm not her dearie, or darling, or sweetheart anymore, and she never missed me. And really. I'm done. I'm just done. Why try anymore? It's sort of like a feeling of failing, of not feeling accomplished, not feeling fulfilled. And it's really degrading. It's tearing me apart. She doesn't love me, but I still love her. Why can't she at least play me for these last few months we have together? At least pretend that she cares about me, pretend like we're a happy couple, I'd rather have that than this..

I have, since the start of this relationship, put soo much into us, that I'm for once proud of myself. I have thrown my heart, all of my emotions into it, do I really deserve this? After being the best boyfriend that I have ever been compared to my past girlfriends, am I the wronged one? Do I deserve this? I don't know what else to say. It's just soo unsatisfying, being cute and loving to her, only to have her talk to me like a casual friend. And we fucking talked about it too, I fucking took the blame for fucking every thing, 'it was all my fucking fault, I'm sorry,' and you said that we were fine now.. I'm not happy. At all. And, I'm still find myself trying. I'm still putting everything into it, and I really wish that you would too..

She doesn't care as much as I do, and I'm really afraid that it'll be that way until we break up for college.. I want to cry. Crying making everything better for the time being, it's emotionally relaxing. I feel soo lonely, soo sad, soo fucking worthless, I'm nothing. I've waited for love, I waited for someone like you for such a long time, and here you come, and.. I still feel worthless, no matter what anyone tells me, if I can't make you happy, if we can't be a couple in a loving relationship, then what's the fucking point of it all? You made me incredibly happy when you actually cared, true love truly does wait, but now..

It's too far to say I want to just lay down and die, but it's like that sort of feeling.

Go Slowly.

It's not the same anymore. Ever since Sunday, it's not the same..

No matter how happy I may get, I always end up thinking about everything and then I just get depressed again. It's not the same. It doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to. It's as if there's a constant lump in the back of your tongue and it's a constant neusance.

I don't know. I don't want us to end, and I'd do anything to make it all better, but I don't know what that is. It's all my fault. I'm the idiot in all of this. And she really doesn't care about me as much as I thought. I really wish I could disappear right now, not even in the teenage angsty way, just go far away so that all this could boil over and never be thought about again, that it all goes back to the way it used to be, and see if anyone actually missed me, including her. They won't.

Fuck, I'm sorry about being soo whiny. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling all of this, but it bothers me that it doesn't feel comfortable anymore, and yet I still find myself putting on a smile for you, because if I don't, you still never ask 'what's wrong?'

Hopefully tonight I can go to sleep without crying myself to sleep for the third time in a row~

Everything is.

Joy in the small things of life, if one of those small things is tea with marshmallows and downloading more music for my ever soo expansive library, music always makes me happy. I wish I had tiny little peach colored headphones so I could listen to music in class, I'd be much more happy.

Aside from that, coping. I really wish I could be happier when I talk to you, but it's still in the back of my mind, and that's going to take a while to get out, I don't even know if I want to do anything else besides talk to you online and in-person at school, and darling you should know that I have fantasies about being alone sometimes, and when I want to be alone, I still talk to you, because I don't want you to think something's wrong, nothing of significance is wrong, only me, but I'm nothing in comparison to you, keeping you happy is my main goal right now, and I'll put myself second to you.

Ferris Wheel on Fire.

Biggest fucking scare of my life. And I still can't get over it fully. The condom didn't break, I took it off and blew it in a balloon, and it was fine. Now we're hoping and waiting sort of, or at least I am, I can't keep bringing it up to her how I'm losing my fucking mind, she was equally as scared, but she's doing an amazing job at coping right now, and I guess it's because it was just the lube and her wetness..

Something that has actually gotten to bother me. Topless Tuesday. Cassidy apparently already took hers, and she was going to post it. Is it wrong for me to get partially mad at this? It's like jealousy of no one, I don't want her to.. She said she feels weird posting it because a lot of people follow her from school but, is that really the only reason you aren't posting it? Is it wrong to feel this way? I mean, I don't want her to just post herself on Tumblr, I want her to be mine, and it scares me that sometime she's going to be someone else's.. Well fuck, now it's a going away to college vent.. Fuck my fucking emotional status and all this fucking bullshit that constantly clouds my mind, why can't I fucking not worry about all of this shit and just be happy.. No even wants to hear it and I feel like utter shit and I'm crying now. I'm going off to bed now so I can cry in a warm bed. It's really fascinating how I drive a happy life around other people, and constantly be happy, but when I'm alone, I lose it. And I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I just feel like I'm bothering them regardless, so all this magic just stays bottled up in me until I'm too full one day and that's my 'fuck everything and go cry to American Football, Radiohead, Death Cab for Cutie and other good music and tell my parents that I'm just really tired' days. They're really good, relieving days actually. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me, I worry about all the things I shouldn't, I get jealous a lot, I constantly say I'm sorry even when it's your fault because I don't give a shit about my ego when it comes to us, I get paranoid, I cry to myself without telling you, I say everything's fine when it's not because we can't talk about it now, I never remember that I mean something after you say 'You mean soo much to me, don't forget that,' and I still think you don't care as much as I do, and that you don't really mean it when you say 'I love you,' and that I matter to anyone, and that I'd rather disappear completely and never be found while I sail to the moon in a row boat, and I'm just a bad person to fall in-love with.. I'm crying now. I want to cry on someone though, I'm sick of doing it alone.

I'm sorry, tonight's a highlighted bad night, I really needed to get this out for a while now..

Goodnight~

Low Shoulder.

When in a relationship as amazing as I'm in right now, is it wrong to still feel inadequate, and lonely, and as if she doesn't care as much as I think? I feel soo bad for thinking this but I can't help it. Well, back to finishing a long Chapter 7 of The Great Gatsby and not sleeping~

Walking the Dog, Part II.

Sometimes I feel like you don't care about what I have to say. I don't know if it's just me, but it's always a "oh, cool!" It's never a matter of digging deeper into it, just like dusting one layer of dirty from an archeological site, but not finishing the job. On another hand, I feel like I talk to much about myself, so, it really out weighs itself, but I still feel empty. I don't know. I could be wrong and just studying a single case of it happening. I always ask you about what your doing, constantly engaging in conversation about what you're doing, asking questions, how it's going, stuff like that. I hope I'm wrong. Aside from feeling like no one cares about what I do and not feeling comfortable talking about what I'm doing, everything's ok. Yeah.

I just really wish this would stop bothering me as much as it is right now.

Another worry that's been creeping on my lately is, what if you love is not that same as it is in my brain? Yeah, song lyrics, but I like to over-analyze. What if we're on different levels of love? Like, what if I care more and I put out more, but that only in-turn makes you feel uncomfortable because you aren't, I guess, that high up as me? What if you don't care as much as I think you do? It's a weird feeling. Like. I want to just pour my heart out to you sometimes, but I feel like I'm a needy boyfriend who complains about his feelings, and, I don't want that. But I get sad a lot for no reason. I over-analyze the smallest things, and that just makes me sad, and, well shit I don't want to feel sad when I'm talking to you because I feel like I'm bringing you down, I'd rather live in a cave than make you sad.

I'll probably just update this later-tonight. Or not. That would be better for me.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Sometimes I feel like nothing. I'm just ~there~