Yonkers.

Lastnight was scary, but I did it. And it worked:)

We got Moe's, talk there for a bit, then she took me home. Now the lulz ensue; while she was walking me to my door, I kinda dropped my drink out of nervousness :l which was kinda embarrassing. But then I asked her out. And. It was weird. Like. It was never a straightforward yes, because we need to talk about how it's going to work out since she's going to college so.. I guess that's the only meh part :l But. I felt soo good when she said 'I like you... and we'll work it out together because I don't want you to go with another girl' (something along those lines, I was too nervous to concentrate, but, I really felt like... loved:3). And then we kissed, and that was euphoric, even though I was in shock because I didn't expect it, so, my kiss was uh.. 'lacking in quality.' Later she called me to apologize and basically tell me she does actually wants us to date, since the conversation was all over the place after I asked her out

Shannon and Catie. I want to thank you dearly for listening and caring, I really doubt you'll ever imagine how much that means to me <3

The King of Limbs.

I want to start off by saying I'm happy. And, not that momentary funny joke happy, like, my soul is happy, if that's not weird? The new Radiohead album is amazing. And so is she.

But the first half of today was amazing. We spent about 5 hours at my house (she came over earlier) just ether watching anime or funny videos on Youtube. Highlight was when I used used the good ol' "If you were a pirate, would you have your parrot sit on this shoulder, or this one?" Shit was cash. And comfortable:3

Kinetic.

I guess you could say it's looking up.

First of all, I'd like to talk about the.... NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUMM. HOOOLYSHITTITT. FUCK. YES. pre-ordered the $48 version with 2 vinyls, 600+ pieces of artwork, and the CD. OH. and free album download online on Saturday. :3

Do you know what else is happening on Saturday? Cassidy is (might, hopefully better be) coming over. And no one's home till 5, unless my mom comes home early, then we're fucked. But. A house alone with her? Ohmy~ And not even in the sexual way, as in, I get to be with be her, and I've found that to be amazing. I think I'm going to retract some of what I said in my last post, because I just may be in love. We hung out on Valentine's Day for 2 hours at Starbucks, and we had an amazing time together, just talking about nothing. We're probably going to watch a movie or something, depending on how early she comes over. But. I'm excited, and I've gotta say, I've never been in this good of a mood in a terribly long time.

Cornerstone.

I guess things are alright now. I cried a fuck of a lot yesterday night, and a little bit this morning, but I'm over it for the most part. I mean. It can't be repaired or undone, but I'm getting over it, and happiness really is your best friend. I really wish I could just forget this, but it isn't something easily done at all. It's like something that will lurk on my mind for a long time. What I'm more worried about is if this will affect me emotionally on a long term, because I've already been in shallow water but this, this is just going to send me deeper. I'm afraid that it'll change how some people look at me. I'm afraid that I'm going to just hit rock bottom. I really don't want to live this way, for the most part. And sulking leads to depression. But I'm too good for depression, well, I hope I am. Because, depression is just.. really depressive, not wanting to even get out of bed. I mean. I get out of bed because I want to go to college so I can get a job and a car and a house and if it's not asking for too much, an amazing wife and kids. I want to keep trying to move on, but it's just soo hard right now. I'm just babbling on now, I'm sorry.

I don't think anything's going to happen between Cassidy and me. I mean. Even if she tries, I can't handle a relationship, and my past ones have shown that well enough. She's a beautiful girl, and I can't get it out of my mind that she could do 10 times better than me, she deserves some guy with a nice body, a guy that's good at something, a guy that's emotionally stable, a guy that's interesting, a guy that's perfect, because she deserves just that. I'm just a sad sappy sucker (Modest Mouse reference anyone?), and that low self esteem will just drive me down like it did with Logan. I can't be with a girl that beautiful, because as humans, we accept the love that we think we deserve. And. I'd feel bad if she wants to try to go somewhere with me, I'd feel horrible for her, I'd feel worse for her than I feel for myself right now, because she's better than me, she holds more emotional value than I hold for myself. If you understand what I'm trying to say? If not. I'm sorry, because I can't simplify that.

I don't wanna cry again. So. Goodnight~

No Joy in Mudville.

Well. Today started out good. I got out early from school at 12:15, which, let me say, was awesome. Drove to Jesse's, packed, drove over to Washington. The studio was beautiful. Every aspect of it's technological genius was beautiful. The mixer was massive, computers screens were massive, mics everywhere, it's was beautiful. We set everything up; drums and bass went first. They got through 3 of the 4 songs, and then Cassidy and Beatrice got there. So. I went up to my own little room with a $4,000 amp, $2,000 worth in pedals, and soundproofing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't play. And everyone could hear me. I played something, and then I fucked up. So. Brandon ended up playing the first song. Alright. I went in for the second song, and again, I couldn't do it... Was it the pressure? Anxiety? Do I just blow? I don't even know, but I can tell you I've never felt like worse shit in my life. It's that feeling that you're worthless, and not even in the teenage angst type, just worthless at everything..

So. Brandon ended up playing that song too. I was in the booth with Cassidy, Jesse, Beatrice, and the recording guys just listening to Brandon just thinking how fucking pathetic I am.. And. I could swear that's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Cassidy and Beatrice left to get food. And. This was actually really nice. But. 2 minutes after they left, I get a text from Cassidy; "Please don't feel sad, you were cuter than Brandon (:" And. I just. I felt soo much better. Like. I don't even know how it was possible. From shit, to a genuine smile. I ended up staying in the control room a little longer, and then I just started walking around DC. I couldn't like. Be in there anymore. The walk gave me time to think, which was nice. But I was a hungry hungry hippo. So I went to McDonalds for the first time in 8 years, and guess who shows up? Cassidy and Beatrice. So alright, order, then we all go sit down and really, talked about nothing, which was fun. We went back to the studio where again, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I just sat outside sobbing.

I've never cried that way since 9th grade.

But. I made two brofriends today. Brandon and Jesse really. Really helped me through, like, I'm just tearing up but they're awesome.

I've been texting Cassidy for 5 days straight. And really? It's nice. Very nice;

caaaassidy- asked:

ohhai cutie. prease don't be bummed, i don't like it :|
text me, if you feel like it :)

Champagne from a Paper Cup.

So, today was a fairly successful day. Got picked up by Brandon, went to Moe's, went to Viking's house, listened to some sick music, got to Jesse's, played without Jesse (he had a migraine), developed on some songs, and then watched a movie till I got picked up by my parents. Now. I was in a reeeeallly good mood, naturally and altered. While we were driving home, my dad told me, very vaguely, "We're gonna have some people live with us next-weekend." I'm like, dafuq? Then he proceeded to tell me I'm basically a disappointment because I said that no one is using my room. Really? Ever since the incident I had with my dad in which he straight up told me that "You have no friends, and you live in a digital world with all of your video games, you're an embarrassment," I've started not even caring. I mean. I was shocked when he told me that in the car, but it didn't even phase me that much. Now the whole house is quiet, my mom and dad aren't talking to each-other, and I don't give a fuck. I already go to bed every night almost depressing myself to sleep, I guess this'll make me fall asleep quicker.

Other than that. Recording next Friday after-school (2/11/11). 'Boutta be awesome, this is actually the only thing that I can actually remind myself about that makes me happy. After the car ride, I went to my room, changed, and then played and sung True Love Waits and There There. Music makes me genuinely happy.

Really. I don't even know what to feel anymore.

I Will Follow You into the Dark.

I'm pretty worthless. And I couldn't stress that enough. Other than that, I've been hoping for a lost cause. And that kinda sucks. I guess. So. Everything is back to normal now. And really, that's good in its own way. Change isn't always the best solution. I don't mind. Now I'm just going to be sulky for about a week.

On a lighter note. Well not lighter, but the picture is really interesting. You have a group of Russian soldiers to the bottom half, aiming down on a German platoon which has 2 tanks for support. The Russians did win the war because of number.

I really wish I could have something to talk about to make me happier. I got home, then went to jam, and then I went back home. I've just been yawning all day.

Whenever someone posts some kind of cute status, I always think like 'aww that's cute.' Then I realize I've never experience something like it. Ever. And that's kind of saddening. But on the bright side, I didn't nothing exciting today. I'm gonna go drink now.