The Gloaming.

So, hey.

Today was pretty fucking awesome if I do say so myself.

Got to hang out with my besties (Tyler, Catie) and Nikolai but I kinda really have to get to know him better.

In the few occations where we talked it was just a casual funny kinda conversation, but never really a friendish kinda conversation. So, there's one mission plan for the summer.

Discovered Bayside, kinda, okish music thou.

Uhm.

I little while back in 10th grade, I met this freshman on Xbox Live (geek) and I gave her my Facebook. She proceeded to say that I look like an asshole.

Now. I try to be the nicest person to everyone I meet, even thou I'm too quite, I try to be the most proper gentleman to anyone. But if you've never met me, or talked to me, and you say I look like an asshole, burn in hell.

So after 2 months, she starts liking my statuses and etc and eventually I can't stay angry at anyone... I can't hold grudges either. So meh. We started talking. I fix her skateboard today. Minor technical problems easily fixed with some oil, new bearing, and new bushings. So. Yay friendship?

Urrr.

Oh and I rediscovered some plaid shirts today. And a nice leather belt. Cool shit. I felt pretty good about myself today.

uhm.

dur.

I came to the realization I have an extremely low self-esteem this evening. I came to the conclusion that I should post a picture of me on 4chan (shithole of the internet. literally), little backstory, and see what they say.

For once I can actually say this site is not full of crap, pedophiles, fat chicks, and nerds.

There were some compliments, positive criticism, Lqtm, some chick said she's fuck me hard? God knows she might be a 200lb virgin but it helps? God that's weird. But, overall it was actually like a... moral boost? Good shit bro.

So that's it for today.

Not completely depressing blog for the first time?

Meh.

Goodnights.

Bodysnatchers.

I believe I made a discovery.

One of the very few things that actually puts me in a good mood.

Such a simple little thing but soo many people now a days are so self-centered, they forget about this.

-"How about you, how's your day?"

It brings me a massive feeling of happiness and joy that someone could actually even care to ask, not even saying that I mind that they wouldn't care what I said, but personally, it's the pure joy that someone might actually care about me.

Holland, 1945.

Sometimes I wish I could be amazing.

To be able to have an amazing talent.

Be known for something "awesome."

To have connections.

(to be able to get out of the fucking house more.)

But, in life, only some actually reach such a status such as stardom. Others, these blue collars, live life only to get by.

To be happy whenever possible.

Live it to the fullest I guess.

Try to experience as many great things as you can, go places, meet people, simplicity.

And once you understand that you will most likely will go down that path, you start to wonder what's going through the heads of people who crave to be the center of attention.

View them as an alien.

I for one, have no problem just being "that guy."

Hopefully after highschool I'll be able to get to a college with some friends, if not, I'm stuck trying to make new friends (lmfao, not me.) or just being quiet like in English for 4 years.

Hopefully I'll be able to find someone. Friend and maybe a deeper level.

Keep in touch with my really good friends. Hopefully by then I'll have more freedom and be able to go places and hangout, chill, whatever.

Life is good either way. :3

Submarine Blues.

Last night, I had another one of my "thinking" nights.

(i dunno, am i a girl about this kinda stuff?)

But, I was sitting in bed with the tv off and pitch dark, meticulously thinking about my life.

All that I've achieved, want to, and current state.

I've look at my past, and how life could have been in Romania,

(aka shit.)

And life here.

And, I'm proud of myself, well, mostly the initiative that my parents took to bring me and our hopes here. And it has paid off.

But, then I start thinking about the future, and I see nothing.

Not trying to sound like another depressed teenager but I truly believe that I will not have someone there for me. Seriously.

I don't think that I can get out of this state of mind I've been in since high-school.

(girls scare the shit out of me. And they always will I think. )

And I will never be able to take the initiative and do anything about it, because I believe that I'm doing everything fine here, just waiting for someone to come by, even thou it probably might never happen.

(truly.)

I look at some of my friends and how they talk about their relationships and girls, etc, and, I don't understand why it's such a big deal to have a girlfriend? Almost everyone wants one, like some other materialistic shit, and when shit hits the fan, all they do is cry out for attention.

(hopefully college could change me.)

I'm doing perfectly fine without one, even thou I do start thinking about these things.

Time will tell.

As the Years Pass by, the Hours Bend.

Some people really need to grow up.

They need to realize life isn't a fucking game, you don't go around saying anything you want, it's shit like that that will land you with court trials.

No one will give a shit about your life. What you wear. Who you know. What you did.

All that will matter is yourself, family, your loved one, and a handfull of friends.

Crying Lightning.

All of these days just go by and nothing happens,

No birdcall, no alarms, no surprises.

And all of these sights and images just stick to you,

Remind you of who you really are,

And who you've wished to be.

Then memories and people come back into your mind of what did happen,

What was once ago,

What is now just ashes of something great that was something that could of been,

Something that had potential, something that had hope and happiness.

Something that you would live for, that gave you a reason to look up to a "brighter" future.

Now you sit there in hope of something to happen.

A birdcall to softly sing, an alarm to remind you of where you are, a surprise to give you hope.

And then I also think about somethings that I shouldn't.

(^poem tiem? I think so.)

Sometimes I sit in bed in pitch dark and I start thinking. My mind wanders, it wanders into alcoves that shouldn't be explored. Memories, thoughts, images, all these can bring back saddening memories.

I sit there, and I think. Then I'll start sobbing.

And, it's not the "chick flick sad ending" sobbing, it's full on crying almost.

(i'm personally glad it never woke up my parents.)

Perfect Disguise.

How can I sit here and just watch all my friends slowly drift away?

Everyone moves on to new friends which I cannot possibly match.

Friends who can hangout, have cars, afford weed, wtf is this shit?

Since when do the "qualifications" for a good friend go from trustworthiness, care and friendship go to that shit?

I guess being a good friend isn't good enough anymore? Is it all a materialistic life?

(pathetic.)

The Cornerstone.

I feel horrible for somethings this end of the year. But I shouldn't, because it's their fault. Three girls have ended up liking me. And all three, I've shot down. Two freshman, and one sophmore.

(feels good being single bro)

But, I felt like utter shit when I found out, and the feeling when I told them no, was pretty bad. I don't think I'm good enough you know. And I know that I'm not good enough, every relationship has reminded me of that. And through all relationships I've been in, (except for one), all of them actually ended up with more pain and grief, than any of the emotional or physical pleasure... I mean yes, emotionally, I'm a much happier person when I have someone that you know, cares and loves me but, it's not nearly worth everything after that relationship. The fucking lies and gossip. It's almost like comparing the high to he shit that remains in you that tells tests that you attained that high, shit will stay in there for a while, and you can't do anything about it.

(did you know that being single is cheaper than dating? Yeah)

It's not that I'd want to find someone that I can be happy with, that has even a slight similarity in the things that I'm interested in, but, it's more that I fear being in a relationship. I fear not being good enough, I fear people talking, I fear society.

I love my little bubble, I love my friends, I love my loneliness. I love it all really. And it's because it's all familiar territory. I've roamed that territory, I know the boundaries.

But when I cross into unfamiliar territory, I fear myself.

(if that makes sense?)

...

(sidenote, if no one wants to listen to me, this place will <3)

And as sad as it sounds, you, or anyone else shouldn't feel sorry for that, because I for one, love loneliness. It give me freedom. And I love silence. It gives me time to think.

The Meaning of Freedom.

Is there any right or wrong? No, we are taught it.

Is there any reason why you should give a shit what other people think? No, it's just convenient so that they can achieve their own goals, whatever they may be.

If you really want to be free, all you need to do is ask yourself, "Is there something I would rather be doing?" Then choose if you should be doing what you would rather be doing. If you acknowledge that there is something that you would rather be doing, but don't do it - aren't you then doing what you would rather be doing?



You are free, it is an illusion that you are not because you can do anything you fucking want to do. You do for whatever reason and that is why you are free.

Live your life the way you please.

Morals and social boundaries are not part of our species, they are taught.

Forget them they are meaningless.

Back in the U.S.S.R. Again.

Well, seeing how I'm bored, I guess I'll keep on ranting or whatever. Just for you<3

People have asked me on numerous occasions why I'm soo quiet.

(i don't mind, I ask myself sometimes too)

Well, I don't like talking if I'm in an environment where I feel... uhur... What's the word? Intimidated. Seeing how this is personal, I am extremely intimidated by the fact that Logan and some of her friends are in the class.

(durr)

I know what happened with us, and I still believe that I made the right choice. But lets not get into too deep things.

Unlike other classes where I'm around people that are friends, people that I know I can act as myself, I am a much (well a little more normal than English) more open, smiling, talky.

So, yeah, that's pretty much why I'm as quiet as a 60 year old man playing backgammon.

One thing that deeply pisses me off, are people who crave attention. People that will say something suggestive (Man today was awesome) or phrases that will almost require you to ask what happened. Unless you're a friend of mine, I do not, give the slightest of a shit. This also plays in with why I'm quiet. I believe that no one cares what I did, what I own, what I bought, what I believe in, which is why I have the problem about people who crave attention. But I dunno, that's just me.

(hi Catie!)