Scientist Studies.

~British Accent~ Sometimes, I cannot help but feel, terribly alone.

Then I start dreaming off, imagining how life would be different if she was here. You know? I'd set up scenarios in my little mind. It's all very sad though. But, I'm too awkward even when I talk to people, let alone girls sometimes. That's why it's hard for me to make friends. I fear people think I give off a 'weirdo' vibe. Like. I'm not some kind of psychotic kid. I don't even know why I added that last tidbit it. But, if people come to understand me, and not think I'm weird, I'd love to have another friend.

What'd you get for Christmas? I got v-neck and underwear. It's comfortable though :) Aside from that, I got a $200 Fernandes Sustainer, $116 Bigsby B5, and anywhere between $350-450 for professional work done on my guitar to install those two. A lot more complex than it sounds, really. He has to drill cavities inside my guitar to fit a bunch of new stuff. I'm excited :)

Seeing happy couples, not necessarily annoys me, but it saddens me at times. I've grown to such deplorable level that it's like trying to survive in the wilderness when someone compliments me on anything. I feel like, they don't really mean it, you know? Like they're only saying it out of pitty, or because they feel bad for me or something. And I'm just awkward overall sometimes. I'll sit in class and my mind dozes off, if someone says something to me which they believe should provoke a response or conversation from me, they're quickly let down. I'll hear what they say, then I'll repeat it in my mind times and times over. And the comedic thing is that I turn out to be staring at a wall repeating these things, or I'll just stare at them. It adds to the awkwardness. It's all very jolly in the end!

What makes me sad? Good books, good movies, old people alone, puppies that are sad, kittens that are sad, anime, not having anymore Pomegranate and Blueberry juice, realizing how alone I am, seeing other people sad, having my parents not care about something I'm excited about, finishing my sandwich and then realizing how quickly I finished it, when my soda looses it's fizz, when I get a boner and my pants rip, when my Xbox controller batteries run out and the night is young, and when I'm in the shower and my shampoo/condition is empty.

And you know what else really hurts? I don't have anyone that I can talk to about deeper things. Like, a best-friend which we talk about our ~lives. Not; 'WHAT UP.' And. Like. mm. I wonder how other people have such deep friendships where they can talk about things like that with other people. Is it jealousy? Yes. Entirely. I believe. I'm always alone. Not even in the 'OMG GUYS I'M DEPRESSED LOOK AT ME PITY ME.' no. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. And I don't want anyone to think differently of me because I'm soo depressing in my blog but, understand my situation, and. Yeah. I'm surprised I'm even able to talk about my feelings on here. I never talk about them to any of my friends. So. This is my vent? I guess. I need to stop, I'm becoming gloomy even thinking about this.

Now, if you'll excuse me (and you will because what you're reading now is history), I'm going to go to bed and dream about an ideal world where I have everything I could imagine, and not materialistic thing, but emotional.

Thom Yorke.

I am invited to a party which is being hosted by some old friends. As usual, I get to the party early and stand awkwardly outside the gates to the house. It is dark but warm, and unknown creatures speak to one another in the night. I step hesitantly into the overgrown garden, and notice a light on in the house. Although the party may not have started, I convince myself that my hosts need help with the preparations. I am a dab hand at samosas.
Easing my way through the conifers that bar my progress, I approach the lighted house. Intending to play a minor joke, I peer in through the window, and I am surprised to see two Aliens from Outer Space conversing in the drawing-room. They appear to be engrossed in a clever discussion, and I withdraw quietly, not wanting to disturb them. After loitering outside the front gate for some time, I make my way back home, now sure that the party is either not going to happen or that I have inadvertantly entered another dimension.
About a week later, I come across one of my old friends in a cafe. He asks me why I wasn't at their party. I make my excuses and leave. My brother calls me at home, and we discuss our respective social lives. My brother complains of a boredom with life, while I counterpoint with a distrust of parties in general and clever Aliens in particular.
Eventually, we agree to finish the conversation, but as I put the phone on the hook I am seized with terror. Quivering, I run a bath, aware that both my reactions and my emotions are ill-placed

Delicacy.

Sometimes, it sets in I guess. It's like phases. Really. I don't know any other way to explain it. For several weeks I'll be happy, in a good 'chill' mood, postivish thinking, then for another few weeks, I'll just be.. shitty I guess.

Suprisingly enough Facebook doesn't help, it just helps me realize how 'good' other people have it, I guess, I don't mean to sound self-centered, but it just, makes me jealous of some people. Oh well. Calm music, yes?

Click it, if you want to though, I don't wanna seem imposing on you.. I don't want to post it on Facebook, James already posted a link to this actually nice song, and I don't wanna seem to 'hurdur look at me guise' so, Blogspot.

Guitar, yes? I finally pick up my majestic piece of wood and metal, and I instantly fell in love again. The only turn off would be my parents being home :l I don't like playing while they're home :l I feel like they're listening :l And I can't turn it up really loud so the amp and my iPod match volumes so I can drown out the guitar part on the song and only hear the vocal, drum, bass, and electronic :l And Romanian food is reeeeally. Really good. Pickled cabbage? Holyshi~

Lolofftopic.

Uhm.

It's not easy to get out of these moods, but it's really easy to 'calm' them.

Don't Tread on Me.

Bloop. I guess I haven't said anything. And in good spirit. There's nothing to say. Whenever I felt sad or something bothered me, I went back here, and read my last post. Then I didn't want to write anything. So it's all good :) These below are my darling, Remington 700 w/ synthetic stock (I'd like to find a wood stock), and a Remington Model 870 combo. There's a gunshow on the 18th at the VFW I believe. The good thing is I might pick up a Mosin Nagant 91/30. Soviet invented, Soviet built. It was their infantry's primary bolt action rifle. Cheap too since they were produced in the millions, $150 is probably the most expensive you'd find, and if anyone is charging you more, it's since they're dicks, or the rifle has matching numbers and is in amazing condition.

I guess the only thing that gets me now is loneliness, in my sense of the word. Sometimes, I'll miss the feeling. But then I remember that it's been my fault in every single attempt, thus, I can never make it work.

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

So. It's Wednesday (boutta be Thursday by the time I finish this) and I'm pretty bored. I'm also discovering how boring Xbox is, there are soo many other things I've been doing, and I haven't even thought about getting online in the past week (i got online earlier today but that's because I wanted to see if Tyla was on).

Reading.

I'm guessing this is gonna be a new 'thing' I have. I like it too. I never did like reading because my parents were always soo forceful to me reading when I was young, that I started hating it, but, being able to find a good book, it's wonderful, I'm not a hermit anymore.

By Senior year also, I'd like to have a car (parents said that if I get a summer job, they'll get me a cheap car) and if I do, I can drive because I get my license in May :) And you know what that means, right? I'm driving to Borders, and spending my weekend evenings there :) I went into Borders one night with my mom around 10ish and it was soo peaceful, I fell in-love with it :)

And I'd like to be able to grow a beard by then :l it's an obsession I guess.

So. Tuesday. My mom got home early and she asked if I wanted to go to the baby shower of one of her friends, so I was all liek 'k.' We got to the house (may i point out, it was a mansion) and everyone got settled down, the wives started laughing and talking, and I seemed to be the only kid there. So, I went to the living room, sat on the couch, and started watching Discovery Channel. After about 5 minutes, 3 guys walk over to me, introduce themselves, blahblah, and then all 4 of us end up watching Discovery Channel. After some of that, one of them asks me if I wanna go to a party at the house next door. I said sure; but I didn't even care about what my mom had to say, so we left. After about a 5 minute walk, we got to the house. Holyshit, another mansion. We went inside, everyone was chill, smelled like weed and booze, and they said to meet them outside in like, 2 hours because their moms were leaving too (one of them was the son of the lady we went to, so he lived there), so I was all like 'aight nigg' and all that black slang. Ironicly, I go over to the couch, which strangely enough was empty even thou there were people standing everywhere with those corny red Dixxy cups full of whatever floated their boats, I dunno what they had, probably alcohol for the most, and turned the TV to Discovery Channel. Fun. After say.. 5min (everything is in 5 minutes lol) this girl walks over to the couch, and sits down really close to me, like, legs touching. Then you know, she said 'hi,' I said 'hi' and it was all really happy, it was a really good mood. We started talking about life, what we like, bitches, and then it came to bands. Now this. Is where I fell in love. She asked what bands I like and I told her 'Ohyou know, Radiohead, Death Cab fo~' she cuts me off but responds with 'OMG! I LOOOOOVE RADIOHEAD ANNND DEATHCAB!' :D:D:D:D, and she didn't say that just to have some connection with me, she knew what she was talking about. We talked for about close to two hours about music. It was.. amazing :) Later into it thou, she started to lean on me while we talked facing the TV, because at the beginning we were facing each other but I guess she got tired or something. Really, I felt butterflies.. it was cute (: Butuh, the guys from the Baby Shower house (i really don't remember their names, one was Joey I think?) yelled at me that they're leaving, so I was all like 'ok, I'll be out.'

I get up, and then she gets up to, and she like, came really close to me to hug me, and there I felt something (it wasn't my dick), something special I guess you'd say. It was a really deep hug... When I let go of her, she didn't. Eventually, she let go, but her hands like, how to describe it without making it sound funny, but her hands were on my cheeks. That's when she kissed me. I was like. Euphoria... It wasn't even a quick kiss, it was loooong. And it felt amazing.. And I wish I could experience that again, because I probably won't in a while.. After that, she look at me and smiled (i hope i did too :l) and then she just stood there watching me as I left.

I walked back to the house with those 3, said hi to my mom, said bye to everyone, and we were on our way back home. Funny thing is, my mom didn't even seem to notice. And all I could think about that night, was how good I felt while I was with her.. and the kiss.

You know what kills me? I didn't get her name.

Kenny Ken.

Tonight will be fly. But now we have to murder you.

:)

I'm a Reasonable Man.

First, to start off another part of my highly depressing blog, guess what today is? Jonny Greenwood's Birthday!!!! :D :D :D :D From a totally non-gay standpoint, he's still cute for a 39 year old. Yes, I just said that. And that's because he is. <3.

Today has been... most acceptable. Passed the driving test. But. That's not very surprising really :l But then I got to see how Catie likes to eat pizza while she drives, and I did kinda fear for my life for a little seeing how she had my life in her hands. Hell, I hope the pizza was good ^___^

After that though, I got home and did absolutely nothing.

Until I drove my mom to Bloom. Then I felt happy. And I wonder why people call me weird. It feels good to drive though, I guess it's a relaxing feeling, music in the background, no one is saying a word. All I could hear is the music, and the road. Felt good bro. One has to enjoy the small(ish) things in life.

And now. I sit here in my room, watching movies. This in turn, gives me time to think. Which is not a good thing necessarily.

And now I understand how it felt. And now I can actually say that I fully understand, and accept that you did what you did. Because I feel it too.

And thus. We're moving on ladies. You can't dwell on it, because life moves on.

My Neighbor Cthulhu.

It really would be nice to have someone there for you.

Like Spinning Plates.

Today, we will talk about the majestic beauty of music.

When I say music, I don't mean "music," I mean music, in it's most complexly layered form. There are bands who will have vocal, drum, bass, and guitar. Then, there are bands like Radiohead.

Really, no matter what other bands I will grow to love, Radiohead will still always strike me, like, every time I listen to them, I grow on them, and their musicality.

It's truly a beautiful thing, really. When no one else will speak to you, music will, and it will speak to you in the ways you want to be spoken to, ways that some people would never.

Lets talk about layering. I'd love to point out that layering, and depth add immensely to a song. Now, this doesn't mean that Radiohead doesn't have simplistic songs, because they do, and even those songs make me want to make love, but still, there's something about them, especially those heavily layered songs, they're beautiful marvels. Lets say we have Thom's voice, Jonny's lead, Ed's rhythm, Colin's very obscure and lightly volumed bass, and Phil's drumming. That combination alone is amazing, but, when you add in electronically modified/played pieces into the song, it adds a depth that is unthinkable. You can have a synth playing in the background of the band alone, and it's like pure ear sex, but when you add even more than a synth; the band, synth, electronic beats, MIDI modulation, and ring modulation, fuuuuuuuuck. It's just indescribably beautiful.

I'm guessing another factor of the beauty would be the various effects which Jonny and Ed have to their guitars. Jonny's effects are based on his guitar's capabilities, these effects are run going from his guitar, pedalboard, and finally to his amp. These guitar driven effects come in the form of metallicly encased boxes which are turned on/off through a footswitch, and are fine tuned to specific calibrations through knobs (See the bottom two pictures, my pedalboard is like Jonny's but not as large as his, because I'm not rich enough to afford everything), he also has 3-4 keyboards, all with different purposes, on stage. One is a simple keyboard used for more basic songs. Another is a "French Connection," which is like an ondes martenot (One of the first "synth" instruments; besides the fact that it's a keyboard, it can play notes to no end, for lack of a better explanation, a sustained note/s.) and two others can process Thom's vocals and further process the guitar. Jonny first used an original Ondes, but over time, he acquired the French Connection which is a much more modern Ondes, and is much more practical for use in the band. He also has a Mac running Max/MSP, which again is another effect processor.

Ed on the other hand has his effects based on Thom and his guitar. He has very complex effect pedals which can manipulate Thom's voice to, in itself, add effects to Thom's voice. He has a Fender Strat modified with "Sustainiac" pickups which like the ondes, creates sustained notes, so, instead of strumming a chord with the pick, he can simply put his fingers in the chord position, and the guitar will play like a synth. Ed is very complex, but I haven't read as much on his as Jonny.

I'm sorry lqtm, I can get really carried away with this kind of stuff, it's majestic in its own way..

Below, are my effects so far; the topmost (Black pedal labeled; "Shredmaster,") is the newest acquestition. The bottom is all my other pedals besides the Shredmaster, since it was the last one I bought, and I don't have a picture of all of them together, so just imagine the two pictures combined (: . I also have a self custom build Telecaster, which, besides two small things that I need to add on, is exactly like Jonny's guitar, which is a late 80's Telecaster Plus.

So come on.

:)

Amnesiac.

Why. Do I feel sadness and regret? Why. I did nothing.

I regret everything I've done, and everything I haven't done.

Like, I had a good time there, I talked to friends, got to know Carlo a little more, had a good time with Jessy, but now I feel horrible. WHY. It'll never work out. My mind is soo full of fuck right now, like, I can't even focus on what I'm thinking. Then again when you think about it, there's nothing to be happy about. I think I'm having an emotional breakdown..

I think I may know why. If it's never gonna happen, why bother? Am I not good enough? Then again, thats a rhetorical question. It's like I'm wasting my emotions on something that's complete bullshit, well, maybe that's a little harsh but, something that'll never happen, so, why waste myself over it? I feel like I'm trying too hard, it's just not me, if it happens joy, if it doesn't, don't pursue it, the answer has already been given. I need to go back to my normal self. This should stay as a lesson to why I shouldn't fuck around anymore, it's too much of an emotional hassle..

On anther note, my blog is too depressing.

That is all.

A Lack of Color.

Now that I, I guess you could say "tasted" this, all I want now is someone to say "I love you."It's like a leech that clings to you and saps you. It's like a venom slowly poisoning you. I don't like these feelings.. I feel like I'm weak. Well, weaker than I normally am, like I have a weak spot open, like I'm going be dependent on it, but I can't be, I can't dwell on it, because if I do, I'll just be an emotional wreck, and I promised myself I can't be like that since the last time I was.

If it takes to put on a smile, I will.

It's too draining..

Transatlanticism.

The one time, I actually sum up the courage and emotions, "it's not the right time."

I give up. I'm finished.

The Employment Pages.

I shouldn't be up at this hour. But meh, since there's nothing better to do, I guess I'll sit around and type letters that make words that make sentences which finally make paragraphs.

I got very bored tonight and I started reading some stuff on Wikipedia and I came across a mild form of bipolar disorder which I do believe I may have. This isn't coming from "hurdurr teenage angst hurdurr." I seriously do believe I may have it. Cyclothemia I believe. It's basically like, periods of happiness and excitement and all that giddy stuff, so sulking sadness and low self-esteem. Or it could just be bad and good days. Oh well, the reading occupied some 30 useless mintues ^______________^

uhmmmmmm.

I'm alittle scared about homecoming now seeing how several girls asked me to uhm, "save them a dance." LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Well. I didn't say that. But I implied it. So it's the same. I can't dance thou, and grinding isn't dancing, and I can't dance to rap. Yesh. We'll see if it works out (: I'm gonna have to overcome some very strong emotions to do it.

Everyday I wake up and I go through the saaame cycle, it's like I'm forever stuck in a looping. There's nothing durrrr.... no excitement, no.. BAM SURPRISE kinda thing, it's alway the same. Untill weekend, then I just sit at home and do things. Like, things.

And whenever you're sad you always eventually find something that puts you back in a calm mood. But there are somethings that you come across that just you can't push aside, and that's when I become depressed :l derp.

Trouble Weighs a Ton.

I'll never mean anything to anyone..

> My face when I don't really mind.

That is all. (:

Disengage the Simulator.

So, we all change over time. The person you knew last year, won't be the same person the next year.

My view on relationships has changed, I'm not sure what I thought about it before this (i feel stupid for thinking anything else) but, it's more about finding someone that accepts you for who you are, no coverups, no lies, etc, yaknow?

meh. Techno.

Talk Show Host.

I really. Really am starting to hate it when I can notice someone looking at me. It's an extremely uncomfortable feeling.

And I'm just in a gloomy mood.

And salsa is kinda good.

Same with Arizona.

And I didn't know she was already dating someone.

This is why I need to stay away from things like these.

(I'm sorry.)

Knives Out.

I'll never be able to do anything right..

All you ever wanted.

<-- Before mildly depressing post, tiem for appreciation on this picture. Since you're blind, the small white caption reads; "When we die, we will be carried to heaven by Jeff Mangum and 1994 Rivers Cuomo.

Cheers to whoever did it.

You find out about some. You meet them. Gradually over time, you get to know the person, may it be things they like, do, etc, whatever. Eventually, wow, I'd like to be with this person. Then you come to your senses and realize it will never happen.

Obsession? Yes.

Lightness.

Lets say you see someone, and you say "Oh whatta fag" or "Look at this looser...etc" Now. If you're a heartless bastard, you won't feel any remorse to what you've said.

Whenever I say that thou, I feel bad for saying that afterwards, because, I don't know the person. He/she could be some awesome person that you're never met, now.. it's truly sad if they do live a depressed life, and that's just something that I've found I'm very sensitive to, I'll feel extreme regret.

But. If that person may live a happy, self-fulfilling life, that's an amazing thing, granted they don't take everything for granted, believe in spirits so they have an excuse to say "I'm off the cuff" or life any kind of sugar-coated mental life-style. And, that sounds contradicting or stupid, yes. "Oh they're happy, but don't be TOO happy." And that's not what I mean, by that, I mean that they live a realistic life-style.

I dunno what I'm even talking about lqtm, derpderpderp....

I think I'm bi-polar... and not like the, "Yay life! ~to~ FUCKING KILLING BABIES" bi-polar, like the, "Yay life! ~to~ I'm sad now." FREE MEDICATION ANYONE HUHU?

I'd also like to sell my Xbox to buy another $200 pedal lol, it's an addiction.

aaaaaaaaannd I dunno...

The morning bell.

What's there to say? Good food and good music. :3

Synapse to synapse.

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It's the sad truth...

Well. On another note. My dad is getting deployed in January 2012 to Iraq or Iran or whatever the fuck those turd humping Muslims live. For once I feel like, true fear. I'm really scared. He's a Reservist. 

What tops it off is that his unit is being issued armored patrol boats. Wonderful. Command is chocking on a dick. They know there will be a high risk. Then my dad starts talking about how yes, small arms (AK, light machine gun, etc) will not do anything, but a rocket propelled grenade (RPG)? That's the end. And snipers which is; ~boom~ ~body drops~ No one has any idea where the fuck it came from................ FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. YOUU. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

So. uhm. yesh. School.

Another lonely year ahead! :D As long as I got my buddies I should be fine ^___^

And first period with a faggot named Robert Forster. Too bad I already know 3 senior friends in that class. And Robert is a socially awkward fuck, so. I win :)

You know, it's nice going to be with something to hug, even if that is a stuffed animal.

Morning M'lord, good morning Mr. Magpie.

So, I've been having some really weird/bad/even considerably good dreams lately.

I had one a while back in which I walked into a classroom the first day of school and Jonny Greenwood and his brother Colin were my teachers. Now I had another in which Jonny was playing a small gig in a cafe, and I was backstage watching him, which was awesome.

But then I have some other ones which are only bringing back memories...

Ok 3, 2, 1, lets jam.

So I had a very large disappoint moment tonight. Olivia Eveleyne Del Cockfull deleted my comment on her status.

"Jammin' to "Teenage Dream" full blast at 3:17am....DUH!!"

To which I commented "Cuz we're jammin, and I hope you lika jammin toooooo"

Now. Did I go wrong somewhere? I doubt it.

Whore. I hope she gets AIDS and suffers a long drowned out death. Atleast some STD. Or numerous.

ON ANOTHER NOTE. pretty kewl day with Shannon. Chilled on dat couch with dem pillows and dat laptop. justdubs.net?! Thankyouuuu!!!!<3 div="">

I'm sitting here at 3:46 watching Cowbow Bebop. Sickshit bro.

Kinda excited for school.

And Freshman Orientation ;)

After I finished painting the pool deck, I can start building my pedalboard. :D Hardened plastic from my dad's old pontoon to hold $620 worth of guitar effects. Then a rug which can be used as a side for velcro and the 2nd side of it I'm gonna put on the back of the pedals to hold them in-place if you get what I'm trying to say. Eitherway, it's gonna be sweet :)

I'm also starting to feel like one of those weird kids that watches anime non-stop... weeabooness ftw.

Goodnight ^__^

Peculiar Noise Called Train Director.

You know, Lennon is probably my 2nd favorite celebrity after Jonny...

Catie... what's wrong? Do I need to send you another letter thingie?

Title and Registration.

<---- :'D

Moooving on...

On a minor note, I'm coming across past feelings that I shouldn't have anymore...

Meh.

Ohohoohohoooohoohh. After doing the math, I got the best birthday present evar. $750.

And I blew it all oh soo quickly.

I bought 4 very expensive but nice effect pedals. Can't wait to have them all infront of me :'D

Kenzie started texting me. Usually people don't text me unless they want something, meh, I don't mind, I'm a boring texter either way, if it's with a purpose in mind, I guess I'm better at holding the conversation? It's pretty nice talking to people that you'd think you'd be very close to, Tyla being my best friend and everything but Kenzie and I caught up alittle. While I was talking to her thou, she just causally asked how I was with girls and relationships and stuff, which I didn't really think twice about, I didn't care much for it, so I answered. Then I read over my answer and it's like I didn't even know what I was typing.

I realized like, after Logan, I'm just not the same. I'm too held back I guess. I can't be passionate(?) Cute? Meh, I think I did the right thing with her, but whenever I hear her name in a conversation or anything, just.. bad memories always come back.. And I thought I got past all that but I guess not.. Oh well. She then proceeded to tell me that I should get laid, which is out of the question for me lqtm.

The Face that Launched 1000 Ships.

So, here's my "celebrity" love. I'm not gay. But I think this guy is probably one of the hottest guys I know of. He looks funny, but that's like, what turns me on to him (not in the perverted way) I guess. Meh. Jonny Greenwood. I have 27 pictures of him on my iPod <3.

So, stuff is looking up at the current moment.

I got my haircut. And it's not like a trim. It's like....

A HAIRCUT.

Like, actually short, what is it... 2inch hair? I can't explain exactly.

It actually feels kinda refreshing.

But hell, I got paid $200 to get it cut by my mom, who you may not know but she works at a hair salon. Free conditioner? :D

It's really short now but I agreed with her to let it grow out around lieek...

Orrr...

^This was the original plan but I guess my mom "Didn't mean to" cut my hair this short, but I'd like to get it to this and somehow make the bangs stay up like that? I dunno about hair, she said I'd have to use some produce but meh...

God, I could post pictures of him all day :)

Fog

Well off I go to Florida. Not to be on the beach of course but to catch up.

I think I'm in one of the most relaxed, good feeling mood I've ever been in a very long time, and it's nice ^___^

Oh, I hope I wrote the address on it right Catie, hope you get them, best I could do as a friend, you'll see, hopefully I didn't ramble on too much in the longer one ^______________^

Planet Telex.

Radiohead :)

So Long to the Holidays.

So, today was an alright day. Went fishing with my dad and mom. The dad part is alright but the mom part annoyed me.

Fishing is supposed to be a nice, quiet little thing.

Not for this bitch.

Complaining and whining everywhere.

"BE CAREFUL NOT TO POKE YOURSELF WITH THE HOOK.... WHY IS THE BOAT ROCKING SOO MUCH? OMG DID YOU SEE THAT FISH JUMP? ITS ALITTLE TOO SUNNY HERE CAN WE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?"

Shutthefuckup.

Shutup, and fish.

So. Yes :)

Uhm. I've been kinda depressed lately. And, it's not like the "ohteenageremo" depressed, just, overall for no reason depressed really. I like sulking too weirdly, just sitting there thinking. It's funner than it looks. I also didn't talk to anyone except to Tyler today for half an hour or so at the gym, barely said a word during fishing except for when I helped my dad get the boat on and off the trailer. And, I don't really talk to anyone besides Tyler either (of course my parents with occasionally) I guess it takes a toll too? Probably why I'm quiet most of the time. I like sitting in my room and doing various thing in it, and going out... not soo much with a few exceptions (it's with a friend) .

I hate sitting in a car with my parents because they talk, I hate sitting in the living room because they talk, I dislike talking in general? Derp.

On another note, I can either save up for a Digitech Whammy, 2 pedal connectors, a 9v adaptor and a Boss DD-3 Digital Delay ($323) or I could buy a bass starter kit ($300) and learn how to play the bass so I can fulfill my dream of being the quiet type, lqtm.

Meh. Since no one really cares and since I don't like telling people about what I've accomplished in life, I learned a new song :) Pretty one too, I just need that Digitech pedal to get it sounding perfectly like it is on the record. My Iron Lung - Radiohead. Someday I'd like to be able to play all their songs... Truly my favorite band off all time, no matter what new band I discover, Radiohead will always have a place in my heart (as gay as that sounds).

So, on Saturday, I was pretty much home alone all day, did absolutely nothing, didn't talk to anyone that much either. I enjoyed it actually. It was the day I basically played guitar for 6ish hours not having anything better to do. It was also the day that I went in my living room, sat down in the middle of it, and started breaking down. Which wasn't too pleasant. But then I felt better! Sooo, I guess it's a good thing? I don't mind it then.

Now, goodnight :)

Ugly Casanova.

(apparently this one got deleted somehow)

So, hello.

Uhm, I didn't sleep at all last night trying to find some kind of free software that can convert a torrented movie files to be able to be uploaded to my iTouch. And I did, and I'm happy.

Picture related, it's the 6 episode show that I saw only one episode when I was 10, and now I guess I just re-found it, and I really like it, and I'm glad that I can get it on my iTouch, but I feel like a nerd anime weird kid, whatever :)

And I'm finding more and more, which worries me, because I don't wanna end up as the weird anime kid at school but meh, I guess I'll consider it a guilty pleasure.

Smell like Ribbons.

Herrow.

So, it's 4:01 and I cannot sleep.

Probably because my sleep schedule is fucked up.

So. I guess I'll come here to rant about something, and then end up raging about it.

uhr.

Lets get on the topic of relationships (lqtm)

I find it sad to see the way some guys treat girls. Like, they won't care about the girl. They feel as if they can say anything.

Why. Why would you treat her like that, when you're blessed (for lack of a better term) with something as beautiful as she?

Why would you even think about doing something with another girl, when you have a girl that soo many guys would give up soo many things to have?

Why are relationships going from a true connection between two people, to fuck buddies?

Is a relationship about sex? Nowadays I think it is. It's all some guys talk about. And it's pathetic. I mean, I'm a guy, and sure, I'd love to get laid, but I wouldn't even dare to enter a relationship with that goal in mind, if it happens, fuckyeah, but not on that mindset.

And all of the truly beautiful girls out there are being whores, wasting their time with tools for a "momentary advantage" (again, lack of a better term) in life.

It can even go down to a level where dating will be just for the drama and popularity, and that's when it really gets sad.

But, whatcha gonna do?

In time, they will realize as my grandma would say. Realize all the stupid mistakes.

Me? I'm waiting.

Frosted Ambassador.

You're a hypocritical bastard. When you had your "love," you were untouchable.

Nothing meant shit to you.

If I was feeling sad about something, "Fuck dude, man up and do something, stop being a pussy.."

Fuck. You.

Look at you now. Bitching on Facebook that "OH I WANNA DELETE MY FACEBOOK BECAUSE NO ONE LOVES ME ANYMORE."

Do it faggot. No one should, especially if you're gonna be a stuck up prick to everyone whenever you're in your Golden Age.

I love seeing all your pathetic, attention craving statuses about how fucking sad your life it, it makes me chuckle.

The Gloaming.

So, hey.

Today was pretty fucking awesome if I do say so myself.

Got to hang out with my besties (Tyler, Catie) and Nikolai but I kinda really have to get to know him better.

In the few occations where we talked it was just a casual funny kinda conversation, but never really a friendish kinda conversation. So, there's one mission plan for the summer.

Discovered Bayside, kinda, okish music thou.

Uhm.

I little while back in 10th grade, I met this freshman on Xbox Live (geek) and I gave her my Facebook. She proceeded to say that I look like an asshole.

Now. I try to be the nicest person to everyone I meet, even thou I'm too quite, I try to be the most proper gentleman to anyone. But if you've never met me, or talked to me, and you say I look like an asshole, burn in hell.

So after 2 months, she starts liking my statuses and etc and eventually I can't stay angry at anyone... I can't hold grudges either. So meh. We started talking. I fix her skateboard today. Minor technical problems easily fixed with some oil, new bearing, and new bushings. So. Yay friendship?

Urrr.

Oh and I rediscovered some plaid shirts today. And a nice leather belt. Cool shit. I felt pretty good about myself today.

uhm.

dur.

I came to the realization I have an extremely low self-esteem this evening. I came to the conclusion that I should post a picture of me on 4chan (shithole of the internet. literally), little backstory, and see what they say.

For once I can actually say this site is not full of crap, pedophiles, fat chicks, and nerds.

There were some compliments, positive criticism, Lqtm, some chick said she's fuck me hard? God knows she might be a 200lb virgin but it helps? God that's weird. But, overall it was actually like a... moral boost? Good shit bro.

So that's it for today.

Not completely depressing blog for the first time?

Meh.

Goodnights.

Bodysnatchers.

I believe I made a discovery.

One of the very few things that actually puts me in a good mood.

Such a simple little thing but soo many people now a days are so self-centered, they forget about this.

-"How about you, how's your day?"

It brings me a massive feeling of happiness and joy that someone could actually even care to ask, not even saying that I mind that they wouldn't care what I said, but personally, it's the pure joy that someone might actually care about me.

Holland, 1945.

Sometimes I wish I could be amazing.

To be able to have an amazing talent.

Be known for something "awesome."

To have connections.

(to be able to get out of the fucking house more.)

But, in life, only some actually reach such a status such as stardom. Others, these blue collars, live life only to get by.

To be happy whenever possible.

Live it to the fullest I guess.

Try to experience as many great things as you can, go places, meet people, simplicity.

And once you understand that you will most likely will go down that path, you start to wonder what's going through the heads of people who crave to be the center of attention.

View them as an alien.

I for one, have no problem just being "that guy."

Hopefully after highschool I'll be able to get to a college with some friends, if not, I'm stuck trying to make new friends (lmfao, not me.) or just being quiet like in English for 4 years.

Hopefully I'll be able to find someone. Friend and maybe a deeper level.

Keep in touch with my really good friends. Hopefully by then I'll have more freedom and be able to go places and hangout, chill, whatever.

Life is good either way. :3

Submarine Blues.

Last night, I had another one of my "thinking" nights.

(i dunno, am i a girl about this kinda stuff?)

But, I was sitting in bed with the tv off and pitch dark, meticulously thinking about my life.

All that I've achieved, want to, and current state.

I've look at my past, and how life could have been in Romania,

(aka shit.)

And life here.

And, I'm proud of myself, well, mostly the initiative that my parents took to bring me and our hopes here. And it has paid off.

But, then I start thinking about the future, and I see nothing.

Not trying to sound like another depressed teenager but I truly believe that I will not have someone there for me. Seriously.

I don't think that I can get out of this state of mind I've been in since high-school.

(girls scare the shit out of me. And they always will I think. )

And I will never be able to take the initiative and do anything about it, because I believe that I'm doing everything fine here, just waiting for someone to come by, even thou it probably might never happen.

(truly.)

I look at some of my friends and how they talk about their relationships and girls, etc, and, I don't understand why it's such a big deal to have a girlfriend? Almost everyone wants one, like some other materialistic shit, and when shit hits the fan, all they do is cry out for attention.

(hopefully college could change me.)

I'm doing perfectly fine without one, even thou I do start thinking about these things.

Time will tell.

As the Years Pass by, the Hours Bend.

Some people really need to grow up.

They need to realize life isn't a fucking game, you don't go around saying anything you want, it's shit like that that will land you with court trials.

No one will give a shit about your life. What you wear. Who you know. What you did.

All that will matter is yourself, family, your loved one, and a handfull of friends.

Crying Lightning.

All of these days just go by and nothing happens,

No birdcall, no alarms, no surprises.

And all of these sights and images just stick to you,

Remind you of who you really are,

And who you've wished to be.

Then memories and people come back into your mind of what did happen,

What was once ago,

What is now just ashes of something great that was something that could of been,

Something that had potential, something that had hope and happiness.

Something that you would live for, that gave you a reason to look up to a "brighter" future.

Now you sit there in hope of something to happen.

A birdcall to softly sing, an alarm to remind you of where you are, a surprise to give you hope.

And then I also think about somethings that I shouldn't.

(^poem tiem? I think so.)

Sometimes I sit in bed in pitch dark and I start thinking. My mind wanders, it wanders into alcoves that shouldn't be explored. Memories, thoughts, images, all these can bring back saddening memories.

I sit there, and I think. Then I'll start sobbing.

And, it's not the "chick flick sad ending" sobbing, it's full on crying almost.

(i'm personally glad it never woke up my parents.)