I've got piano

Sometimes, I lay awake thinking about the past and all the shitty things that happened, the way it all turned out and the way that things are now.

But. I have been debating the circumstance of getting a job. January 3rd is when my dad gets sent off, so, fuck January 3rd. Money would be very nice that we're not exactly rich people and I hate having to ask my parents for large sums of money. Now. I can manage school and job, I'm almost positive. I already spend at most 2 hours on school work, and some days, I have nothing to do and I sit at home and want to kill myself because I'll never manage in college. Besides that, going to work for at least 3 or 4 hours everyday would be nice. It would be nice in both the sense of having some money and also in not making me want to kill myself because I have something to do.

It's a vice to mankind; to have an empty mind. I just lose it and over-think everything and then get paranoid and want to go away for a while from everything. But finding things to do is really hard, strange enough. I mean, sure, I find work to do outside and around the house for a little, but then it's back to sulking in my little chair pretending I amount to something. And I’d like to be a big ball of meat that bees can buzz around and eat when I die so that I may be granted one sense of purpose because I feel like I do nothing now. My mom's somewhat of a total twat when it comes to making me happy or keeping me happy, and my dad is really my only source of laughter in this house. But. Oh well. I'll at least have the car so if I want to go out and drive somewhere to die, I can.

If I do get a job though, I'm going to lose a lot of free time. And I want that free time for her, so, fuck.

And I started thinking about crying and falling apart at college and going outside at 2 in the morning breaking down..

Funny thing it happened at college.

And I really wish I fucking had money. Then I could pay for gas and I could pay for small things without worrying about spending all my money. I mean, I'm trying to save up for a Leica but they cost money and I only have about $1,000. I need at least twice or three times that amount. How. I'm not selling my guitar nor pedals, no fucking way. I could at least get $1,500 off my guitar, but my bond to it is too strong to sell it off.. same with my pedals; I have everything exactly where I wanted it to be since. Welp, I guess I can always hide my card so I can never use it in person or over the internet to buy things until I have my desired total. And, I thought Christmas money would help, but $50 isn't all to substantial. Regardless, it's going on there.

What else did I want to talk about...

I actually want to fall apart sometime. Just. Cry for hours.

I feel like I bring everyone down because of the way I think. I think that if I go away for a while, it'll allow people to feel better. I always fuck things up and I always make people doubt everything and it really sucks. Regardless of what everyone may say, I can't wait to go to college and not make any friends besides my roommate. I've had dreams where whoever the unfortunate roommate is gets to see me falling apart slowly. And he tries to stop and to help me but doesn't succeed. And then, God knows what. I actually do want to just go to my classes, study, do homework/whatever, go to sleep, repeat, visit my parents and old friends, and then go on to have a stable job as a single male with cats. I honestly don't see myself holding anyone of value close because I just make them go away anyway, so, why bother? Cats though, I really cannot wait to have a place of my own and own cats. Maybe New York. I could buy an apartment and live in New York so I don't have to worry about anything besides what's in my apartment. And I could have cats. And not give a shit what my mom has to say about them because my dad would come visit and play with them. Fuck.

I could stay alive for at least that to happen. And then commit suicide in my late 40's.

I'm honestly not even depressed or sad about this. I'm just thinking realistically, thus, pessimistically.

I want a really nice camera that I'll never have to upgrade besides lenses. And then, fuck, just die or something. I don't know.

My dad's friend gave us Irish Cream. I've drank about half the bottle. It's hard liqueur, and my grammar is still nearly flawless. Amen nationality.

Motivational Song

My mom will never be able to be happy for me that I'm happy.

But. Today was really, really, really pretty great c:

Flying Lotus

Today was just, really, really relaxing and great,
and I really love her~

Night on the Sun

I feel like writing more because as of this sentence, it's only 12:06 and Modest Mouse is the mood music of tonight so far so,

Ben's really adorable. I can fully respect guys who don't fit into that social image of a really attractive male with abs and a slender face and some cute role in a TV show or something like that, which in-turn has thousands and possibly millions of fangirls fantasizing of touching him with sexual intentions. While, yes, he has gotten much slender now, Ben will always touch me (ohoho gay) as possibly thee (thee, emphasis on the ee) cutest celebrity person ever, hands down. Put aside my Jonny Greenwood and Thom Yorke. I mean. Look at him.

He makes my emotions putty when I look at him, and that's not including his voice. And Death Cab has been on of the 3 Founding Cool Bands that Alex liked in his musical infancy days: Radiohead, Death Cab, and the Arctic Monkeys.

Oh, and being on the theme of music, go look up Isaac Brock. He's the lead singer of Modest Mouse and he's also another manly role model of mine, because Jonny is impossible.

I have money, but I don't know exactly how to use it just yet. I wanted to pick up a Peavy Vypr 30watt amplifier head now that I got ride of my Vox AC15c1 to Mrs. Schofield for $400, so, I have that $400 to spend. The Peavy's only $190. Or. I could try to look at something in the 200-$300 range but eh, I'll see. Then $600 (hopefully) for my Nikon and I can use that and whatever's left of the $400 for a nicer body, and then I forgot Christmas money, oh, oh okay~

So, that's all my life consists of. And, I really hope I can actually go talk to Mr. Lederman about my little psychiatrist problem, and hopefully it works out.

Goodnight/Have a nice day, everyone~

Positive/Negative

Ben Gibbard in his early days is a beautiful Ben Gibbard, and rocking a Gibson SG, probably late 80's or 90's model, because the new ones of today look gay.

Is it strange to say that I want a psychiatrist? I'd feel horrible approaching my parents with the prospect of getting me one, but it's teasing my mind somewhat. Someone that you have absolutely no ties to, at all, nothing known between the two of you and just openness? Of course it teases me dreadfully.

I could always go find those people in school who are apparently psychiatrists or, whatever they are, mental poops, or wanna be soul seekers who wish to fulfill themselves by working with America's youth. Do I feel sorry for them? Maybe. All I know, they sit in their little offices and do nothing to my contemporary knowledge; one of them located 2 doors down from Mr. Brown's glorified orchestra. I miss the class. The music, the layers, the harmonies, the dynamics, it all appeals to me greatly but, so does laziness. Pity. Yeah. I think I could try to talk to Mr. Lederman about it and try not to sound like I've gone off the bend or that I'm suicidal, because if they look at my record, I'm a clean student with no disciplinary issues and not even a tardy to a class, so they won't think I'm doing it to skip class, right? They won't think that I'm doing it for some loophole reach-around to the system.. I just want to talk to someone who doesn't know me and tell them exactly everything and at least see what they have to say about it, I mean, they did go through college for it, right? Take their advice. See how it goes. And if it goes swell-ly (what's the word for that?); I can go back, shake their hand, and thank them. That's all I want from it. Maybe I can wait till college and contract one myself without my mom or dad ever knowing. I don't want them to think that they grew me up wrong or something, because that's the last burden I want to put on them...

I don't want any of that medicine shit though. Simple human guidance and judgement.

Welp. Okay. I wrote this while listening to "Building Something out of Nothing" by Modest Mouse.

Ghost World.

I just bought these for Sohane

am I a cute boyfriend yet?

Looks like it's gonna be a great day today.

Aside from anything we've done or said, the fact that she could bring me from a pretty down mood to smiling and laughing by being weird makes me love her. I missed having someone to cheer you up when you're down. So. Yup. My blog posts are getting/will continue to get very gay.

So I wrote a song and called it the love of my life.

It's a let down how any little thing can throw off my mood. I honestly do not want to be like this, and I hope I grow out of it.

are you guys seeing the reoccurring Cassidy theme coming back up in my posts lately? yeah, shit.

Movies like Juno.

I really have no valid reasoning behind my complaining and for what I'm complaining.

While I do realize and accept that I'm in the middle class, I have parents who love eachother and me, who care about me, a supportive (besides my dad's greedy side) family, and I'm generally healthy and barely ever get sick, I have mediocre but acceptable grades, I have friends, all of that. I'm fortunate. But dammit do I hate comparing myself to others less fortunate. Like when people use the excuse 'WELL THE KIDS IN AFRICA,' honest, I don't care at all. It's a shit thing to pull, too. Why does the situation of another which has no direct ties to me affect me? We are all born differently into different cultures with different norms and social positions. I don't care if there are starving kids in Africa because 'God' would not have that, but since he's apparently real, he does like having starving, diseased people around the world who were born no deserving of their contemporary condition.

Going off on a tangent, I want to stop before I get even worse and more offensive.

Another thing. Offensive. 'This offends me, you offend me, I'm offended, they're offensive, I'm not offensive,' shutup. People are soo sensitive. There's nothing wrong with being offensive nor should I know if you were offended because before it came out of my mouth, I know you would have been offended and I meant it to be and for you to be offended.

Ok. Having made you guys hate me more, I'm sad and lonely and sad and it's that little period when I don't talk as much (or, I hope I don't talk a lot in general) to people and where I'm neutral and moody and sulky. Having read everything at the beginning of this post, it was intentionally meant (not) to make you not feel as bad for me, but have a slight taste of hate on your tongue. Or I don't know where I'm going with this. I can't want to have a relationship but hold such high standards, especially for someone like me. But I don't mind waiting even though I will complain and be moody in the waiting period. I mean. I waited for Cassidy to come along, and pre-'I don't want to get too attached' was great. I mean (2x), the conversations we had, and the, of course, physical companionship we had was great, really great. But. Fuck it, because as Sean Bonnette would say in this situation, 'love will fuck us up.' Or Thom Yorke and his 'I don't want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover,' up in this bitch.

I also do not read over my posts so grammatical errors are expected.

Polishing your mirror, purifying your mind.

I really do dislike complaining, because I feel weak by doing so. Yet, I don't know how I feel about being alone anymore because it sort of sucks. I hate to be gay and mention it but I miss going out with someone.

However, the football game on Friday was beautiful. Komal and Silvia came and I could not have been any happier because they're beautiful. And I got to see Drew the Leopard again! The man is a mystery to science, but damn is he beautiful. I used to have a really big crush on Komal (I don't see how anyone couldn't) during 12th grade but I'm not quite too stunning at all so nothing came of it. Having learned of Jesse's take to her, instead of feeling treaded on or betrayed, I approved and tried to help with it. Jesse's always had a thing for her, and I guess they've both had a thing for eachother, but it's great knowing that some of my bestfriends are dating and they're happy together, and really, it's all I could wish for. Silvia's sort of a hopeless romantic of some sorts, but she gets her way with guys most of the time, and seeing her in college, I'm glad she's exposed to a new level of maturity among guys because with some of the stuff she went through in high-school, I felt really bad for what she's been through..

After the game (we didn't even stay the whole time), Komal, Silvia, Drew, Tyler and I went to iHop and that again, fuck, I love spending time with wonderful people..

The game sort of sucked in one aspect. It wasn't that I was wearing flipflops in that weather, but Cassidy was there. All I'm really going to say is that Silvia's a wonderful person and I'd like to thank her in person next time I see her for helping me through that in the little that she did.

Moving on, I crave intimacy and Modern Warfare 3. Fuck. I was at Gamestop earlier today to pay off MW3 and there was the cuuuuuutest girl there that walked in with her boyfriend, and fuck because he was the typical 'herp derp long straight black hair with a snakebite and skinny gray jeans and a cool ass swag hoodie' but they seemed happy together, so, I'm not going to peddle with it. I just want some girl who like all my shitty musical obsessions and doesn't care if I don't text her back because I'm playing videogames and who doesn't mind watching bad movies with me.

Uhm. For the 2 weeks or so that Battlefield has been out, I have 50+ hours logged on it. In Layman's Term, that's not good for my body nor social life. And I think it's going to get worse when I pick up MW3 tomorrow.

The more I look at it, the worse I feel. I looked at Cassidy's profile and derp she's happy around the neck of her new boyfriend. Oh welp, off to Battlefield and good music~

Do the Astral Plane.

yay, focal ratio differences! Sorry my essay came out this way, I guess copy/paste's fuck up.

Much like Anakin Skywalker matured from the small, droid repairing, Pod-Racing kid he was on Tatooine when Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon unexpectedly stumbled upon him while looking for a new hyperdrive generator for Queen Amidala’s ship, to the morally undecided Jedi he became in Episode Three, maturity reinforces a strong grip on all of us: whether we like it or not. This being said, the change from middle-school to high-school affirms that typical teenage stereotype. Starting off as a freshman in high-school: musical tastes are unrefined, social skills are mediocre at best, and you might still be in one of the most awkward growth stages as far as teenagers go. Coming to an anticipated close on sophomore year and Junior year in its entirety is where I like to start my autobiography though, because this is where I feel like I truly became the established and content person I am now with any kind of situation, may it be social, personal, good or bad: I have learned how to deal and make the best of it. Responsible for all of this has to be the (now graduated) Class of 2011. Getting to know these amazing individuals both on friend and personal levels, spending time with them outside of school, becoming close with Brandon and Jesse, and en fin, the band that came out of Brandon and Jesse’s friendship along with all the time we spent together has, beyond doubt, shaped me into the current mature and comfortable being I am with myself today; something I cannot thank them enough for.

Going into Junior year came with the added perks of feeling somewhat older (and taller) than the underclassmen at that point. Looking at some of the few friends I have carried from middle-school, to ninth grade, 10^th, and the present 11^th grade, truly made me wonder, “How did time pass, and how did it change us all so significantly?” Aside from thinking that life is about learning who you are and what you want to be, life’s chapter that consists of focusing around other people has to be the most interesting of all, but before I digress and further, back to the point of this all. The fact that I was a Junior really helped me get closer to the, at the time intimidating Senior class. Thankfully, having taken Ensemble Orchestra in 10^th grade (which first introduced me to Michael and Kevin, two beautiful human beings who could play a delightfully crafted piece of wood and metal with true emotion) and then being in Physics in my Junior year with a class of majorly Seniors, most of which I have known for about a year at that point, and having taken 11^th grade Symphonic Orchestra was my mono to the Senior class; a clumsily spread disease through overly social and approachable people (not that it’s a bad thing necessarily).

As the 2^nd quarter of 11^th grade passed, my social skills (along with my jokes) had progressively gotten better. Instead of sitting at home watching movies I have already seen at least ten times, and reading science fiction novels in the form of the Halo series whose quotes and references would never help me on a college essay, I started going out with my upperclassman friends, feeling real cool and slick. These get outs consisted of a relatively social gathering of the exceptionally tight friend group which consisted of Seniors, except for me. These, code named ‘Bronights,’ were modest gatherings of modest people with modest interests in seemingly modest tastes; I could not ask for more in life. From the smell of brought over multicultural food for dinner which was pungent in teriyaki, overly spicy curry, sour kraut, steak, and the oh so ethnic salt and vinegar chips, to the occasional waft of the stale air of a packed living room, thickly humid from two running Xboxs, a PS3, and three LCD TVs, is something I can never forget. The array of entertainment was also endless, and by endless I mean from playing videogames to watching horrible movies on Netflix about an ‘ex-Navy paleontologist guru,’ or Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus, to those of you who may be curious. These nights usually happened once every two months and mainly in one secretive location which was never to be disclosed to anyone outside of the group unless you wanted Kevin to slit your throat, metaphorically speaking of course. The good thing about these evenings was that they never ended with regrets or sadness that the night was over, it was always a positive, fulfilled spirit in the air, so to speak, and I feel like these nights, in one way or another, taught me how to let loose around people and not really care if I was out of place because I never felt like I was. And since no one made me feel awkward or out of place so, after two or three of these nights, I involuntarily started considering each and everyone there brothers.

Right around when the first Bronight happened just about December (I want to say), I got to meet Brandon and Jesse. These two struck me as two of the most quizzical individuals I have ever met so far in my life. Ranging from several of the most interesting phrases I have ever heard like, “The grass is always greener on the side which receives more sunlight and a healthy amount of rainwater,” and “don’t count your chicks before they hatch because you might have miscounted,” to the finest taste in music that I have ever seen, I fell in-love almost instantly. This love wasn’t something that resembles a kid ‘falling in-love’ with his girlfriend after one week, no, no, it was falling in-love after three minutes; the only true love that exists. After several philosophical conversations with these two mysterious characters, we decided to start getting comfortable with our bodies and hanging out. Not that we engaged in homosexual activities, because that’s weird.

As the third year of high-school came to its expected close, so did a mix array of feelings. Seeing everyone talk about packing and going off to college was really hard on me because it was basically saying goodbye to a group of people that I got to know so well in such a short amount of time that it felt almost unreal. But, that’s life. Around the last 4 months of school is when Brandon and Jesse thought it would be a good idea to start a band with me, just as a casual get together of like music tastes and a love for instruments. Fast-forwarding to about one month after the first time the three of us got together, there we are sitting in the same bland, white, chilly basement of Jesse’s house with five complete and polished songs, all five of which came from us. Right around April is when we got to play a local venue in some guy’s basement, which was much nicer than what I’m making it seem now, truthfully. There was a really good number of people and bands who showed up so it felt homely. That being said, we had a some more shows in and out but the other main hallmark of a day was for The White House Show, another local venue which was set up in a friend’s backyard in August for his birthday, which would later turn out to be our last show before Brandon and Jesse set sail for college. Zooming from April’s basement gig to August’s finishing performance, hours upon countless hours were spent between the three of us either practicing, watching immature videos on Youtube, and moping around on the basement’s massive couch; the amount of time that can almost be equivalent to the amount of time a couple tries to spend together. The point is that we spent a vast quantity of time together getting to know each-other on a personal level and listening to each-other (key note), which was something that I have never really been exposed to very much so I can easily regard it as something quite significant in my life looking back on it now. Fast-forward again to play day: outside Ryad’s house, I could not recognize the individual smells of people unlike Bronight, but the mixture of humidity due in-part to the all-day long rain and the coolness of the night alongside the catchy and sometimes awing music of local bands was soothing to the senses. Being able to identify the various layers of music is something that I wish everyone was good at; being able to metaphorically see the guitar lines, bass, effects, drums, dual vocalists harmonizing with eachother (in some cases), and the occasional synth is wonderful to the ears; it’s the way jelly and peanut butter mixes in a PB&J sandwich, a delicious, cosmic blend. Right before the band prior to us started packing their gear to the basement, Brandon and I were laying down on the grass a good distance from the impromptu stage and he asked me, “do you ever feel like grabbing the sky and pulling yourself up to it?” At the moment, did I think about this too deeply? Of course not, it a quirky little before an adrenaline rushed performance philosophical seeming question, but looking back on it and probably taking from my AP English 11 teacher, I may have come to an overanalyzed conclusion to this seemingly random statement from Brandon. Now, I believe it may be related to feeling infinite, something that someone who has read The Perks of Being a Wallflower should familiar to, but it may be parallel to feeling really great and not holding yourself back on may it be grudges, discomforts, insecurities, and so on. Eventually we played our set, felt really great, everyone enjoyed the music (or at least we hope they did), and when we finished, a sense of personal accomplishment came across me. I was happy, and I was going around to everyone and talking them about the music, goofing around, making jokes, and I felt really social, something I could have never even remotely said when I first started high-school. It’s almost like looking at other people and seeing them change over a period of time, but instead, looking at yourself and feeling proud of how you’ve changed. Comparing the old you, to the new you. It’s hard to describe to it’s almost euphoric sense, but I’m not an English major, so excuse my mediocre explanation.

Thus, my story is over, not that I died. After midnight everyone started carrying equipment to their sedans and vans, and that’s where I had my final goodbye from the two once quizzical strangers who were now two brothers I could never forget for as long as I live, even though that may sound cliché, I still hold it in truth and respect. The idea that a group of people that I got to know in a span of say, two years, changed me so dramatically is radical, radical but great. Going from the held back little freshman I was to the complex (or at least that’s how I like view myself) person I am now is astonishing because you can only truly notice yourself in the form of years, not days or weeks. Significant change is not something that happens overnight, it happens over time, and as Aristotle or Plato may say, “time is a virtue.” If you ever want to change, do not try to change exponentially because it could possibly ruin you. If the change you want in your life right, it will take time and some effort. Thank you.

Little Furry Bugs

Progress on this little thing is going by quite swell. I figured out who to get inside and pop out the male pin which works the back's release and that keeps the 35mm in place while shooting. I took apart the butt plate, took out the two screws of the small black plate seen in the photo above and from there I could see the inside of the empty 35mm hold, and the male pin that was sunk inside. Propped that up, and then the back came loose. Everything looks good too. No broken parts, the film roll crank thing whatever works, and the shutter works fine too. I got batteries, and the light meter works. And en fin, I ordered the new rewind knob so I don't have to open the butt plate to fish out the shaft every time I want to open the back cover. Guy's really friendly too: I emailed him concerning the camera's condition and this guy guided me through everything and helped me find out that this K1000 is one of the older Asahi Pentax models; before Pentax decided to take the Asahi logo off. All is well. And it's fun. I love tinkering with things like this; seeing how they work.

Yesterday was good. And I entirely forgot that Shannon was holding that whole Wegman's get-together; I was going there for food with my mom because everywhere else seemed stale so we decided that Wegman's would be good. And. Welp. I got to talk to Logan. She went off to a table by herself, away from the group, and I decided to go over. Danielle's giving her shit, and she's upset with her best-friends, and I tried my best to help her and she thanked me and that's all I could ever ask for. And that was the first deep little talk we've had since we broke up in 9th grade. And it seems soo long ago looking back on it now. But, what I'm to get to is that there was one seemingly insignificant moment when we were standing next to each-other in that people circle everyone makes and she slowly moved her hand across my back and to my left side, got close to me, and rested her head on my shoulder while I put my arm around her and said 'He's my boyfriend,' and my heart melted. I know it's just a joking, friendly thing to her, but I couldn't help but take it emotionally. The thing is though that I felt really warm and fuzzy on the inside and I kind of want her back for this last year here. It'll probably never happen, but I'll keep it to myself to make me happy when I go to bed every night.

I getting active on here again.

When Will You Come?

I'm teetering on the borderline of dropping it all off the edge immaturely and actually trying for this last year of high-school. People are annoying me much more than a person should normally annoy someone. No one likes anything I like, no one walks with me in the halls, no one anything.

I love the friends I have right now in the Senior class, even though I feel like the time we're spending together is sharply cut down to a minuscule size compared to last year, so, every class I have with amazing people (AP US Government, and one person: Shannon), is amazing, but every other class I have to sit through, is mental hell. Now Catie, don't take this the wrong way, but I love you, and I hope you know I do, but English.. I can't do that class happily, as much as I love Mr. Howard, I have no primary friends that talk to me, so I sit in the back and make gay jokes with Danny and Chris, but it's not sitting next to Tyler, Shannon, Lindsey, Justin, etc. And I feel like the Reed sisters hate me because of the breakup with Logan, and I'm pretty sure Danielle is enough of a bitch to hold that for such a long time.

Aside from that, Logan told me today that Tyler was talking to her and he mentioned me with some negative connotations, specifically that feels bad for me because I sit at home all day and that I'm lonely. Thanks, Tyler. I'm making the educated decision to not say anything about it to him, nor act differently or hurt towards him, because sadly, I'd be dead without him. I've never said anything bad about him, ever, and that I swear on my mother's and father's grave. Yet, people apparently don't hold values to the same truth and respect I do, thus, I lose a little more faith in humanity.

Sociology; group projects and of course, I know no-one. After some careful persuasion although, I'm writing about 4 pages on hippies by myself. A lot of work for a shit class but loneliness and hatred for people comes with a price.

I like photography. And I feel bad that I'm saying that because I've never taken a class on it or anything nor that I want to labeled as a faggot hipster about it all, but it makes me happy, so, why the fuck not? I enjoy playing around with the ISO and aperture and getting that perfect picture of anything really, even if it's a fucking leaf. I'd like to get the thrift store Pentax working, but it might take a little while, regardless, I foresee a future of low grain film with that camera, and working on getting the ISO and aperture right on it without the digital aspect of a DSLR.

Aside from that; videogames.

This has been a post and sorry that it's been a while.

Lullabye for Insomniacs.

Well, I'm actually surprised by how long ago I last blogged, knowing me, I usually do it every other week. Nothing much has happened I guess, but since it's been a really derpy day, I guess I could see what I have to vent about.

Romania was full of meeting distant relatives who act more like a stranger in the park to you than an aunt or uncle or a close family friend should. A constant slew of 'compliments' also held to their shady visage. "Well you're a lot bigger than last time!" Or how could anyone forget the famous "Sorry that this shirt I got you 2 months ago for your birthday doesn't fit you D: " Go fuck yourself. Burn in the deepest fecal matter covered pit so that you choke to death from the burning methane and deprived of the oxygen you take for granted every day of your pathetic existence. I'm sorry, but I was an angry mess all trip. Two days though were pleasant; one, I got to longboard and fuck around on one of the main 4 lane roads that went parallel to the Danube River since they blocked off the two ends of it for repairs so the whole thing was shut down. It was really calming, and it wasn't humid at all like it is in Virginia, yeah, it was sunny and hot, but I could at least breath. When I went longboarding about 2 weeks ago, I struggled back home nauseous and dizzy, so, never trying that again in this heat. The second alright day was at a 'surprise' Bon Jovi concert, even though surprises are usually supposed to be pleasant.. The music sucked, but the girl I hooked up with was amazing. So. That took my night. Luckily the Marriott Hotel in Bucharest gives you a free box of condoms with every room purchase.

Uhmmm. I miss everyone. I miss school. School's fun for me, I love learning new things and meeting new people through that process, something not realized by many but how life is, you'll constantly be learning new things and constantly making friends who share common likes. And, that's something I really like. I made a few new friends on Tumblr and Facebook and well of course, in real life because of a show Jesse, Brandon and I played 2 days ago. It was really amazing, and not coming from a big ego standpoint, but I think we were the best there. No other band had mid-song cheering because of a change of tempo/style or moshing. So. Success :) Another show, and probably our last, will be on August 13th for Ryad's birthday, and I hope that by then I can get an extension cabinet for my tiny little 15watt Vox. Not that the AC15c1 is a bad amp, nonono, analog technology will always sound better than digital/hardstate, it's just that 15watts isn't enough, I bought it as a home practice amp, not a gigging amp... At least I have $300 in my account so I can by myself a present and hopefully cheer me up.

I feel really lonely though. I have the best bros a guy could ask for, really, and when I'm with them, I'm the happiest bro-saturated guy ever. Especially at shows, being there with those 2 and playing for a group of people; the adrenaline is amazing, it's a rush of testosterone, as a simple way of explaining it, and it's an estranged feeling for me because I'm always the modest dickhead in the back, but when I'm playing, it's something completely different. Besides Brandon and Jesse, I also have the other college freshman that I'll never forget, and I'm always talking to them, so, communication is key for personal relationships. But, I'm lonely in the sense of feeling loved. I really don't want to sound like the typical teenager whining on and on about how I haven't found my HERPDERPTRUELOVE but it's depriving morally.... These years are meant to date a lot of people generally, and to see what traits you want in thee one. But, I'm sort of a bad boyfriend from what I've shown in past relationships, and it's understandable, I don't want to blame anyone who's dated me because it's not their fault at all. I'd rather blame myself than come to the realization I've been used. I just miss the feeling of being wanted. As for Cassidy, I haven't talked to her since we broke up and honestly, I don't regret it at all. She's not the steady kind of girl..

Good music, good film, and good video games have made me happy so far. Like (and I hate to use that word), whenever I look at the title picture I posted for this entry, it makes me, strangely, happy and it's because that's Tera Melos, and they make amazing music, and they're happy guys, and it makes me happy. It's all very weird, but it works for me in the end and I guess that's the mystery of life.

I wish I went to Woodbridge, a lot of hipsters and cute girls.. But then I wouldn't have gotten to meet everyone I did here, and I wouldn't have the bonds I have with everyone now, so it's all a fair gamble. This has been a post.

Com Truise.

When I read back my blog, it sort of scares me, really. All it is is a wave of happiness and sadness, and it seems repetitive, but whatever I guess.

Seniors are gone. Forever. Never to see them around school. And it's really depressing to me. 70% of my friends consisted of Seniors, and a lot of them I just got close with this year, like Komal, Jesse, and Tahmeed, and it really is depressing me. There's always Facebook and Tumblr but it's not the same as seeing them almost everyday in school and hugging them knowing they're true friends who at least might truly care about me in terms of being significant to them. Bro-night sometime next weekend, and I'm going to drag people by the neck to come to it as one last night together. Two graduation parties last-weekend though, and those were awesome~

Aside from that, I'm lonely, and I miss that feeling of having someone to talk to literally all day that's interesting to some degree. And I miss cuddling, and holding hands, and cute little kisses, and all that bullshit, but it's not going to get to me again because of everything that happened. I can wait for college, no problem.

I really want to dedicate an unhealthy amount of time to longboarding this Summer, but shitty moods that are very frequent don't help at all.

There's no point in doing anything. I'm just a awkwardly fat, pathetic loser. I feel like I could sit in bed all Summer and no one would give a shit except my parents because no matter what I do, it's shite. I'll never be what I'd like to. I'll never accomplish what I'd like to. And the man who invented mirrors is overlord of self-hate.

Eh, here's to the Junior school year~

Codes and Keys.

Except she is a whore. And I'd argue that with you for eternity.

And now I feel shitty. Buthai, 2 new songs with the band, and successful fishing today. I cannot wait to block people after this year, there's tens of people that I'm going to miss incredibly much like Tahmeed, Jesse, Brandon, Michael, Allan, Drew, Kevin, Nicole, Thomas, Tim, Connor, Connor (yes, 2) Austin, Silvia, Komal (did I mention how all the bros acknowledge that she's truly beautiful?), Russell, Jacob, Marcella, Jordyn, Anthony (Forest Park bro), Kelsey, Samantha, and Sergio, but a handful of others that I can't wait to get away from~

Michicant

So, it's been improving, life and all. I ordered the $39 edition of Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver's) new album, Bon Iver, self-titled of course, which comes with a limited edition album LP and Calgary single LP, poster, and a t-shirt. I'm glad I pre-ordered it too, the album leaked online and it's beautiful, truly beautiful.

Above is my Radiohead Newspaper Album that came in not to long ago, and that was $50, but it's limited edition so nigga, I don't care~ That came with the CD, two clear 10" vinyls, the official Universal Sigh newspaper, and tiny artwork tablets. Radiohead is the best band, for me, ever. They're perfect. All their musical phases fit my taste, and they really have changed profusely since their first album, but I know I truly love them because I love everything they've released, no matter how dramatic the change.

And my new longboard is the sex.

And Shannon and Rindsey came over today for a little :3

Holocene

Today was a bad day in general, and I'm sorry about that.

Uhm, well, it being all wet outside, I can't go long-boarding to take my mind off things, my mom hides texts from my dad that confirm that I can drive alone, people are senseless, and I wore the best yellow flannel, basketball shorts, and flip-flops today, I wish I could wear this every day. Aside from that, I feel very lonely lately, pity, because I've been on a fairly good feel-good streak for a week or so.

Yesterday was nice. Bwandon, Jesse, Connor and I performed with the Symphonic Band last night playing one of our songs and the band incorporated, which, was pretty glorious. Afterwards, the four of us just went out to Subway till 10 and just talked and had a bro time. Bros are important, and I'm finding out more and more how important they are, hoes are a dime a dozen, but bros are forever. The drive there, I was in the truck with Jesse while Connor and Bwandon were in their own truck, and again, like after Indiefest, we just talked deeply about things, and, it was good, but it also put my mind back on things that I completely blocked out for a while, and, that sort of sucked, but I'm happier, and that's a lot to ask for. Kenya though, that Senior girl, before we got to school to set up and practice, Jesse picked me up to go to Connor's because Brandon was there teaching Connor the vocals, and Kenya was also there. I walked in with Jesse, and she was getting ready to leave, and all three of them were wishing her a happy birthday, and I just sat on the couch with a glass of raspberry Arizona minding my own business not saying a word to her, and later that night she adds me on Facebook? Bitch, I didn't even say hi or bye or happy birthday to you. Eh. I don't know why I'm fussing over it as much.

I was going to rant about something. But I forgot..

Yes. Seniors. And it always hold a strong topic in my mind. I'm fucking sad that they're leaving. All the amazing people I got to meet this year and all the amazing Seniors I got close to this year, I didn't make one single friend from the Junior class. Fuck the Junior class except the small number that I have as amazing friends in it, it's full of just, bad people that I would never even want as friends, they're all fucking idiots, immature uncultured idiots. It's soo fucking sad. The Seniors are leaving, and I have no one to talk to me about things that I like, no one's going to be there to talk to me about Radiohead or Death Cab or Stanley Kubrick movies or Wes Anderson movies or obscure British humour movies. And, not to sound like a dick, but I'm always the third hand when it comes to my friend groups as a Junior, the only contributions I always make are jokes, funny things, but no one fucking likes anything that I like, I'm just sitting there like a fuck listening to people talk about things they have in common the same way I talk to Seniors about stuff, and it's depressing. Really depressing. I don't want to feel lonely. And that's really the main reason I just leave at lunch and go sit with Tahmeed and Michael and Jesse. The conversations feature discussions, civilized opinionated arguments (hint; no one throws hissy fits if you bash something they like or believe in), and I'm sorry if this comes off as mean, but it's true. I don't want to sit there and listen and watch people be engaged in really, what I see them as, as interesting conversations between themselves, and I'm just sitting there, completely oblivious to what they're talking about. So, yeah. Today's a bad day.

For What Reason?

I think I've finally gotten to that point where I don't give a fuck anymore. And I couldn't be happier about that. And that's my dad, mom, and I in New York after the Romanian festival, and that's the placed order of my new long-board :)

All I keep reminding myself now is "You brought this on yourself." Brilliant lyrics for the moment.

Freak Love.

I've been doing really bad today, and I don't know why really. I feel really empty and lonely, and people trying to talk to me about it just makes me feel worse, but I want to talk about it, it's weird.

I fell asleep good in 7th today and had a dick drawn on my finger.

And it scares me that she doesn't care at all, that she probably didn't care nor want to get attached to me for a long time, that my best efforts were nothing to her. It's really shitty of a feeling, and I've never felt this was because I've never fallen for someone as hard as I fell for her, and I put everything including my feelings into us, just to have her say that she isn't trying to get attached.. It haunts me now, the whole "I'm trying not to get too attached to you" thing, it's really painful to think about, and I think it's in-part that I've never been in a relationship like the one with her, I was hopelessly in-love, and she was just playing with me.. To have all of this going through my head, I can't help but think of how shitty of a boyfriend I can be, if I can't make her happy. I don't know, I think I'm just lurking into thoughts now. It's all really scary. I'm sorry I wasted a little more than 2 months of your life, and I hope you can meet someone who'll make you much happier than I ever could have made you..

Svefn-g-englar.

Longboard is really, really nice. I'd like over this summer, to further advance my skills in it, in the sense to learn how to push with my other foot for when my left foot gets tired of staying on the board, how to crouch down while bombing hills, speed pump, there's soo many things I want to learn.

My current longboard is in no condition for these more advanced things, just like management wanted it to be so I have to dish out another some $250 for a much nicer board or for a little more get what is probably the best on the market for cruising. I can't wait for my birthday... It'll either be one of those two, or one of those hipster Nikon/Canon cameras every pretentious hipster has and calls themselves photographers. It would be nice though, but not in the hipster sense, just a good camera for family things because the Caliga household has had a very long history of problems with cameras in the sense that we've never had a good one until now when I found a setting on our current one that works well, but it's far from acceptable. I don't know. This summer'll be nice actually, we're leaving to Romania for 2 weeks towards the end of June, which is nice since it'll be for a short amount of time, and I'm thinking of bringing my current longboard if we can fit it the board disassembled in the luggage. The trip is solely to be godparents for a very close family friend's newborn, we're going to go through the whole Church thing with the priest and the bowl of holy water and whatnot, it should be nice. After that, my parents are getting work done on their dentures (my parents lived during Communist rule when all the dentists were drunk and hygiene was almost nonexistent, I'm not joking), and while they're busy doing that, I'm going to be cruising along the Faleza, which is basically a massive boardwalk along a river, in the picture you can see the roadway and then there's a steep drop where there's a nice asphalt trail for people to walk along, admiring the European beauty, it's a beautiful little town, Galati. I hope the I don't die in the plane though.

Uhm. Dad's getting deployed in the start of my Senior year, and we're ending the topic at that. I'm getting his car though, so, I'll have a summer job that'll hopefully run into my Senior year's weekends, never-mind the freedom that I'll have with my license.

And I want to grow a beard, but you all already know this. Then I can be the cool guy who works at Jiffy Lube with beard and flannel, and the hipster with impeccable music taste, a beard, flannel, and who longboards. I want a chill life. Not that I don't want to try hard, but I want to have my relaxing points and I want them to dominate my life when I'm not busy. Stress can lead to very bad things, and I don't want that. I want people to like me, to feel comfortable when they're with me, or even if they see me. I like being friendly and humble, even though my social grace is.. lacking sometimes.

But. Overall now, life's good. I'm happier. I'm not worrying about her and us anymore. She moves on quickly though, and I'll drop it at that. Aside from the joys and happiness that planning ahead in my life brings, I feel really lonely now. I don't have anyone that talks to me all day, someone that says I love you and goodnight everynight, someone that's attracted to me in someway, someone that I can kiss and hold and cuddle with to cute movies, stuff like that, relationship stuff. I've gone a long time without it, and when it happens, it's all to brief, now look at mine, I'm literally craving it, but I can't have it, and I don't want to rush into anything, I'll wait, I've always waited for true love.

Right now I'm just hoping that college will be good for me, love wise. I don't see myself dating anyone in high-school, the Senior class is basically a top-mark for me, everyone in it is amazing, and that's not an overstatement, I don't see the kinds of people in the Senior class in my Junior class, they're all a lot more mature than the populace of the Junior class, fun to chill with, share music with, and to talk about life with, not that I don't have very close friends in my Junior class, because I do. It's just that I have a lot more closer friends as Seniors than I do as Juniors. It's all very sad, but I'll get through Senior year, and then I can go to college and, in my little fantasy space of a mind, meet some hipster girl who wears cute little floral blouses and dresses, listens to the kind of music I listen to so we can have never ending discussions about our favourite bands, who likes tea, who likes to cuddle to good movies, and who'll hopefully love and care about me as much as I'd love and care about her. It's all I could wish for right now.

The Ice is Getting Thiner.

Welp, I cried like a bitch last-night. I don't think I've ever cried harder. And I couldn't sleep either, so, I got 4 hours of sleep last-night, and 3 on Monday night..

Sometimes I'm really afraid that I have some kind of mental disorder, I was happy as hell, and it felt soo good, but with something that, apparently is normal, happening, it ruins my mood instantly. And I'm really scared. I don't want to be some deranged psychotic.

But, lets talk about it in hopes of easing everything, because writing usually helps. Yesterday was TMI Tuesday on Tumblr. And, Cassidy kept answering these sexual questions, and, that first struck me in the sense of it's scary how open she's being about her personal life to complete strangers, and it's really scary to me, but, it didn't bother me that much, we were still talked on Facebook through all that, she apologized for the asks, and I went to go take a shower. When I come back, I scroll down my dashboard used all the evidence to conclude what happened; First off, someone apparently asked Tommy (Cassidy's ex) what his best fuck was, to which he replied in detail of. After that, Cassidy apparently messaged him on Tumblr that someone asked her the same thing, and she thought of that day too, Tommy replying something along the lines of 'good times.' Through everyone I've talked to about it, it seems normal to them, but I'm fucking loosing my mind over it. How is it normal to reminisce about your favourite fuck with a now ex boyfriend? And I'm alone in it, I'm the only one who feels this way, and it's a fucking lonely feeling. Why do you still think about it? Why would you even bring it up, besides the fact that an anon asked, why would you message him about it? It's tearing me apart, really, and I can't handle it, nor can I get over it, and I'm afraid I never will. I texted her how I feel about it all and, it's all my fault. That's the way she is. And then she calls it me being a protective boyfriend, which is good? How the fuck am I being protective if I'm crying at the though of it? And then she said to think whatever I want to about it, yet she still wants ~us~ to be ok? So, you're going to completely ignore my feelings about it, not apologize in anyway about the Tommy thing, still make it seem like it's normal, and expect us to be ok? I don't know how I feel about this, at all. It's normal. And I'm nothing.

I'm a bad person for feeling this way if no one else agrees with me that it's not normal to post stuff like that while you're in a relationship. I'm alone in it all, and there's nothing that I can do to change it. I can't tell myself that it's normal, and I should get over it.

And I feel completely worthless in her eyes. I really am just a toy for her, and she's just using me for her physical pleasure, and that's just fucked up. What's a relationship if there's no emotion? I don't want to just have a fuck buddy, I want someone to love, even if it's for the short amount of time we have. We knew it would end, and you said it didn't matter how long we have, that it wouldn't matter. And I basically gave you my heart, I tried my best, and it's apparently not good enough for you if you come to me saying you're not trying to get attached to me because you don't want the break-up to be bad? Complete mind-fuck. Completely contrary to what we talked about at the beginning of our relationship, and then you just shatter it all. Ever since she said that, we haven't been the same. The ups and downs of a normal relationship are much steeper.

Shannon. I love you.

And Komal and Michael too, you guys are all amazing

<3

It's all over. I stood up for myself.

House of Cards.

I really wish I could have more happy posts.

Things are looking up though I guess. We're all over our problems. She apologized. Soooo. Yeah. But. I'm still over-analyzing things, and since you're reading this, might as well. One aspect is still different, we don't have those cute, deep, loving talks anymore, the ones where you remind each-other how much you mean for one another, I've tried but she just cut it off, I guess. And, what if she's still dating me not because she wants to, but because it would be awkward if we broke up? What if it's that prom shit? I'm always going to find bullshit like this to ruin my mood. I hate myself. No matter what anyone else will try to say to comfort me, I'll always hate myself, we'll always hate ourselves someway or another, some reasons more defined than others.

At this current state, my uhm, 'prognosis' is that she's just using me as of now, physically, and, as a guy who doesn't like to be played into stereotypes, I'm not in it for the physical aspect, it's fulfilling yes, but I ~need~ that emotional connection, and I feel that we're lacking that now. I was actually really proud of myself yesterday; we hung out at my house and of course, got to a point where we're both really horny, and, how to put this without sounding weird and really gross, I ate her out to the point where she had an orgasm (or I think, it's hard to tell with girls but I could tell she was reeeally into it, and was really tired afterwards) but it was all about her that day really, in other words, not that much focus on le dick~ and I'm proud of that, really proud of that. She even asked later that evening if I wanted her to do something to me but I refused. I don't know dude. I felt really good, but, hopefully we'll get to the point where we can establish that emotional connection again, even though our time's running thin..

I really wish she never said that she's trying not to get emotionally attached to me, even though she apologized for that and even cried about it, all of my blames fall on that statement now, and it's really draining.. I wish it isn't true, why can't she be like me and not give a fuck about the moment we break up? I want to make the best of our time, and we got in this relationship because we made each-other happy, and, if you're trying to, essentially, block me out, what's the point, my dear?

Goodnight, and fuck you Ms. Link.

And I can't sleep..

~I really can't sleep, and you're probably already asleep but,

I just feel like your using me, I just don't feel that emotional bridge from you anymore, as if I'm worthless to you, please tell me that I'm wrong and that I'm just over analyzing everything..~

that text has been hovering in my messages waiting for a send for half an hour now.. I'm afraid to send it though, what if something happens to us? What if she breaks up with me? I'm soo scared and pointless in this world.. Fuck. I think I might send it.. I don't want us to end, I just want her to care the same she did when we started dating..

High Times.

Here's Alex again, and his herpderp emotional breakdowns. I don't even wan to talk about it though. I feel like dying, I'm sad, I've cried for the past hour about the same thing, and I'm worthless, I don't matter to her, I'm nothing to her, my feelings don't mean a thing, all of my efforts in this relationship have only come to her telling me she's trying not to get attached to me. I don't know anymore. She can go to prom with someone else, that's actually a really big fear of mine, what if she's still with me because she already got her dress? I wish I wouldn't go through this.. It starts making me believe that I deserve all of this.

I'm feel soo lonely..

Army Corps of Architects.

Hey look! It's the Eagle Nebula! Fuck yeah! Nebulas and shit! Actually quite interesting, all of that is dust in space, and it creates stars, which creates solar systems. I dunno. It's also portrayed as the "There is no image macro for what I am feeling," because there really isn't right now.

Today was good though. Brandon called me up at 10 in the morning asking if I could hang out with him since Jesse and his parents are out until Tuesday, so, he has the whole house to himself. I got there, and we just had a really, really, reeeally chill time together, he's almost a different person when he's with only one other, like, him and Jesse compared to him by himself. We got to bond a little more today, and it was nice. We also started talking about Cassidy, and I got his advice on what to do, and it feels good to have people help you through things like this, it makes you feel soo less alone in this world. Uhm yeah, towards the end we went outside in his backyard and just layed down on his patio talking about how we wished we could grab the sky and pull ourselves up to it. But good, 10-4o'clock hangout. After that, I got home and I messed around with this free 'broken' micro Korg a friend gave me, and it works fucking perfectly for something allegedly broken, I even ran it through my $1,000+ pedalboard for even more awesomeness, and then at 5 I went off to Cassidy's.

We hung out at her house, and it was actually nice. I came in, said hi to her really nice parents, and then we went downstairs to watch some TV, which, went better than expected. At first we sat on the couch, and she just layed down and put her feet in my lap, if you get the picture, then I moved to the floor because I found pillows and I was sleepy, and I thought I'd try it, so I told her to come down and cuddle with me, and wow, she did :) Then we just cuddled on the floor for a little, and then we went off to diner. Diner was nice. That is all. Then she took me home because she had to pack. Here's where the fun starts. We got to my house, and she asked me if we were ok, as a couple. And I told her that I think we are, I want us to be. Then I just told her everything, that I feel unfulfilled, that it's a really one sided relationship, how she treats me, and everything, and she broke down, and I felt horrible. She started crying, saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again, and how she's sorry for being a bad girlfriend, and I tried to comfort her, I really didn't even care about anything else, but to have a girl actually cry on my shoulder, it's wow.. I felt really bad though because she was crying all because of me.. Ugh. Then it just went to how she was sad because she couldn't make me happy.. And that's where I kinda felt cry-y, but I didn't, I just held her really tightly and whispered to her that everything was going to be ok, how I still loved her, and how I still cared about her, and then she told me that she still cared about me too and that she was soo sorry and how she just needs time now. Tonight was really emotionally draining. Now, having her know everything and seeing how she responded to it all, I want her really badly, I want to hold her, to call her my girlfriend again. And, I can't help but worry that she'll break up with me, and really, I'm really afraid of that now, because I still want to be with her. It's exactly what Jesse told me, 'they'll reject you, but you'll only want them even more.' I really hope she gets better, but I'm going to give her time and space until she feels ready to talk to me again. I hope we turn out ok in the end, and that we're still together, because she makes me happy, and I truly care about her, and, yeah, I want to be with her, and I really hope she feels the same.

Oh, and I learned how to play and sing Skinny Love by Bon Iver. And I'm hanging out with Tyler tomorrow because he wanted to when I told him all of this, and, he's awesome <3

So. I guess an amazing weekend in the end.

Passenger Seat.

I would use a picture from Indiefest, but no one has uploaded anything yet.

But yeah, Indiefest was awesome. All the people, the bands, the music, the equipment, it was amazing. I would twaddle on longer around it (did you know twaddle doesn't get the little red lines below it?) but words cannot express the emotions going through one when playing live for a group of people.

Things with Cassidy are the still the same. I talked to Komal about it, and she helped, she's been through a lot of things, so, thank you Komal <3 (even though you can't see this). And after we packed everything from Indiefest and drove off (Brandon was in a different car so it was just me and Jesse), I really got to talk to Jesse on a deeper level, which was really nice. We also talked about my situation with Cassidy, and that also helped because he's been through a lot too, there comes a time when you just gotta do whatcha gotta do. Plans are that I'm going to give it another week or two, and if we're still talking like casual friends, I'm done. It's a fucking ~horrible~ feeling to actually know that hey, you're putting all of your heart into it, only to be greeted by nothing. Stress on how she's trying 'not to get too attached to me.' Well fuck. We shouldn't have even dated. Why even be together if you're purposely trying not to get attached to me? I poured my heart out to you, and, well, paranoia was right for once, I do care more than you, your love is not the same as it seems inside my brain. But. Tomorrow I'm going over her house, and I'm just going to confront her about it, talking to Komal and Jesse really made me feel like I'm not the only one, and that it's really whatever. So. We'll see how that goes. She came to Indiefest though to see us play, and when I personally opened the door for her and greeted her, she made it seem like I'm a creeper. Then I hugged her, told her that I missed her (it's funny cause I really meant it) and and tried to kiss her, which just felt more like it was me trying to force a kiss on her.. Ohwell I guess. I'm just shit to you. Then we really didn't talk until we played, and afterwards she came to me to tell me she was going to leave, which was weird because she actually tried to kiss me before she left, but I just leaned away from it to make it as little contact as possible. You can't do one thing only to follow it with the opposite. And now here I am, only depressing myself even further.

I feel like it'll never be the same, really. It's going to be like this until we break up, which I'm starting not to even care when it gets to the point when I'm putting everything into only to be received the way she treats ~us~ with a casual friendship. She's not going to change. All my efforts are for nothing. I deserve this. I drove myself right into it. As much as I don't even want to go any further, to try to fix things, I just really hope everything could go back to the normal, cute, loving couple we were. I know that we talked and said everything would be fine from now on, and I tried the day after, I called you dear, darling, sweetie, and I complimented you on how beautiful you looked in the pictures, and I tried all day, but God, do not expect me to keep trying. Now I'm at the point;

"but yeah, the only thing i can tell you at this point is. try to close yourself off like she is doing. i'm sure she's hurting, too (or at least, i have enough faith in her to have such emotions).

if you're prepared, then maybe it won't hurt as much.

but i am sorry to say that this is kind of inevitable. /:"

~Komal

And I'll do just that. I wish everything could get better, and I'll keep my optimism up for 2 more weeks, but it's just tearing at me, it's degrading, and I really hope you knew how hard I'm fighting this losing battle..

Jesse really understood. And I found out we both were really the same in the sense that we over-analyze things. He also helped me incredibly much with the 'not getting attached when I'm just loving her more' because he's also been through it, it's comforting to talk to people who know what I mean, who have been through the same emotions that I have. Shannon, I don't mean this in the sense that you didn't help, because you couldn't imagine how good just letting me vent to you is, so please, don't take this the wrong way? I love you~

Just the thought gives me the creeps.

I'm not her dearie, or darling, or sweetheart anymore, and she never missed me. And really. I'm done. I'm just done. Why try anymore? It's sort of like a feeling of failing, of not feeling accomplished, not feeling fulfilled. And it's really degrading. It's tearing me apart. She doesn't love me, but I still love her. Why can't she at least play me for these last few months we have together? At least pretend that she cares about me, pretend like we're a happy couple, I'd rather have that than this..

I have, since the start of this relationship, put soo much into us, that I'm for once proud of myself. I have thrown my heart, all of my emotions into it, do I really deserve this? After being the best boyfriend that I have ever been compared to my past girlfriends, am I the wronged one? Do I deserve this? I don't know what else to say. It's just soo unsatisfying, being cute and loving to her, only to have her talk to me like a casual friend. And we fucking talked about it too, I fucking took the blame for fucking every thing, 'it was all my fucking fault, I'm sorry,' and you said that we were fine now.. I'm not happy. At all. And, I'm still find myself trying. I'm still putting everything into it, and I really wish that you would too..

She doesn't care as much as I do, and I'm really afraid that it'll be that way until we break up for college.. I want to cry. Crying making everything better for the time being, it's emotionally relaxing. I feel soo lonely, soo sad, soo fucking worthless, I'm nothing. I've waited for love, I waited for someone like you for such a long time, and here you come, and.. I still feel worthless, no matter what anyone tells me, if I can't make you happy, if we can't be a couple in a loving relationship, then what's the fucking point of it all? You made me incredibly happy when you actually cared, true love truly does wait, but now..

It's too far to say I want to just lay down and die, but it's like that sort of feeling.

Go Slowly.

It's not the same anymore. Ever since Sunday, it's not the same..

No matter how happy I may get, I always end up thinking about everything and then I just get depressed again. It's not the same. It doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to. It's as if there's a constant lump in the back of your tongue and it's a constant neusance.

I don't know. I don't want us to end, and I'd do anything to make it all better, but I don't know what that is. It's all my fault. I'm the idiot in all of this. And she really doesn't care about me as much as I thought. I really wish I could disappear right now, not even in the teenage angsty way, just go far away so that all this could boil over and never be thought about again, that it all goes back to the way it used to be, and see if anyone actually missed me, including her. They won't.

Fuck, I'm sorry about being soo whiny. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling all of this, but it bothers me that it doesn't feel comfortable anymore, and yet I still find myself putting on a smile for you, because if I don't, you still never ask 'what's wrong?'

Hopefully tonight I can go to sleep without crying myself to sleep for the third time in a row~

Everything is.

Joy in the small things of life, if one of those small things is tea with marshmallows and downloading more music for my ever soo expansive library, music always makes me happy. I wish I had tiny little peach colored headphones so I could listen to music in class, I'd be much more happy.

Aside from that, coping. I really wish I could be happier when I talk to you, but it's still in the back of my mind, and that's going to take a while to get out, I don't even know if I want to do anything else besides talk to you online and in-person at school, and darling you should know that I have fantasies about being alone sometimes, and when I want to be alone, I still talk to you, because I don't want you to think something's wrong, nothing of significance is wrong, only me, but I'm nothing in comparison to you, keeping you happy is my main goal right now, and I'll put myself second to you.

Ferris Wheel on Fire.

Biggest fucking scare of my life. And I still can't get over it fully. The condom didn't break, I took it off and blew it in a balloon, and it was fine. Now we're hoping and waiting sort of, or at least I am, I can't keep bringing it up to her how I'm losing my fucking mind, she was equally as scared, but she's doing an amazing job at coping right now, and I guess it's because it was just the lube and her wetness..

Something that has actually gotten to bother me. Topless Tuesday. Cassidy apparently already took hers, and she was going to post it. Is it wrong for me to get partially mad at this? It's like jealousy of no one, I don't want her to.. She said she feels weird posting it because a lot of people follow her from school but, is that really the only reason you aren't posting it? Is it wrong to feel this way? I mean, I don't want her to just post herself on Tumblr, I want her to be mine, and it scares me that sometime she's going to be someone else's.. Well fuck, now it's a going away to college vent.. Fuck my fucking emotional status and all this fucking bullshit that constantly clouds my mind, why can't I fucking not worry about all of this shit and just be happy.. No even wants to hear it and I feel like utter shit and I'm crying now. I'm going off to bed now so I can cry in a warm bed. It's really fascinating how I drive a happy life around other people, and constantly be happy, but when I'm alone, I lose it. And I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I just feel like I'm bothering them regardless, so all this magic just stays bottled up in me until I'm too full one day and that's my 'fuck everything and go cry to American Football, Radiohead, Death Cab for Cutie and other good music and tell my parents that I'm just really tired' days. They're really good, relieving days actually. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me, I worry about all the things I shouldn't, I get jealous a lot, I constantly say I'm sorry even when it's your fault because I don't give a shit about my ego when it comes to us, I get paranoid, I cry to myself without telling you, I say everything's fine when it's not because we can't talk about it now, I never remember that I mean something after you say 'You mean soo much to me, don't forget that,' and I still think you don't care as much as I do, and that you don't really mean it when you say 'I love you,' and that I matter to anyone, and that I'd rather disappear completely and never be found while I sail to the moon in a row boat, and I'm just a bad person to fall in-love with.. I'm crying now. I want to cry on someone though, I'm sick of doing it alone.

I'm sorry, tonight's a highlighted bad night, I really needed to get this out for a while now..

Goodnight~