A Shy Man's Modesty, Reigns Supreme.

I don't like posting pictures of myself. But dude. I could wear this outfit for the rest of my life. The pure simplicity and hipsterness of the.. what's it even called? Flannel plaid jacket with gray hood (The contrast is ironic), v-neck, jeans, and slip-ons is a new favourite in my book. And I swear, my kids will have it the same. I need to get more of these.... jacket things.

I guess life is good. Like always, there will be emptiness, but without any proactive steps to fill that, I shouldn't really be complaining.

I read Perks of Being a Wallflower and I'm really starting to love the concept of it, the idea of it. It's as if I'd want to place myself in Charlie's shoes. I'd like to live that life. And the whole 'wallflower' thing. I'd love that. The whole 'sit back, observe, listen' concept is very appealing. I don't mean to sound like a fanboy, but I am. I don't want to babble on too much about that.

Other than that. I'm just waiting for something to happen.

The Red Pill, or the Blue Pill?

I must say. Today is one of the days that make me feel sane. It makes me feel alive, and happy most importantly. I had no idea what it was like to have friends like these. Sadly, Seniors are Seniors and thus, this is their last year, truly the only sad part about today. I would also like to say that I'm sorry Catie. My mind was very clouded, and in my very well manipulated state of well being, bad decisions are made, all I could think is 'Why not.'

The whole day was spent with good people. It was originally Brandon and myself, and that's when we worked on the two songs, eventually Cassidy came, and, off topic, I love her. Not even in the 'I wanna date her' way, because I know it'll never happen, but she's just such a beautifully amazing person, and I like to use that description very scarcely. The three of us chilled, then Jesse came, we played as a band all the songs about 3 times, Chipoltle (did I spell it wrong?), came back home. I then proceeded to play True Love Waits, and it was nice. Really nice :). And, one nice thing I may add, is, Jesse, Brandon, Cassidy and I were having the best discussion about music that I've ever had. And, in the process, Cassidy called me 'adorably awkward.' And Jesse agreed, saying I was the 'good awkward, not the creeper awkward.' I lqtm'd a little. I think I blushed though. Anyway. Brandon was taking a shower when that discussion came up.

Brandon and Jesse are starting to be like brothers to me.

Out of our original three song line-up, we cut one (didn't have flow, catchy chorus though), and we added two more, which, I must say, are quite beautiful. Now we pretty much have 2 ~softer songs and 2 ~heavier songs.

Yupp.

A Sleepy Company.

I'm sad. But it's my fault, I got myself into it. Well, atleast I know I'm not gay. Now it's just the realization that all my dreams will stay as dreams, and if that's so, I wish I could have more of those dreams.

Besides that. There's nothing new.

The Headmaster Ritual.

So. So. French was gay. At least writing was. Other than that... multiple choice was easy, and the fun we have in the class is wonderful. Physics tomorrow? Fuck yeah, I love calculating vectors and velocities and acceleration of objects that move at 45degrees and that have a Net weight of 150N and gravity and frictional force and shit.

Recording on the 11th of February :) 9 hours in a professional studio, if Jesse's parents let him, my dad is willing to give me a 2 hour early dismissal, which, I may add, is pretty awesome since we're scheduled to record from 2-11. My only turn off is that I still have no idea when I'm getting my Telecaster back. It's been 5 days and I have no email or anything from the guy, ohwell I guess, could be worse.

I started thinking about dating and relationships and I can't tell if it's worth it, really, because I've only shown I can't do anything right, at all. Like. It sounds like an amazing idea in my head, that everything'll be alright, but it's not in reality it's not, all because of me. Ever since I've started talking to Cassidy, I've only be more and more surprised by her, pleasantly. She has the best musical taste that I've seen in a girl. Ever. Movie wise? Knowing an obscure 1979 Russian movie? Ohmy (insert heart here, it won't let me for some reason) But. She's too perfect. And that's the catch, you see? Even if I have her as a friend, it saddens me knowing it'll never happen, but, there's not much anything can do about that.

How to Disappear Completely (And Never Be Found.)

So, I guess the 'photoshoot' went alright. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined it to be. I originally thought it would be some sort of really organized, static thing, but it turned out quite starkly the opposite; very lulzy and dynamic, we walked around for a little and did random things. There were about 20 pictures taken, then we had a few when we were playing. It was alright, again, one of the better days of my life. I really have nothing else to say.

Oh. I was talking to Cassidy Saturday. Very casual. For some back-story on what I'm going to start talking about, when we were taking a break from playing in Jesse's basement, everyone started just having a casual conversation, and I don't know what/how it led to this, but I asked Cassidy if she wanted me to play any Radiohead song, then I followed it by a creepy-funny comment, everyone laughed, all was forgotten, then we started playing again. She started IM'd me Saturday with 'I know what song you should play me.' Turns out she wants me to 'serenade' her with True Love Waits, by Radiohead. MY HEART BLEW UP. not that she wanted me to 'serenade' her (I can't even serenade my bed), but because she knew about that song. It's not an official song, like, it was release on Radiohead's B-Sides (Songs that got cut from the albums or songs from 3-5 song CDs called EPs. I have every B-side imaginable by Radiohead.) I guess she has a love for Radiohead like I do, which is. Beautiful. I can play the song. But. I can't sing. I sound like a cat on LSD that's dying. Ohwell. We'll see how it goes next time we see eachother.

I really. Really want to start jogging everynight. I did lastnight, and I felt really good afterwards. I keep whining about myself, so, I figured I'd do something about it. Eating is going to be a problem for me, because I tend to eat just about anything I find when my mom hasn't made anything to eat, oh, that's also a benefit of being Romanian and having Romanian born and raised parents. The food? Hoshi~ Butuh. Shouldn't be a big issue. I don't want to make it any kind of serious hardcore workout dickslap steroid. Thing. You know?

I'm afraid of Clowns, I'm afraid of Small Towns.

So. Today. Was beautiful. School was soooooooo tiring. 1st period was meh, Ms. Sabanal was reviewing while everyone was socializing (I'm guilty). In French, Mrs. Choi gave us a map to fill out (Turns out we already did it, and I found my paper), so our little group (Catie, Tyla, and James) just copied it, got it done, then did NOTHING. Earth Science, Mr. Durham doesn't even seem to care about the review packet. I was giving Sophomores and Freshmen life lessons about bitches, love, and money, all while Mr. Durham just sat at his computer laughing occasionally. Math; review packet that no one did, but Mrs. Davis just went over it while I slept.

NOW. fun beings. Jesse drove me home to get my pedal-board and amp, then we went to Jesse's, Brandon got there with Beatrice and Cassidy, set up, started playing while Cassidy took pictures of us, Beatrice left, then the four of us went to the woods and took some lulzy/serious promotional pictures of the band. Then we went back inside, set up again, played, she just sat there or took some more pictures, chilled, joked, chilled some more, bro time, more bro time, lulzy group time, more bro time, went to Moe's, and I got to know Cassidy better, and I take back what I said in my earlier posts, we're cool. Brandon and Jesse went outside to smoke and she and I just talked for a little, it was nice. To say the truth, I felt soo like. What's the feeling you get when you're talking to a cute girl? That one. I have no social skill, that's one thing I'm really worried about. Ohwell. I know nothing'll happen between us, it's just good to make another friend. Drove back home and had a lulzy time in the car, got to Jesse's, packed everything, then home. That's like. 5 hours with these guys. And an amazing 5 hours it was. Apparently, Jesse might have booked up for Mr. Hylton. I have no idea why, but if it's true. I'm going to piss myself. That's going to be traumatizing, to like, play in-front of our school. And then people are going to recognize me ;_; meh. It could be worse, oh, recording on February 11. I hope I get my guitar by then, if not, I'mma have to use someone else's guitar for the recording, and that's like, like having sex with a stranger. A bad stranger. Oh, and on top of that, we're playing shows in March-April-June area. Boutta get intense.

Coney Island.

Really, nothing can make me feel any less alone, but things are improving. I guess. The 'quality' of life has been better than my last post, and I apologize for it, but sometimes things get. Too low.

Uhm. I'm sorry for posting this too much but, music, oh, my, god. It's beautiful. And I've already stressed this in posts but I'm going to bring it up again, it's beautiful.

I was in the shower and past memories and stuff started coming back. Does it ever happen to you when, lets say, you did something, something cute, awkward, whatever, and when it comes back to you, you just kinda like, shudder and question your being at that moment and time. It's weird. Especially with awkward moments. I usually remember them, and when I do, I feel soo guilty. All I want to do is apologize my heart out.

Here.

I just got an email from my technician on 'progress.' That's my baby :) He took the paper to do an outline since he's going to be placing that circuit board in the bottom left of the picture where it says 'Switch Holes.' Reason being that the sustainer system I'm adding to my Tele' has, besides the new humbucker, has two switches which one, turn on the system, and two, harmonic mode which plays the harmonic of the note that it happens to be sustaining at the moment. Really nice, thing is, the switches are built into the circuit board, so that limits freedom in the project, but he's going to be placing it on the bottom horn of the guitar (left horn if the guitar is held upward) and the white pickguard is going to be extended so that the switches come out of the pickguard and not the wood finish so that the wood'll rot. The 'B5' on the right is the Bigsby B5, a vibrato system, just to add some nice touches of vibrato now and then, and it improves the tone qualities of the guitar, a new bridge has to be added, and the custom metal pickup ring/bridge plate! :D

I'm sorry, lqtm. I seem to have a lot more fun babbling on about my guitar than life, it generally makes me, or, helps me 'escape' from life, as you teenagers say, and just, gives me a happy, euphoric mood. I drop a ton of money in these kinds of things, my guitar is what, 500+140=640. This project has so far cost 200+138+400ish (depends on labour), so, $1378 on my guitar alone. Then I have another thousand in pedals, and five hundred on my tube (sound created by heating up airtight electrical tubes, analog technology, sounds better, but it's more expensive) amplifier, and who knows what the future will hold? I have nothing else to spend this money on, it's the only thing that makes me happy so far, so, what else is there to make me happy?

Sometimes I wish I could make people happy. Genuinely happy, not spur of the moment, joke funny. Like when you see in all those movies that the girl thinks about that guy and then she's happy. Like that.

Pirate Blues.

Really. Who would even love me, or have any kind of feelings for me? Better yet, who'd love my body? Fuck.

I don't like being depressed. It's really sad and pathetic. And. I mean. What do I talk about? When I look at myself, and then compare me to some other guys, I'm like. Worthless. Really. I can't compare to others in any category. I'm actually not even sure if depression ties in with feeling worthless. It's not depression then, never-mind. It's like a wonderful mix of worthlessness, social anxiety, sulking, and loneliness. But. It could be worse, right?

The Town Needs Gun.

This whole "thank you?" thing is really bothering me more than it should. I feel like I've crossed the line somehow, when I really don't think I have. I don't want to seem like I'm a stalker, or that I love her behind her back, because I don't. I don't want her to think I'm in-love with her or something, it's just surprising that someone has the same interests as me in that music/movie manner. DERRP. meh.

It's really nice when music has some personality to it that's comforting, because really, I have nothing else to comfort me, to be there for me. It's the borderline depressive music that I have which comforts me.

Nude.

Well, a most successful day with Tyla. Drove to Bloom to get marshmallows, then drove to Taco Bell, then to Starbucks, and then we sat on my couch like two guys in their late 40's and watched Campus PD. See, my mom complained to me that it's bad if I have someone over when she or my dad isn't home, but why? Did we burn down the house? Did we smoke more weed than Cheech and Chong? Did we get drunk? No, we sat like bros and watched TV. What would I have done if we didn't hang out? I'd just be in my house for 3 hours doing nothing. Meh, hopefully one day she'll understand.

One day when I went to go jam with Jesse and Brandon, this girl was at their house, Cassidy. I didn't talk to her at all, and not because I didn't like her, it's just that I'm awkward. Anyway, that night, she added me on Facebook, we didn't talk then, and whatever, it just moved on. As time passed, she posted a picture of Jesse and I said "who's that cutie? ;)," she liked it, I commented on a status of hers when she was having trouble with a movie player and gave her the website for a good movie play to download, later she posted a status from the Radiohead song; 'Nude,' I put a heart and she liked it, moving on. Now she posted a status about watching Andrei Tarkovsky's 'Stalker,' which is a Russian movie, very obscure, but very good in my terms, and I commented; "Not that I'm a Facebook stalker (I felt weird for talking to her on Facebook but not in person) or anything, but just the fact that you know about that movie, my respect levels for you have grown immensely," and she commented "thank you?" See. Now I fucking feel awkward. I don't want to give off that weirdo vibe, but it's the first fucking time that someone has a) Posted Radiohead lyrics, and b) Posted about a very obscure movie that barely anyone knows about and I really like, so I was very surprised by her, but now I'm the fucking weirdo creep. Wonderful. That's all that bothers me for today. Goodbye.

Temptress.

I'm sorry about today. It just.. wasn't a good day? I didn't feel anything when I woke up, it was stale to say the least. There's no happiness that I can find, atleast only today.

I dropped off the only thing that I know loves me as much as I love it, my guitar <3.

Short entry is short. Oh. Check this out. (If it doesn't work, keep F5'ing until it works, took me 4 tries). It's Brandon's acoustic version of our 2nd song, he's going to be playing bass and singing, and I get to do the beautiful guitar part. On top of that, I'm going to add a little solo when he stops singing for a short amount of time, but coming up with a solo is harder than it seems...

Ohwell. Hopefully tomorrow's a better day.

I Am the Man Who Loves You.

I really wonder what people say about me behind my back. But I guess that's one of those thing's you'll probably never really find out fully. Pitty. I wonder what people think about me, like, what kind of person am I? Do they say bad things about me, positive, 'he's a cool guy?' I really hope it's nothing bad, but no matter what it is, I guess I'd rather not even find out, good or bad.

The band is going by very nicely. We have two songs in their entirety now, but we can't practice the vocals because we have no microphone... Brandon sung though while I played softly so the lyrics would be noticeable and I must say, truly nice to combine the elements. We need a third song though. We have... unorganized ideas, riffs, and chords, it's gonna turn out to be a smelting process now, but it'll turn out nicely with these guys :) Brandon also texted me today while I was in the car with Tyla heading home from GuitarCenter that in about 2 weeks, the guy who's have a recording studio is going to be coming in and listening to us practice to get a feel for the band. Next thing is album cover, album name, and bandname. Then we have to take promotional pictures for the band (just the three of us). Enfin, we're going to start playing local shows, and I really don't know how I'm going to be able to handle that, me and stages don't have a good connection, but practice will make perfect, and if I know everything I have to do, being on a stage won't bother me.

I'm sending off my only true love tomorrow, I called Morgan (my guitar technician) and he's gonna start working on my guitar tomorrow, some $700 total, the parts and labour. It's my 'real' Christmas present, lqtm, underwear and v-necks. Bad thing is I have no guitar for several weeks. That's going to be a dilemma...

Only sometimes I'll miss the feeling of having someone.

The Dark Side of the Moon.

You know, there's something with me and liking guys with weird(ish) faces. Not in the gay way, but I can say that 'wow, he's hot.' Example B. Thom Yorke. Guy has a lazy eye, still doesn't take away from how handsome he is. We all already know about Greenwood. He has. Like. His whole face is weird but he's sooo handsome <3.

Uhm. Yeah. I hate people now. Or it's just a phase. I wish it wouldn't bother me that much but rude people just, really annoy me.

And I like blazers. Or. Again. It's just a phase. The green/purple/orange/dark blue one is by far my favourite. I have another one which is tan/white/black. That one's nice too but the exterior is very fine, I like 'em scruffy. Besides those two, I have my Sinfonia suit. But that one's like. I DON'T WANNA HURT CHUUU. So, I decide not to wear it most of the time. I don't necessarily like suits because they make me look KEWL AND HIP (maybe a hipster) but because I feel comfortable in them. For lack of a better term, they make you/anyone look good. Really. So. Me being all self-conscious and whatnot, I feel amazing in them.

While we're still on the topic of comfort zones, I've always loved v-necks, and I'm usually always wearing a plain white v-neck at home. But. Once I go outside, I feel terribly uncomfortable, and it's because I'm not fucking perfect like all those fucking models. Fuck. ohwell.

Music. Once a person starts to play music by bands they like, they start to grow an appreciation for that band. Once a person starts making melodies, they grow a very deep appreciation for musicians in general. Really. It's terribly hard. Probably because I never took the time to learn guitar scales, I have all my violin scales down but guitar, why you soo different? I really wouldn't imagine it being difficult being how the guitar has frets which, in-turn, help the player play perfectly in-tune notes. The violin doesn't. All the fretboard is on the violin is a piece of ebony/rosewood. So, you, as the player, have to know exactly where each note is, because even if you're 1millimeter off, the note will not be in-tune. Eh. I love being a music geek.

This band thing. Brandon Yi and Jesse Harman. Two cool guys. Hopefully it goes well. I need to start in guitar theory though. It's one thing to play at home with the volume at 8'oclock, and then another to be playing at 1'oclock with a drummer and bassist. Horycrap. It's sooooo wonderfully loud. We have 1 song and a half. The first one is down, we just need to add lyrics (Brandon's the singer) and for the second one, Brandon needs to show me the 2nd half he came up with for it, then lyrics for that, after those two, we're probably gonna do 1 or 2 more songs, and then release an EP. I hope for the best, really. And I hope this band thing brings in some perks into my boring life.

I wish I could love life.

Wilco.

Music is really wonderful. Really. I have no idea what I'd be doing without it in my life. Sometimes I question myself on how deep and emotional I get into music but really. I have nothing else. Discovering a new band is like a scientist proving his hypothesis after a long experiment. You feel like. Where have you been all of my life? Radiohead keeps coming back to me. No matter what new band I discover. No matter what new genre I immerse myself into. Radiohead... completes me. For example, techno/electronic/rave. Holyshi~ WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.

~Because all you ever wanted was a shy girl who games, has a good musical taste, loves you, and would never cheat. But that's too much to ask for.

For example. I was on /mu/ (a sane section of 4chan where the lovers of all genres go, nojoke, it's the music board of 4chan) and I came across this~

See that? It's Radiohead's OK Computer. I'm inlove.

Skinny Love.

I would love to experience it right now.